Forgiveness

[candy]

I have been struggling with the concept of forgiveness lately. Letting go of anger and resentment is something I have done in my own FOO and I'm on my way to do it with NPDMIL and uNPDFIL. As for the IL's I understand that it is out of my abilities to help or change them or even make them  understand how they hurt me. I do not care about how they behave anymore. Therefore I am able to let go of my negative emotions, especially the anger.

But letting go is less than forgiveness, it strikes me. I am not much into religion, consequently I try to make sense of forgiveness from a psychological view. The following article gives a definition of forgiveness I understand intellectually:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/the-forgiving-life/201804/why-forgiving-does-not-require-apology

What I cannot fully grasp is how to be compassionate with the abuser. When I had a PDExBF it took me quite a time to understand that is was ok to leave an abusive relationship, just for my own sake. I was so very used to fix and help people get better, I didn't know it was reasonable and healthy to put my own well-being first.

My t says it this way: you do not have to understand which internal forces and motivations drive someone. If that someone is hurting you and doesn't show remorse, you'll better distance yourself.

I understand that forgiveness does not need reconciliation. But really: how is it possible to ,,be good, within reason, towards your offender"?

I am pretty sure my PD's have had some biographical experiences that made them prone to develop their PD. For instance I  can imagine my NPDMIL being a lonely little girl and I may even feel empathy for that little girl. But she is an adult now and she makes choices like every adult on this planet. She chooses to treat others badly, she chooses to hurt and to ignore boundaries.

Maybe she is miserable and this is her unhealthy way of coping. Anyway, this is my serious question: How can you be good to a person that actively hurts others?

When I listened to my IL's talking about their children, when I listen to DH, what kind of abuse he endured during childhood, adolescence and now as a grown man, it makes me feel sick.
It is so very, very different from how we treat our DD, how we treat the people we love. They talk and act cruel, toxic, loathsome. There is no good, not even within reason, I can apply. Frankly, I wonder whether I am just incapable of forgiving.

Maybe it is just a problem of language or translation as I'm no native speaker. In my mother tongue there are two words for forgiveness. Both of them translate in the spirit of being asked for forgiveness. It includes the other person.

E.g. we ask someone's pardon, we ask for forgiveness, we do not apologize to somebody but ask that someone to accept our apology.
Maybe that further illustrates what makes it so difficult for me to get the point of forgiveness.

I would appreciate reading your thoughts on this. Thank you for reading.

[Poison Ivy]

I don't think you need to forgive your in-laws.

[Associate of Daniel]

Forgiveness is such a big subject.

Just quickly... yes. I think forgiveness needs to be sought by the offender for it to be given.

But I think in the meantime that we need to live with an attitude of forgiveness, ready for the time the offender might ask for it.

Jesus calls for us to love our enemies and do good to them.  But in some cases (eg David and King Saul) He says to avoid them.

In my case, it is simply too dangerous for me to even say hello to my pds, so I come across as rude when I (essentially) ignore them.

But I think I am supposed to have an attitude towards them that is not of anger or hatred. One of concern for them. They are ill afterall.

So I pray for them and I try not to speak ill of them. I try to acknowledge to others the good things the pds (occasionally) do. I try not to get angry or frustrated by their antics. Rather, I try to practise radical acceptance.

I think, from a safe distance, that is about all I can do.

If I were to say to my pds that I forgive them, they'd likely laugh in my face. That, or rage at me. How dare I say they are anything less than perfect? It's not them who have done anything wrong. It's me. I'm the one who needs their forgiveness for all the terrible things that I've done. Not them.

That's why, I think, forgiveness is a 2 way street. Every transaction needs two parties. Forgiveness needs to be sought by the offender and granted by the offended.

Sigh. It all sounds so easy.  But it's ongoing, hard work.

I'm almost there, I think, with my uNPD exH. I'm nowhere near there with his uNPD wife.

AOD

[athene1399]

I think the article just gives different examples depending on the situation. As you described your case, I would think that "acting good towards them" could be as simple as you choosing not to say bad things about them behind their back. You let go of how they act and choose not to respond about it. That's kind of like the radical acceptance AoD was talking about. I think the article is saying to get rid of your frustrations to reduce the anger you may feel over their actions. You can do this by letting go and not holding a grudge over what they are doing. I would think "acting good..." can be interpreted however you wish to. I would suggest interpreting it as not wasting energy on being upset, or doing things that you would do when upset. But you also have to not be upset over it IMO. Like you can't bottle it up if they are upsetting you. That's not good either. I feel it's like a balance of letting go and not getting upset.

It's complicated and now I'm just talking in circles. I hope some of this helps.

[candy]

athene1399, thank you for the the picture of balance. That is helpful to my understanding.

Not talking bad behind their backs is something I already do. I've never looked at it as an act of doing good.
It's between them and me respectively DH/me, I don't think it is anyone else business.
What's more I'm convinced gossip, or a real smear campaign, says a lot more about the person who talks than about the one talked about. The best one can do is to not engage in those kind of talks.

But still I sometimes come here to vent 

AOD, a two way street, exactly! I feel validated not being the only one who thinks of forgiveness as a kind of interaction.
I marvel at your attitude of concern for your PD's. With regard to my IL's I confess I couldn't do this. I assess their behavior with the same standards I assess friends or strangers.

The PD's in my FOO get more second chances and indulgence. They are not as toxic as my narc IL's, possibly bc their suspected or diagnosed personality disorders differ. Reduced contact and a dose of detachment gives me a relatively safe place to deal with them.

It would be easier for me to be forgiving to my FOO, I have to admit. I care for them and love them, something I am not able to say about my IL's after 10 years of being their scapegoat DIL.

Poison Ivy, thank you for stating it straightforward 
Sort of made my otherwise awful day today!