Hi, I'm new.

[fixingtofix]

I just wanted to quickly introduce myself! I broke Out of the FOG that was my family three years ago. I'm pretty much VLC with my family of origin.

I didn't have a great relationship with my father for a long time, lots of stuff to unpack from childhood, but mostly have been able to work through it. He doesn't seem interested in a relationship with me, so I'm not putting myself out there for rejection over and over again. No major fall out just kind of a whatever dude thing. We can talk when we have to see each other, but I don't call and he doesn't call me.

My mother has some PD going on, but I'm not sure what. Waifish, co-dependent, possible narc. Makes poor decisions, refuses to help herself and at 60 blames everyone for her problems. I have offered her an out a few times, as has my sister. She didn't take me up on my offer and screwed up the chance she had to live with my sister.

The day that I stopped calling my mother and "checking in" was the day that I stopped hearing from everyone. There was no falling out, no discussion, I just was fed up with my mother's waifish-ness and playing the victim that I didn't return a text. I needed some time to breathe and it turns out that time out I took opened up my eyes to a lot of things that were really messed up.

I didn't hear from her, even a text, a few days later for a holiday, a week later for one of my children's birthdays, a month later for another birthday. Then I realized that she never had sent texts for birthdays or holidays prior to that, if there was reaching out, it was done by me. (And I was not going to reach out to solicit a birthday greeting for my kids). I even had a baby and never got a phone call. I know she knew there was a baby because she "liked" it on social media. No phone call to be like "so what's up, what's new, why haven't you called?"

As far as my siblings, I think that just due to the messed up nature of our upbringing, we aren't very close. I have one sister who was the GC and to this day is. A part of the reason I haven't tried to re-establish contact is because my children are old enough to see that love is not given equally amongst the grandchildren and that my sister's kids are favored. (for example, my mother doesn't have much in the way of money but will go broke in December to buy gifts for my sister's kids, she's never sent a gift to mine.)

Letters will occasionally come from my mother that start with "I'm not sure what I did...." or "I know we don't talk...."

She'll send text messages with information like "Your father's cancer is back." or "Your uncle died." and often preface that with "I know we don't talk" and follow it with kiss emojis. (Barf.)

As for my husband's side of the family, his mother is uNPD and his father is that as well or just a class a jerk who doesn't think anyone is good enough to talk to him.

I'm still trying to shine up my spine to deal with them, as we see them more, but my husband and I are close to the same page on dealing with them. We are on the same page as each other for dealing with my family (which is go to funerals and be polite when my mother texts with health information).

So I think a lot of my posts will have to do with his family, as I'm faced with them more and when faced with PD and the crazy that comes with it, it's hard to navigate, especially with a background that hasn't taught you to work with it.

Finally, this board has been a big help for me in navigating my family and his, thank you!

[coyote]

Just wanted to welcome you fixingtofix. I'm glad the community has been a help already. I don't have any advice; doesn't seem you are looking for any. Just wanted to say hi and I'm glad you found us.

[fixingtofix]

Hi Coyote!

Right, no advice seeking right now, but I know I will need some time the future!

[Summer Sun]

Fixingtofix, just wanted to add my welcome.  Seems like you've been served a double portion with each FOO side.  Not an easy path to navigate and my heart goes out to you. 

It sounds like you are managing VLC well, being polite, detached.  Your M sounds very much like the UPD's in my FOO.  I, always the one to initiate contact, experiencing blatant favourtism etc.  The fallout from the rest of the FOO as the FM's and minions pick the one side they've heard voiced and then SG.  Victimized twice, not so nice.  Like you, I have been served a double portion, good to hear your DH and you are cohesive, this is a blessing to lean into and stand on. 

Lots of resources here at Out of the FOG that deepen one's understanding of our experiences and the toolbox can be beneficial too in helping us navigate PD troubled waters.

Wishing you a circle of support, strength, kindness and all the love you and yours so deserve.

Summer Sun

[GentleSoul]

Welcome,  sorry to read of the behaviours on both sides of the family.  That is a lot to deal with.

Your description of your mum reminds me very much of my uPD husband. 

Wishing you and your husband all the best.

[fixingtofix]

Thank you, everyone for the welcomes and the well wishes!

You are right. Summer Sun that it is nice to be cohesive with my husband. I will admit that because he grew up with the uPDM and F, he learned how to navigate and detach in a good way, but that also means that he's able to spend time with them without getting upset. I on the other hand am still learning that. As far as FOO goes, I still wonder what extended family has been told about me. I saw some extended family two years after going VLC and they were either super polite and didn't say anything or didn't know what was going on. I also realize that my mother's life choices made it hard to have a relationship with my aunts/uncles/cousins whom I actually really like.

Gentle Soul, coming Out of the FOG with my mother was painful but so healing. When I realized that SHE was the problem, not me, not my life choices, healing really took place.

[GentleSoul]

Gentle Soul, coming Out of the FOG with my mother was painful but so healing. When I realized that SHE was the problem, not me, not my life choices, healing really took place.

I very much agree that initially coming out of the F.O.G. is very raw and painful, but once realised and felt, healing can happen.