Venting

[mrb_0803]

I'm going to attempt to vent and not break the rules.... so here goes.

Been a hot minutes since I've been on here but I'm convinced that PDBM has now successfully brainwashed my DSD.  We had a fun Labor Day party a few weeks ago, had all the kids there, has some friends over. Was a great time. Fast forward a few days and my DH says somewhat out of the blue to me that I need to stop saying things about PDBM when the kids are around and that apparently I said something during the party that upset DSD -14. I racked my brain trying to recall what I said. Even called my friend to ask her if she heard me say something. Asked my DH if DSD told him what I said and he said she didn't tell him. So fast forward to tonight, I called a family meeting to discuss a separate issue but I ended up confronting DSD and asked her what it was that I said about PDBM. At first DSD said to not worry about it she was over it so let it go. And I pressed her because I need to know what I'm saying that upsets her. So finally after DH told her to speak up she says that I said that I don't like how PDBM always has to talk to DH when picking up the kids. Uhhhhhh????? What? I could honestly not care less that PDBM talks to DH. Not a jealous bone in my body because I know that DH has zero interest in talking to PDBM and he's basically just being polite in listening to her about whatever she thinks he needs to know about the kids. But somehow DSD 14 thinks that I have issues with PDBM talking to DH? Nope! Where does she even get this? It's not from me I can tell you that.

I do have a problem with PDBM being late everywhere she goes. Well not everywhere but if it involves my stepkids being late to their activities then yeah that bothers me. I couldn't care less if PDBM is late picking the kids up from our house because that means more time the kids get to spend with DH. But when DSD misses an entire softball game because PDBM oversleeps, yes I have issue with that. When DSS misses the first half of grandparents night at school because PDBM and her chronically late mother are late, yes I have issue with that too. It affects the kids when she is late getting them to their activities whether they want to admit that or not. I feel bad for the kids.

Ugh ok so vent over.  I feel somewhat better but this relationship I have with DSD is being really strained by what I feel is PDBM's little nudges to believing things about me that are simply not true. And I just wish the kids could see what she is doing to them with her chronic time mismanagement. Idk 😐

[athene1399]

I am sorry this happened. My guess is that PDBM made it sound like you said this and that's what got DSD upset. It is possible that DSD didn't hear you say anything that would make her think this. It sounds to me like there wasn't anything you said that was taken out of context, but this is just something PDBM said to DSD.

My SD would believe all sort of things BPDbm says to her: "Dad thinks I'm crazy.", "Dad is mean and abusive", "dad has no right to see you", "dad doesn't pay me what he is supposed to..." It is difficult when you know what they're coming back with is not true, but if you get defensive it almost makes the kids believe it more so you can't really directly confront it IMO. With the "dad being mean" one, we asked SD if she's ever seen SO raise his voice to me or her. She would always answer no. Sometimes asking questions helps them to think about what evidence is lacking to support the claims. But you have to do it in a way that doesn't look like you are accusing BM of lying. Sometimes it's good to be empathetic with how they are feeling. "That must have hurt your feelings to think I said that. if you misinterpreted anything I said, I apologize as that was not my intention. In fact I think BM and your dad have to communicate about certain things...." Sometimes it takes practice knowing what to say as I'm sure everyone receives it differently. Maybe let her know she can talk to you about these things are you don't want there to be misunderstanding between you two.

them bringing the kids late to things is equally frustrating. It really stresses the kids out too IMO.

You unfortunately can't control what BM says or does. It is so frustrating and heartbreaking to hear when the kids parrot back things they hear there. It is much easier for the PD parent to program them than it is to correct it IME.

[Stepping lightly]

Hi mrb,

Your frustration at that situation is completely understandable.  I have had a few instances of emotions projected onto me, that were completely not accurate, and it really threw me for a loop.  DSD has done it to me, and she did it to DH just last weekend.  He was driving her friends around town, and they were talking about something that DH doesn't agree with (and DSD knows this), but he didn't care.  I know him well enough to know he didn't react to a bunch of teenagers.  After the friends were gone, DSD said, "why were you so angry, you were gripping the steering wheel and your knuckles were white?" He was like, "what are you talking about?".  Of course she insists she knows what she saw. It's scary, and makes us really worry that she is picking up her mom's PD traits. 

Or there was the time we saw her after a school event on BM's time.  We talked to the kids for a few minutes, and we had a really good laugh about something.  BM was probably 20 feet away, glaring at us.  The next time DSD comes back, she says "why were you mad at me after the school event?"- I was floored...it was the opposite of what I had felt that night...but somehow that was put into DSDs head...and I have my suspicions of who did it, and now that was her memory.

The feeling is pretty infuriating though.  The insistence by another person that they know what you are feeling better than you do, and using that "knowledge" to put you in a bad light.  I think the other thing that is so bothersome is that I think these "memories" stick with them, not the reality of the situation.  All we can do is continue to be authentic.