When no matter what you do you are still a horrible person

[Ariel]

So after devoting 3 weeks and 2100 miles to take care of my parents, when my mom went in the hospital and then basically abused again and then being told I was trying to basically take their money and s horrible person. I moved on and insane me decided to visit.( Everyone I knew thought I was nuts) . Everything is ok. I go to walk their dog( which used to be my neices and she tried to get it back) I come back to an hysterical mom who says I thought you planned to meet your neice and give her the gift. This is between them. But I said the thing is you thought I would do that seemed very underhanded at the minimum. She said o don't trust you.i just drove 7 hours to see her. And was the one there when she was sick. My sister is sick and evil and manipulative and I know she trashes me and my mom listens. The awful things she said to me. That I am jealous of her,want her money,my kids don't love me, my husband doesn't love me like her husband does,I am uncaring.i just finally told her that she was mean and not z good mother. I didn't want her money just her love. When am I going to learn.i am so stupid to do this to myself. Why do I think I can harden my heart but it doesn't work. She said I am trying to get her upset so she dies but I will never get her house. I don't want her money. This is why my family and friends were concerned.

[Ariel]

Reading other posts seems it's time for therapy

[Andeza]

You are not a horrible person. Although your FOO seems to want you to believe that you are, and they want everyone else to believe it as well. I'm so sorry you are going through this when all you're trying to do is be a good, kind, and responsible person.

If you choose to see a therapist I wish you the best, and I hope you can find peace over this. It's not your fault.

[looloo]

Hi Ariel, just sending you a hug.  You are NOT a horrible person, and you demonstrate that every day, I'm sure.  Unfortunately, your mother has her story running in her head.  She wrote it herself, and she will cling to it forever.  Nothing you do will change that.  I'm sorry.

I have my therapist appointment today, and i'm Planning on bringing up this very phenomenon (it helps me to think of this as a phenomenon, as something commonplace that children of PDs deal with) — how SO MANY of us struggle to be seen as "Good People" by others.  Not in a grandiose "look at me, I'm Mother Theresa" way, but we seem to be drowning in accusations (usually by our parents) of being "horrible", and we spend our lives self sacrificing in an attempt to Make Them See! 

I suspect that emotionally healthier people just don't make themselves miserable in this way.  And I KNOW that PDs believe they're just awesome, lol...

Anyway, I am sorry — it's heartbreaking to be viewed in this way, and then we make it even worse for blaming ourselves when we keep trying and their views never change. 

If I come back from my appointment with any insight, I'll post it 

[LoverofPeace]

Great insight, Loo Loo.

A lightbulb went off when you said about spending our lives trying to convince others we're not bad people, due to years of the narcs' accusations. We don't even realize it at first.

I stopped that people pleasing craziness once I became conscious of it. Now I am working on not being resentful of the narcs that have been or are being worked out of my life.

We will be fine because we are wonderful children of God and He knows and sees all. That's what counts.

[Ariel]

So I don't know why ,she my pdmom , can make me lose control. At first while she was ranting on me I said that she was mean. When she kept going I did she was not a good mom. That I regret saying. Just regret saying it out loud.

[Ariel]

Looloo you were right. She does have that story running in her head and it is Reinforced by my sister. Who projects her wanting all my parents inheritance on me. How when I know this is true I still let it hurt.

[Brooke]

So I don't know why ,she my pdmom , can make me lose control. At first while she was ranting on me I said that she was mean. When she kept going I did she was not a good mom. That I regret saying. Just regret saying it out loud.

Ugh, I feel you. They push and push and push, and then you snap, and then you've reinforced their attitude that you're so horrible.

I'm sorry. You don't come across as horrible at all. And you may not have said it the kindest way you could have - but you're right, she's not a good mom.

[Ariel]

Well I had to leave her house yesterday and drive home.i couldn't stay one more minute. I just left basically snuck out. No goodbyes no more just hightailed it out of there because I couldn't handle the confrontation. My suitcase was gone so I figured she would figure out that I left. Well she called me 6 times , which I let go to voicemail ( won't listen to them) Then she called my husband at work and told him how ungrateful I was and cursed me out. Guess I am really in trouble now.so overwhelmed

[Andeza]

You're in trouble? As WomanInterupted says, what's your M going to do? Ground you? Take away your allowance? She can't do anything to you. You are an adult, living your own life, and thank heavens you get to escape back to your own home.

I fail to see how you are the ungrateful one here. You drove across the whole country to take care of them and they treated you like dirt.

[Ariel]

Andeza thank you ,thanks for bringing so Frank. I reread my post and realized that  I responded like a child. Realizing I felt that powerless. But you are right she can't do anything to me that I don't let her. Intellectually I know I'm right but if it the Fog that lays the guilt and doubt. But thank you

[Andeza]

Sometimes I'm maybe a bit too frank, sorry if it was a little uh... strong there.

They programmed us to react this way, to think "oh I'm gonna catch it now" or "I'm in biiiig trouble" because that keeps us towing the line and doing what they want. You're not powerless, she just really, really, really wants you to think that you are. Any time you feel the guilt, the self-doubt, the FOG creeping in, just remind yourself it's not your voice saying those things. It's the little voice that your PD put in your head so you'd hear her screaming at you even when she's not there.

[bloomie]

Ariel - I am sorry that you offered such sacrifices and kindness to your family and they do not appreciate you and in fact, went on to behave in an abusive manner.

More than learning to harden my heart, for me, it was learning to value myself and all that I am and what I have to offer, in a realistic light of day kind of way with all of my strengths and weaknesses, and to stop looking to people who do not care about me to define my ultimate value and worth.

There is a saying or parable, if you will, that says do not feed what is precious to pigs, they will just trample it under their feet. I am not saying your mother or sister are pigs, but rather they do not seem to value your time, efforts, sacrifices in caring for them and your loving investment in trying to keep the connections between you alive. There are plenty of wonderful, loving people out in this big ole world that would value you and where you can invest your love and energies.  Take that big heart of yours on down the road because it is an asset not a liability in my view!

I am really glad you packed up and left and are not answering your phone and exposing yourself to more character assassinations and verbal put downs. Go home. Get some rest and take care of yourself and do find a neutral 3rd party - a T, who can walk through all of this with you.

I have a personal mantra that helps me and that is: I need to be my best self for those I love and hold most dear. Which for me is my FOC and small circle of dear friends.  I cannot be that if I am broken by the contempt of those who would use me up and find fault while doing so. I can't continue to expose myself to that kind of behavior that seems to be targeted toward my heart and soul.

You didn't cause this, your can't cure it, and you can't control it. It's time to look to finding a firm foundation of self worth and a circle of loving people you can love in the beautiful and unique way you are made to do - and who will honor and appreciate you.

What a painful experience. What a loving person you are.  I am so sorry and yet so thankful you are making steps toward freedom from the dead end of trying to get someone to love us or validate us who is incapable of doing so.

popped back in to say... I love the quote in my tagline by Dr. Caroline Leaf. You are working toward learning what you need to from all of this to live free, healthy, at peace  - and that is very hard work! And you are not alone!

[MIB]

Just wanted to add my two cents to say that I think Bloomie is spot on.

One saying that helps me is "when you are engaged in a tug of war, sometimes the best thing to do is drop the rope". Maybe it is time to drop the rope for a while and take care of yourself...?

[moglow]

Ariel, consider for a moment - who she/they think you are does not at all change YOU, unless you allow it. You can allow it to make you bitter or better. Better for you, was leaving a situation where you felt unwanted and/or resented. GOOD FOR YOU!! You saw something you could change, and you did what was right for you. It wasn't about her or them - it was in *your* best interests.

So you told her you think she's a bad mom, a mean person. Well, that's how you felt, possibly have felt for a very long time now based on the way she has consistently treated you. Regret that you said it, make whatever apologies you feel are necessary, and let that shit go. If she can't listen and learn and make some kind of amends herself, that's all on her.

A while back one of my brothers rounded on mother during one of her rants, told her she's a negative hateful evil old woman. He detailed exactly why he said that to her - I know that because she repeated it to me. He - as we try to do here - focused on her *behavior*, the way she treats and talks to others. He didn't just call her names and go about his day, he was specific and outlined what she does and how it affects others. Did it help? Well, no. She claimed he'd attacked her and for no reason whatsoever! I made the mistake of repeating back to her what she claimed he said - there was no attack there, even if he was angry when he said it. He just told her things she didn't want to hear. How she received it is ALL on her.

What I hope you can gain from this is to stop internalizing their treatment of you, stop taking on and owning the names as if those names are yours. They AREN'T. That's ALL their stuff, Ariel. It doesn't define you in any way, and never will - unless you make it so.