On and Off

[exjxhtml]

I've known that I wanted to cut contact with my mother since I was around thirteen, probably sooner. However, I wasn't successful for a long time, I would give in and talk to her again and again and it ended the same every single time within under two months, but I am an older brother. I helped raise my two siblings, specifically my brother. He is very important to me, I credit his birth to giving me the strength to stay alive for several more years than I planned to. I was thirteen when he was born. My mom knew this, hated this. Her usual opening line to start contact again is that he misses me.
One of my mother and I's biggest issues is that I am a queer transgender person. (he/him pronouns, please.) I grew up hearing a lot of homophobic rhetoric, I wish I could tell you I learned to tune it out, but really I don't think it ever got any easier. She says hates that I am who I am because she's Christian, but I think it's more than that, I think it's that I'm not who she wanted me to be, who she tried to force me to be. And, I think she's gotten angrier and more violent with her hatred because she realized that she wasn't in control once I got my own apartment and moved out at eighteen.

All of this information is important because the last time that I talked to her was in July of 2022.  The longest stretch yet. It won't end any time soon, either.
The tipping point?
My fiance, Berry, wasn't exposed to as much homophobia as I was. They have a lesbian mom and several brothers of varying identities within the queer community, so.. yeah.
My mother and I were in an 'On' phase of talking and she had been doing decently well with my name and pronouns, she had invited us to her house several times. (now granted, she had spent the time preaching about how being gay is sinful and we're going to rot in hell, but I got to see my brother.)

I extended an invitation to our wedding, on the condition that she made no mention of her religious or personal beliefs. She proceeded to send back several messages using slurs against me. I was used to that. She added something with "the both of you." Her messages of the same slurs, hatred, and intolerance that I had heard so many times before now were referring to Berry, too.
I told her I was done. I blocked her. I blocked my sister, too. I told all extended family they would end up blocked too if they mentioned her or passed any information to her,

I refuse to let someone I love to experience the hatred I did.

What was your tipping point?

[frogjumpsout]

Before I share my tipping point, exjxhtml, let me say that I'm so sorry about your mother's refusal to accept who you are and I agree completely that it's not really religiously based, but rather due to her personality disorder.

Also, welcome to these boards! There are many people here whose tipping points, like yours, occurred when the abuse they'd suffered began to extend to a loved one. And finally, best wishes on your wedding and congratulations on having found your person! That's no easy thing, especially for people who've come from family systems like ours.

My own tipping point was planned, not spontaneous. I'd been discarded by my FOO before (once on my birthday) and had decided that if another discard came, I would be done. So it came: I didn't want to violate COVID protocols to attend a family event, and I got discarded.

A few weeks later, my NM was going through something and decided that she now needed me.  I told her I thought it was best that we kept to her earlier decision and I told my friends that I was done being her emotional support animal/ chew toy. (Later I realized that many others on these boards use those metaphors to describe their relationships with N-family members )

[chowder]

How sad that our families of origin, supposedly the first support system we ever knew, not only fail us, but downright work against us and try to hurt us.

Sounds like the same behaviors, change the names, with what I experienced.  My mother could not control me, either.  Couldn't control who I dated or what I did, especially as an adult.  She even engaged the services of a mutual friend to be a flying monkey, to find out and report back to her on things that I would not share with her directly.  (Guess where that friendship ended up.)

When M kept striking out in ways that did not work, she then resorted to knocking my husband-to-be.  That was the tipping point.   Never spoke to her again or my enabler father.

Never regretted it, never looked back.  It was something I felt in my soul.   Ironically, back in my younger days, she was the one who taught me that your spouse comes first, before all else.  And then she went ahead and pulled her stunts.  I do believe it was all about control.

I applaud you for protecting your loved one, yourself, and your marriage going forward.    And good for you, for setting strong boundaries with everyone else as well.  You are starting your new life together, and not allowing this type of behavior towards your new relationship is a positive.  Keep concentrating on your support system. 

And many congratulations to you both!