I think 15 year old daughter may be a sociopath

[jennyfromtheblock]

Hi everyone. This is my first post here after discovering this site yesterday. I believe my 15 year old daughter might be PD. I linked to this site through a Healthline article about sociopathic behaviors in teens and young adults.
I thought initially that my  daughter was just struggling with adjusting to life in a new family when we moved in with my partner and his 2 kids. But no matter what parenting strategies we tried, including extremely tough love parenting for the past 6 months, nothing was working to change her behavior. It was causing massive problems between my relationships with my 2 stepkids, and that in turn caused problems between me and my partner. I didn't want to see that my daughter was the cause, choosing instead to blame the other kids and criticize their behavior.
My partner's ex wife was a diagnosed sociopath, and he had been seeing those traits in my daughter for months. Finally yesterday after a particularly bad 2 days between us, he showed me these articles about PD and said he suspected that might be the issue. I think I was finally ready to admit that he was right. Almost all of the sociopath behaviors are what my daughter exhibits, and I had fallen into many of the victim behaviors as well.
So here I am, feeling turned upside down and not knowing how to proceed, and also feeling guilty that maybe I caused some of this by being a single mom and maybe not raising her right. I love her so much and always did the very best I could for her, but I feel like I've failed.

[Penny Lane]

Hi and welcome.

This is a very tough time for you and I'm very sorry you're dealing with it.

I hope you have a counselor to help you process and let go of that guilt you're feeling. Having a loved one with a PD is so difficult, and when it's your own child those difficulties are exponentially hard.

I'm glad you found us.

[notrightinthehead]

Isn't your daughter a bit young to be diagnosed a sociopath? What behaviour do you observe to make you think that? Was she difficult as a child before you met your present partner? Do you have a plan going forward - getting yourself and her help?

[JollyJazz]

Hi Jennifer,

I'm sorry to hear about what you are going through.
Martha Stout (world expert on sociopaths) has just written a new book on this that has a chapter specifically for parents of sociopathic children: https://www.penguinrandomhouse.com/books/198693/outsmarting-the-sociopath-next-door-by-martha-stout-phd/

[TodayZZ]

My kid was a serious concern at this age as well. Many kids who are completely out of control and dangerous at this age can do complete turnarounds in life as they get older. That's why p disorders aren't diagnosed until mid to late 20s.
Mine did not change, they only got better, more manipulative, more covert. More dangerous in my opinion.
Don't give up hope. I've seen incredible changes occur and many kids change as adults.

[Boat Babe]

Isn't your daughter a bit young to be diagnosed a sociopath? What behaviour do you observe to make you think that? Was she difficult as a child before you met your present partner? Do you have a plan going forward - getting yourself and her help?

I agree.

[Leonor]

Hi Jennifer,

Thank you for sharing your story. I'm sorry for the pain experienced in your relationship with your daughter.

It sounds to me like there is a core issue in your blended family that is difficult to perceive in all the stress and anxiety in your house right now.

It sounds to me like you and your husband's children are having difficulty adjusting to you and your partner's relationship, and your daughter is making the most "noise" about it.

When we find a partner, especially after a difficult previous failed relationship, it's such a joy and relief. Finally, we have a chance to create a life we've always dreamed of. We've regained hope. We found someone who loves us when we thought we were unlovable. We have someone to walk with when we had imagined ourselves either persecuted or alone the rest of our lives.

But here's the thing: your children didn't find, choose, or hope for anything. They've had the rug pulled out from under them when their family fell apart. Even if it was crappy. It was still their family. And when their parents partner with other people, it's no longer the rug - it's the floorboards that are ripped out too.

They don't recognize this new partner as a person, let alone a parent. These other kids aren't their friends, let alone siblings. And their biological parent (who, perhaps, may have leaned on them for company during their divorce, which is just as unhealthy) now is all wrapped up in moving and plans and future. They feel abandoned.

I'm sure your partner is fabulous and his kids wonderful. I bet the two of you did what you could do to bring your blended family together. I know from your post that you've agonized over the situation and only want the best for all of you.

Okay, here's the hard part, dear mommy! Your daughter is not the core cause of the problems in your home. Labeling her a sociopath is not helpful. She is not diagnosable at 15. And tough love for a kid having a tough time doesn't look like love. It just looks like more toughness.

I'm talking from experience as one of the "good" siblings in a blended family with a misbehaving step-sibling, and I just want to save all of you a world of heartbreak. The road you're heading down now will cost you your daughter: she will drop out or run away or get addicted or get pregnant or turn to the streets or develop dangerous disorders. She is in danger.

And her stepsisters are not "doing fine." They are watching and learning, not from their sister, but from the two of you: if they have trouble, they'll get that toughness, they'll be labeled sociopathic, they'll be blamed for the family problems. They're not good, they're not respectful, they're terrified. And I 200% guarantee you that if they're not acting out the same way as your precious 15 y/o, they will soon. Or they are and are better at hiding it, or you two are spending so much time blaming your daughter that you don't notice.

You can turn this around, but the people to turn around is you. You and your partner may think you're doing fine, but your children are in crisis. Maybe it's time to stop the punishment and blame and labelling their sisters and mothers as sociopaths and diagnosing and getting your feelings hurt. It's time to put on your big girl pants and be that mamma bear they so, so desperately need.

You need a therapist for you. For you, to work through who you are and what you do and how to heal what ails you. To be able to tap into that inner reserve and be able to take on the chin whatever is coming your way and look a loooong time in that mirror and sit with it. To dissect what really went on with her father and how that ended and how you led and held her through it and then how you led and held her through this new change and how you are leading and holding her now.

I wish you much support and strength.

[hhaw]

J:

I'm sorry you're going through this. 

I want to say I suspected my niece was antisocial from a very young age, but that turned out to be fleas and bad habits she picked up from her likely PD mother.

You can't give up on you dd.... she needs you now more than ever.  You DO have to learn to take care of yourself first and limit the chaos, however.

When my dd was going through a Wilderness Camp Program, all parents were requried to read the book THE PARALLEL PROCESS.  it might not be appropriate for your dd. specifically, but it's full of tools and skills you'll benefti from, IME.  It gives you a template for setting boundaries, listening and speaking so you have the best change of being heard, IME.

I do hope you can suspend judgments and embrace curiosity around what's really going on and the conditions and causes surrounding those facts.

I'll end with this..... my niece was screamed at every day of her life and often hit, which is punishment and shaming.

A parent's goal could be to teach a child to do better, opposed to shaming and punishing the child, IME.

You did your very best under the circumstances.

You're modeling self care and self compassion for all the children in your family.