So I've been getting the silent treatment for months. UPDM yelled at me and hung up on me when I set a simple boundary and expressed that I didn't like how negatively she was speaking to me. Even enD said not to talk to her because she was being unreasonable. He continued to communicate with me in secret for a while, but that stopped about a month ago.
Fast forward to this week. Now they are accusing me by text of giving them the silent treatment and demanding that I stop! I know they are telling others that I'm giving them the silent treatment. Is this the DARVO that someone posted about the other day? How do you combat being the offender when you are actually the victim without JADEing? Add to it that enD MIGHT have a serious health condition that they hinted about on social media but haven't told me about. I heard from someone who follows them because I'm barely looking at social media due to the nonsense. She likes to weaponize info when I don't call them every day at the proper time.
Very familiar with this one, Sidney. So many times mother has accused me or others of silent treatment after she's slammed down the phone/abruptly ended conversations in anger. We (and you maybe?) are supposed to grovel, call and call and call until she deigns answer the phone - AND she expects an apology for making her mad. Well, that used to be exactly what happened, for most of my life.
Several years ago now, I finally stopped the grovel. I've backed off and call much less often, visit her even less. Why? I realized a) she's not all thst interested in me/others, just uses people as sounding boards for the many and assorted ills, frustrations and anger in her life; and b) you slam down a phone/hang up on me, I'm going to assume you don't want to talk to me. That's not silent treatment, dear - that's me with nothing productive, useful or pleasant to say. There's a difference!
So really, that's my advice - try calling when you have something to say, news to share, not just to sit and be pounded away at for stuff that isnt yours. I'm not saying make it all about you, but def try and limit the beatdown and gripe sessions. Ask about them, be interested obviously, but dont hang around just so she can fill dead air with anger. And consider setting a mental time limit. Oops look at the time, gotta go, we'll talk soon! Make those calls something to want instead of somerhing to drag yourself painfully through, ya know?
I think you have to decide if you are willing to call your mother given the constraints on your relationship, i.e.--
1) Your mother likely won't ever take accountability for hanging up on you. She will make something up to blame you for what really happened.
2) Your mother wants to keep you in the "child" role. She likely won't ever admit you are an adult with your own thoughts. This is so she can control you.
3) Your father is going to ultimately align himself with your mother. IMHO, it would be very difficult to carry on a separate relationship with him, as everything he does seems to go past your mother first. That's what she wants to do with you, to make herself the "gatekeeper".
So given those constraints, are you willing to talk to your mother? If I did, I agree with Moglow-- i.e., I would only call her if I had something to say, not just to "check in" or ask her about the weather. And if I did call, I would be prepared for more blaming, shaming and bullying. So I would have my boundaries firmly in place.
Can your DH call your father to ask him what is going on medically? I really feel that if your dad wanted you to know what was going on with him, he would contact you. He is an adult, even if he's constrained by your mother. Surely he could find a time to call you when she wasn't around.
I don't think I'd have DH ask about your father's "health scare" - I think that was a carrot that was dangled, to see if you'd come running to the rescue.
My feeling is if people want to play games with information like that, I'm not going to be involved or concern myself with it. I don't like being played or manipulated. >:(
Words intended to bait:
Could be, might be, rule out, possible, maybe, not sure, think, testing, undefined, inconclusive, more testing needed, perhaps - and anything of a *vague* nature, like getting on the internet and asking for thoughts and prayers, but not stating WHY, and leaving people dangling. :stars:
I've been to the "health scare" rodeo FAR too many times, where unBPD Didi started having herself hospitalized for makeitupitis, and when that didn't work on me, it seemed like every other week, it was a "caaaaaaaaaancer" scare that turned out to be bogus. :aaauuugh:
Those also didn't work - I didn't come running. I stayed home and when she finally was diagnosed with cancer, my first thought was, "Right - pull the other one." :evil2:
But I do agree to call only IF you want to, and *when* you feel like you can handle it, and actually have something to say *that can't be used against you later.* (Like your DD, the arm sling and all the drama your mom created around that.) :roll:
If that means you don't call for several months - so be it. :yes:
If you decided to call, do NOT grovel or apologize for anything. Act like everything is just lovely, and if your mom wants to behave badly, get snotty, sneers or spits words at you, or generally just sounds miserable and unpleasant, I'd end the call with, "I can tell you're getting upset. We'll catch up later. Goodbye." :ninja:
If more vague hints are thrown out about your father's health, I'd stick with, "I'm sure his doctor knows what he's doing/has this/will refer him to a great specialist." :ninja:
Just so you know, unBPD Didi was big on giving me the ST, then acting like I was the one doing it to her. I'd *ignore* all insinuations and carry on like things were just fine, use Medium Chill, and she'd still slam the phone down in my ear, five minutes later - because I wasn't doing what she wanted in groveling, begging her forgiveness, and becoming OVERLY concerned about her problems. :roll:
Once you malfunction, that's it - things will never be the same again because you're not playing the ridiculous and useless mind-games they want to play.
:hug:
:yeahthat:
Heck yeah it's DARVO. Since they are directly accusing you of giving the silent treatment, I think you can state your truth and your boundary one time. Something like, "I am not giving you the silent treatment. You are welcome to call and have a respectful conversation with me." Or whatever fits your situation.
And then when/if they do, do all the stuff WI said lol. Including ending the call should it turn accusatory.
I personally would not end this stalemate by calling, because they would likely see that as they finally WON and their accusations got you to comply.
Many years ago, before I was Out of the FOG, my dad informed me via email that my uBPD mother was annoyed that I hadn't been calling enough. He suggested she call me if she wanted to talk to me so badly. Her response was, "I'm not calling her until she calls me first!" :stars: And of course I did exactly that, which only reinforced that if she really wants something from me and isn't getting it, she just needs to rally the Flying Monkeys!
This is a game. Part of her smear campaign to make it sound like Sidney37 is the Bad Guy and mommy is the Poor Victim. If it wasn't the silent treatment she was accusing you of, it'd probably be something else. Don't fall for it.
It is indeed a game. It's called "All The Power And Control: Who's Got It?"
sane and healthy people don't participate in this game. Instead, they simply Drop The Rope and conduct their relationships with healthy and sane people, who don't play either.
Kiki81 is right.
Its confusing and crazy making to be accused of using the same techniques as the PDs. Especially as we spend a lot of time and effort learning about PDs and healthier coping techniques. This is not a professional opinion, but as I see it, the depth of our understanding is the major difference between what we're doing and what the PDs do. I have spoken to a T about this and she reminded me to continue on with learning healthier coping techniques and to not discuss or use psychological terms with most people. In other words, drop the rope, like Kiki81 writes.
By being aware of this dynamic and not looking at their social media as much as you used to, you are strong and well on your way to getting through this one.
Think of the differences here between what you're doing, and what your parents are doing. Your mother's silence comes with these things, along with probably much more:
triangulation (enD, and their social media followers in the middle of communications)
accusations (dropping the rope does not include accusing anyone of anything, it simply means giving up the game and walking away)
resorting to health issues to gain attention
Quote from: Cat of the Canals on August 02, 2019, 06:44:15 PM
Many years ago, before I was Out of the FOG, my dad informed me via email that my uBPD mother was annoyed that I hadn't been calling enough. He suggested she call me if she wanted to talk to me so badly. Her response was, "I'm not calling her until she calls me first!" :stars: And of course I did exactly that, which only reinforced that if she really wants something from me and isn't getting it, she just needs to rally the Flying Monkeys!
This is a game. Part of her smear campaign to make it sound like Sidney37 is the Bad Guy and mommy is the Poor Victim. If it wasn't the silent treatment she was accusing you of, it'd probably be something else. Don't fall for it.
Ha ha - last holiday (vacation) I had numerous facebook messages from Dad FM (my brother) that I hadnt called Dad enough..... Yeh right I'm away, having fun, and theres a 5 hour time difference. This years I'm going to call him at 8am Eastern time (which would be 3am UK time) and say "only time I can call we're off to Disney. Oops is it 3am?"
Thanks everyone. It's always good to get a reminder that this is her and not me. My enD called. He's still not "permitted" to talk to me, but seems to miss me and the kids. He seems well aware that it's her not speaking to me, but wants to talk to me in secret, I told him to think about how crazy it is that it's as if he is having an affair with his own daughter. It's part flying monkey part sad father/grandfather who has been verbally abused by her for years.
She asked me months ago just before the silent treatment what I meant when I said that I didn't like how negative her comments were to me on the phone and I would would be hanging up when she talked to me like that going forward. She demanded to know what I meant. I gave her 2 examples of her really snide, negative criticisms. She's turned one into a completely innocent, polite, grandmotherly question that expresses concern for my safety. :stars: She's now going around telling people that I'm giving her the silent treatment over this totally kind, innocent question. I hate being made to look like an evil person.
P123 - I thought something sounded off with your time calculation, so I checked. The UK is 5 hours ahead of US Eastern Daylight Time, so if you want to call him at 3AM, UK time, you'd need to call at 10PM, US EDT. You can say you just got in from a fun-filled day at Disney -oops! It's 3 AM. My bad. :evil2:
Friends don't let friends accidentally shoot themselves in the foot. 8-)
Calling him at 8AM, EDT, would mean catching him at 1 in the afternoon, UK time, and you definitely don't want that! :aaauuugh:
PS - if you want to get your dad a souvenir, I'd opt for the mouse ears, since he's such a "fan" of the US. :bigwink:
Sidney, oh, let her bleat her sad, sad, sad, sad, OH SO SAAAAAAD bleats to anybody who wants to listen. The way she's carrying on, people are going to figure out pretty quickly that she's the one with the problem, and not you. :yes:
Those that don't? Well, those are probably minions, and who cares what think? :ninja:
Eventually, somebody is probably going to say to her, "If I thought my daughter was giving me the Silent Treatment, I'd call her to smooth things over, even if it meant apologizing for things I didn't know I did. Why don't you try that approach?"
She'll shoot that suggestion down, probably loudly and angrily - and yet another person will figure out where the problem really is. :yes:
The more she kicks up and carries on, the *better* it is for you, because people aren't stupid, and will probably start saying - if they haven't started, already - "If that's even *close* to how she talks to her daughter, it's a wonder her daughter didn't cut ties YEARS ago!" :yes:
We know you're not "the bad guy" or "evil" - and you know it, too. :)
Your mother *has* to twist things around so she's the victim, because she's *incapable* of being held accountable for her own actions and words. She's been doing it all her life, and has got it down to an art form - so leave her be, let her twist words and victimize herself, while you bask in The Silent Treat. :yahoo:
When she decides it's over, *please* stick to your plan and hang up the second she says anything abusive, negative, nasty, or hostile - and if she wants to think you're giving her the ST again, she can go right on thinking it. 8-)
People like your mom don't learn and can't change - but we can, and we can use their own weaknesses and tendencies against them, to make OUR lives better - and a LOT more quiet. :)
Hang in there - you're doing GREAT! :sunny:
:hug:
Quote from: WomanInterrupted on August 05, 2019, 10:44:03 PM
P123 - I thought something sounded off with your time calculation, so I checked. The UK is 5 hours ahead of US Eastern Daylight Time, so if you want to call him at 3AM, UK time, you'd need to call at 10PM, US EDT. You can say you just got in from a fun-filled day at Disney -oops! It's 3 AM. My bad. :evil2:
Friends don't let friends accidentally shoot themselves in the foot. 8-)
Calling him at 8AM, EDT, would mean catching him at 1 in the afternoon, UK time, and you definitely don't want that! :aaauuugh:
PS - if you want to get your dad a souvenir, I'd opt for the mouse ears, since he's such a "fan" of the US. :bigwink:
Sidney, oh, let her bleat her sad, sad, sad, sad, OH SO SAAAAAAD bleats to anybody who wants to listen. The way she's carrying on, people are going to figure out pretty quickly that she's the one with the problem, and not you. :yes:
Those that don't? Well, those are probably minions, and who cares what think? :ninja:
Eventually, somebody is probably going to say to her, "If I thought my daughter was giving me the Silent Treatment, I'd call her to smooth things over, even if it meant apologizing for things I didn't know I did. Why don't you try that approach?"
She'll shoot that suggestion down, probably loudly and angrily - and yet another person will figure out where the problem really is. :yes:
The more she kicks up and carries on, the *better* it is for you, because people aren't stupid, and will probably start saying - if they haven't started, already - "If that's even *close* to how she talks to her daughter, it's a wonder her daughter didn't cut ties YEARS ago!" :yes:
We know you're not "the bad guy" or "evil" - and you know it, too. :)
Your mother *has* to twist things around so she's the victim, because she's *incapable* of being held accountable for her own actions and words. She's been doing it all her life, and has got it down to an art form - so leave her be, let her twist words and victimize herself, while you bask in The Silent Treat. :yahoo:
When she decides it's over, *please* stick to your plan and hang up the second she says anything abusive, negative, nasty, or hostile - and if she wants to think you're giving her the ST again, she can go right on thinking it. 8-)
People like your mom don't learn and can't change - but we can, and we can use their own weaknesses and tendencies against them, to make OUR lives better - and a LOT more quiet. :)
Hang in there - you're doing GREAT! :sunny:
:hug:
WI - Of course. I go every year so should know the time difference! Must be going mad.... Thanks - calling him at 1pm would suit him down to the ground - he'd want a call every day!!!!
Ha ha - hes already said "don't buy me any of that rubbish they sell in America!". Always says this. So guess what he gets (whilst wifes mother does get presents ) - sweet FA!!!!!
So glad your dad called! As I said in my last post, I thought he would if he wanted you to know about his situation, even though your mother is trying her best to act as "gatekeeper". At the very least, you know in the future that your mother is trying to keep information to use as a weapon toward you and you can make your decisions-- i.e., whether to call/not call, etc.-- based on that knowledge. Also, she's never going to take accountability/blame for her actions. That's been going on most of your life, from what you posted on another thread, and will also likely continue.
Quote from: WomanInterrupted on August 05, 2019, 10:44:03 PM
The way she's carrying on, people are going to figure out pretty quickly that she's the one with the problem, and not you. :yes:
Those that don't? Well, those are probably minions, and who cares what think? :ninja:
:yeahthat:
Have you ever been around someone that complains non-stop and plays the "woe is me" card a little too often? Because when I'm around someone like that, I might show some superficial sympathy out of politeness, but on the inside, I'm thinking, "This person always seems to have some crisis they're going through..." And then I start to wonder if maybe they aren't inventing/instigating said crises.
QuoteShe asked me months ago just before the silent treatment what I meant when I said that I didn't like how negative her comments were to me on the phone and I would would be hanging up when she talked to me like that going forward. She demanded to know what I meant. I gave her 2 examples of her really snide, negative criticisms. She's turned one into a completely innocent, polite, grandmotherly question that expresses concern for my safety. (https://outofthefog.net/forum/Smileys/default/stars.gif) She's now going around telling people that I'm giving her the silent treatment over this totally kind, innocent question.
Sing it, sister! Been there, did that with mine too. Very familiar with that particular twist to a straightforward answer to their supposed kind caring question. And let's be honest - what would be her response/reaction were you to make those exact comments (including inflection) to her? Yeah. That.
Mine has historically made snide, belittling, "joking" putdowns, always excused or laughed them off if confronted. You know, I'm too sensitive or can't I take a joke - no recognition that all the negative comments pile up after a lifetime of it. Or that she wouldnt appreciate or find it funny *at all* were I or anyone else to talk to her that way.
A number of years back I stopped her in the middle of an otherwise calm conversation, asked her to please stop saying that I'm (insert insult of choice here). It hurts my feelings and makes me feel that's how she sees me, it's not funny to me in any way. She. Went. Off. Claimed I attacked her, told God and everybody who'd stand still long enough about me attacking her. I insulted her! I mocked her! I abused her! She went from there into a snarl of epic proportions about my lack of character and the disrespect being shown her. Um, huh??? I asked her to stop calling me names, told her I was hurt by it. I didn't raise my voice, say one foul word but I had dared speak up for myself. Not allowed!
Anyway, yes, I get where you are. Try and remember what she tells others says a whole lot more about her than it ever will you. She (and they) may think what they will, you're just not groveling and sweeping her behavior under the rug. You broke her rules - and probably well past time for that.
Absolutely, moglow. I had an eerily similar experience with my MIL. She went so far as to scream, "I am NOT LIKE YOUR PARENTS!" Even though I said or implied no such thing. She knew they were abusive and I had gone NC. Guess where MIL is now? :evil2:
DARVO, all DARVO. Accepting responsibility for even the smallest thing is simply not possible, no matter how far down the consequence spiral that takes them.
Quote from: Cat of the Canals on August 02, 2019, 06:44:15 PM
Many years ago, before I was Out of the FOG, my dad informed me via email that my uBPD mother was annoyed that I hadn't been calling enough. He suggested she call me if she wanted to talk to me so badly. Her response was, "I'm not calling her until she calls me first!" :stars: And of course I did exactly that, which only reinforced that if she really wants something from me and isn't getting it, she just needs to rally the Flying Monkeys!
This is a game. Part of her smear campaign to make it sound like Sidney37 is the Bad Guy and mommy is the Poor Victim. If it wasn't the silent treatment she was accusing you of, it'd probably be something else. Don't fall for it.
Thanks. They are all so similar, aren't they? It's truly crazy making. I got a text today from her. The first contact in months. I stated my boundary again. I will talk to her as long as she is being kind. (And honestly I don't by believe she can). I then get the demand that I call her (because she won't call me). stars:
I'd ignore the demand and call only IF you have something to say (that can't be used against you), and not to "just check in."
I'd call *only* if and when I felt emotionally healthy and balanced enough to do it - and yes, stick to that boundary. If she gets angry, nasty, or snotty, the ride stops and you hang up. :yes:
If you haven't blocked her or unfriended her on FB, or made it so that she can't see your posts, I'd do that before I even thought about calling - that way, it can't be used against you to have mountains made out of molehills.
Another thing you can do, if you decide to call, is *set a time limit* - set the kitchen timer to go off, "(Gotta go - food's ready..."), the dryer to buzz, ("Gotta go - these sheets won't fold themselves..."), or ring the doorbell. ("Gotta go - somebody's at the door.")
If she demands to know WHO - Amazon. You forgot what you ordered. :ninja:
OR you can take this time to seriously consider blocking her number and going NC. Your father didn't mention anything about his health problems - and they really are none of your concern. They are HIS and *he* can manage them.
You don't need to be involved.
And you don't have to have ANY of this in your life if you just say, "I can't do it. I HAVE to go NC, because these insane games she's playing are only getting WORSE!" :aaauuugh:
Just *think* about it, at least. :yes:
:hug:
I don't think I have a thing to say to her. I don't have anything to tell her or a reason to call. She eventually uses everything against me or gossips about everything I tell her. A call right now would be nothing but a check in. I don't want her to know a thing about me or my family. I can't think of one thing that I want to say. I'm not at a place emotionally that I want to call her. I can talk briefly to her and be nice if she calls me, but she has refused for quite some time to call me or to even return a call. I have to be the one to call, know her schedule as to when she will be there, read her mind to know if it's a time she actually wants to talk, etc. If she's not there, I have to keep calling until she answers. Remember I called multiple times on Mother's Day and she didn't answer? I was told that I didn't call enough times. I should have tried more. :stars: It's a game and it's controlling. Calling her after all of this time on a demand is a game that she is playing. I'm not playing her phone games any more.
She's put me in a position where she demands that I call. If I don't will tell others "See, I tried to talk to Sidney and SHE's the one who's not being nice. I offered to talk to her, but SHE won't talk to MEEEEEE." My boundary was that I would talk to her if she was being nice. She'll insist that telling me to call her is being nice. It isn't. I know I'll get lectured by her if I do call about ME giving HER the silent treatment or how mean she thinks I have been to her. If I don't call, she and the flying monkeys will use it as proof that I lied. I told them that I'd talk to her if she was kind, but she tried and I didn't call her. She "tried to be kind" and I didn't respond. I'm made to feel guilty no matter what I do.
Quote from: Sidney37 on August 07, 2019, 06:28:47 AM
I'm not at a place emotionally that I want to call her.
That's all I need to hear. Don't call!
I'm having my own mini version of this right now. Mom was giving me ST, but now that she's decided to lift it, I'm expected to pick up the phone and be best buddies again. I almost caved last night and did it, just to get it over with, but I knew I'd feel horrible if I did. I'm done pretending that "everything is fine" for her benefit.
Quote from: Sidney37 on August 07, 2019, 06:28:47 AM
I don't think I have a thing to say to her. I don't have anything to tell her or a reason to call. She eventually uses everything against me or gossips about everything I tell her. A call right now would be nothing but a check in. I don't want her to know a thing about me or my family. I can't think of one thing that I want to say. I'm not at a place emotionally that I want to call her. I can talk briefly to her and be nice if she calls me, but she has refused for quite some time to call me or to even return a call. I have to be the one to call, know her schedule as to when she will be there, read her mind to know if it's a time she actually wants to talk, etc. If she's not there, I have to keep calling until she answers. Remember I called multiple times on Mother's Day and she didn't answer? I was told that I didn't call enough times. I should have tried more. :stars: It's a game and it's controlling. Calling her after all of this time on a demand is a game that she is playing. I'm not playing her phone games any more.
She's put me in a position where she demands that I call. If I don't will tell others "See, I tried to talk to Sidney and SHE's the one who's not being nice. I offered to talk to her, but SHE won't talk to MEEEEEE." My boundary was that I would talk to her if she was being nice. She'll insist that telling me to call her is being nice. It isn't. I know I'll get lectured by her if I do call about ME giving HER the silent treatment or how mean she thinks I have been to her. If I don't call, she and the flying monkeys will use it as proof that I lied. I told them that I'd talk to her if she was kind, but she tried and I didn't call her. She "tried to be kind" and I didn't respond. I'm made to feel guilty no matter what I do.
She "tried to be kind" and failed spectacularly. Kindness does not make demands. So boundary is still in effect, you're not calling. It's not your job to educate your mother on how to be a decent human. The smear campaign, :meh: The smart people will figure out what's going on, and the rest of them you don't need to care about. If your mother did say that, it would be a lie, by the way. I don't know about your M, but my uNF has so little self-awareness that he did put in writing all of his boundary-busting and explained very clearly WHY I won't respond to him now, while at the same time demanding people become his flying monkeys and get me back in line for him because I am wrong and he is the father! :stars: From being on here a while, it seems like the pwpd can't help but expose themselves sooner or later.
On another note, I think it's really cool that you and Cat of the Canals have each other going through this basically identical scenario.
Quote from: Sidney37 on August 02, 2019, 07:47:21 AM
... Add to it that enD MIGHT have a serious health condition that they hinted about on social media but haven't told me about. I heard from someone who follows them because I'm barely looking at social media due to the nonsense. She likes to weaponize info when I don't call them every day at the proper time.
DId your dad mention or explain this "health concern" when he called you? Did you ask him about it? Just wondering, since in your original post you are concerned. WI said in her post that your dad didn't mention anything. I didn't see where you posted that.
I just assumed in my last post that your dad had laid to rest your concerns.
I asked him directly. It was a serious concern. Not what I assumed, but it warranted the MRI. It's not anything terminal, but could be serious. Still following up with doctors.
Hi Sidney,
Glad you found out what the deal was. It's so screwed that you're hands are tied-- or at least constrained-- in trying to have a relationship with your dad. I, also had an enD and a NM. It really sucks.
Your eyes are wide open now, though, to your mother's latest "tricks". So much better to be Out of the FOG when it comes to planning countermoves. At least your dad did contact you, despite your mother's "hold" over him. I wish him the best. Take care!
Sorry - I just made an assumption, and you know what they say about that. :-[
I figured you'd ask - I think all of us would, with that public FB post and all. :yes:
I'm glad your dad is on it, and is following up with doctors - and there really isn't much you can do for him.
I'm sure your mom won't keep you in the loop, since that's how she rolls. You either let her walk all over you, or you don't hear anything - that, to me, falls under the definition of "not being nice" - so I wouldn't call. :ninja:
And a *demand* for you to call her? DEFINITELY not nice. Being nice means you *ask* somebody to call you, if/when they've got time. :yes:
UnBPD Didi was big on that, too. She'd leave a message on the machine that says, "This is your moooooooooooooother. Did you forget about meeeeeeee?" :violin:
There aren't enough drugs and alcohol in the entire world to make me forget! :roll:
Later, it might be, "This is your MOTHER. ANSWER THE PHONE."
Sorry, I can't hear you above the volume of my upturned middle finger. :evil2:
I'd just erase crap like that and call when *I* felt I could handle it - or any "medical crisis" where she needed something from me might be over. (And like you, I'd hear nothing, because it was mostly BS.)
I'm sure you know this by now, but don't expect her to NOT be negative for very long - Didi lasted *one entire sentence* before reverting to being nasty and slamming the phone down!
Yeah! ONE freaking sentence. It was a warm, sincere, genuine, "How ARE you, WI?"
Huh? Wha? Who IS this? :uuuuhhh:
I stuck to Medium Chill. "I'm fine. Really good." :ninja:
She huffed angrily in my ear, and said, "So THAT'S how you're going to be!" :dramaqueen: :pissed:
I said, "I don't follow. I told you I'm fine. I don't understand what I'm missing." :ninja
SLAM goes the phone. :roll:
I knew *exactly* what I was missing - not saying, "Oh mommy, my beloved mommy, how THOUGHTFUL of you to ask about me! I will now spill and tell you all my darkest secrets and deepest fears, so you can use them against me later. I will be an open book, stop all this ridiculous boundary nonsense, and let you stomp all over me again!"
I decided I wasn't going to call her back for over 2 weeks - the period of her Silent Treat - and see what happened, but that's when the hospitalizations *really* started to escalate. :doh:
That's a funny way to try to punish somebody who has her own car and had gotten off the insane merry-go-round months ago. :phoot:
Please do the same now - demands to call *aren't nice* - and it's not up to you to teach an adult woman that the words "please" and "thank you" are what make polite society, well, polite.
:hug:
Quote from: Sidney37 on August 07, 2019, 06:28:47 AM
It's a game and it's controlling. Calling her after all of this time on a demand is a game that she is playing. I'm not playing her phone games any more.
That's exactly it: a game. N father did similar to me when we were in contact, he would be vile on the phone, cut the call short and then not call me in months. Then he would start trying to call again as though he was a concerned father who couldn't get hold of me. All a load of rubbish and a complete distortion of reality.
I think you're entirely right to state your boundaries when it comes to phone calls as you need to consider your mental health. I reached the point with NF where phone calls with him just made me feel terrible each and every time, so I advised him that I no longer wished to speak on the phone but would communicate via text message and emails (plus face to face as long as husband was present). That way he couldn't manipulate me so easily and I would have time to process communication. He rejected all this, hence the no contact, however it was important to me to try that boundary in order to protect myself. It was far too easy for him to be covertly cruel and emotionally abusive on a telephone call, with no paper trail that he was acting like that. It's all about control.
Quote from: Sidney37 on August 07, 2019, 06:28:47 AM
She's put me in a position where she demands that I call. If I don't will tell others "See, I tried to talk to Sidney and SHE's the one who's not being nice. I offered to talk to her, but SHE won't talk to MEEEEEE." My boundary was that I would talk to her if she was being nice. She'll insist that telling me to call her is being nice. It isn't. I know I'll get lectured by her if I do call about ME giving HER the silent treatment or how mean she thinks I have been to her. If I don't call, she and the flying monkeys will use it as proof that I lied. I told them that I'd talk to her if she was kind, but she tried and I didn't call her. She "tried to be kind" and I didn't respond. I'm made to feel guilty no matter what I do.
You can't win either way, as you rightly acknowledge, so in this situation you need to do what's healthy for
you and screw what other people think. They're not the ones having to live with this reality. You know your truth and you are being entirely reasonable simply asking for civil communication with no drama or emotional abuse. Anyone who denies your truth and blindly believes your mother is not worth your time or energy. :hug:
Thanks everyone for your suggestions, personal stories and support. I'm certain I would be running back into the fog if I didn't have this forum of people who get it. IThank you so much!
I have 2 friends with PD mothers, but their reactions to their own mothers and their advice is very different than what I get here. I can see myself moving in a positive direction that allows me to make my own decisions while I see that they seem stuck.
I'm certain my dad is going to ask why I didn't call her - he's called countless times since her text, but I wasn't home. He'll insist that's her trying, being nice or "you know how she is". No clue what to say that isn't a JADE. It seems petty to insist that she has to call me first. That sounds just like what a PD would say. But I'm not positively reinforcing her behavior by calling just because she sends a text to demand it. I just wish I had easy family relationships.
I didn't read through the previous responses, so this may have already been said, but.... communication is a 2-way street. Many parents feel they're being given the "silent treatment" without seeming to understand that THEY could pick up the phone and call. My dad hasn't called me in more than 3 years, mother in nearly 2, and they're probably convinced I'm the one who "isn't speaking." Oh well.
Quote from: Sidney37 on August 08, 2019, 11:42:46 AM
...I'm certain my dad is going to ask why I didn't call her - he's called countless times since her text, but I wasn't home. He'll insist that's her trying, being nice or "you know how she is". No clue what to say that isn't a JADE. It seems petty to insist that she has to call me first. That sounds just like what a PD would say. But I'm not positively reinforcing her behavior by calling just because she sends a text to demand it. I just wish I had easy family relationships.
I believe it was Moglow who advised not to call your mother unless you had something to say. I, along with others, seconded this suggestion. How about telling your dad, if he asks why you didn't call,
"I don't have anything to say, dad. No news to report."
Your mother is trying various tactics, throwing them against the wall to see what sticks. This is typical PD behavior. Classic game-playing, as others have posted. The only way to not play the game is to drop the rope. Let her think what she likes-- that YOU are the one playing the game. It wouldn't matter if you told her or your dad the truth-- she's going to say and believe what she wants. You've experienced that many, many times. This would be no different.
Practically speaking, you know that everything you've said to your dad has gone straight to your mother. So there really isn't any "news" to report. And your mother would not be happy if you called her UNLESS you throw in an apology for "how you have behaved" in this latest attempt for her to control you. So my two cents is, follow Moglow's advice. If you really have something to tell her, call. If not, don't.
Quote from: WomanInterrupted on August 07, 2019, 10:43:15 PM
Sorry - I just made an assumption, and you know what they say about that. :-[
I figured you'd ask - I think all of us would, with that public FB post and all. :yes:
I'm glad your dad is on it, and is following up with doctors - and there really isn't much you can do for him.
I'm sure your mom won't keep you in the loop, since that's how she rolls. You either let her walk all over you, or you don't hear anything - that, to me, falls under the definition of "not being nice" - so I wouldn't call. :ninja:
And a *demand* for you to call her? DEFINITELY not nice. Being nice means you *ask* somebody to call you, if/when they've got time. :yes:
UnBPD Didi was big on that, too. She'd leave a message on the machine that says, "This is your moooooooooooooother. Did you forget about meeeeeeee?" :violin:
There aren't enough drugs and alcohol in the entire world to make me forget! :roll:
Later, it might be, "This is your MOTHER. ANSWER THE PHONE."
Sorry, I can't hear you above the volume of my upturned middle finger. :evil2:
I'd just erase crap like that and call when *I* felt I could handle it - or any "medical crisis" where she needed something from me might be over. (And like you, I'd hear nothing, because it was mostly BS.)
I'm sure you know this by now, but don't expect her to NOT be negative for very long - Didi lasted *one entire sentence* before reverting to being nasty and slamming the phone down!
Yeah! ONE freaking sentence. It was a warm, sincere, genuine, "How ARE you, WI?"
Huh? Wha? Who IS this? :uuuuhhh:
I stuck to Medium Chill. "I'm fine. Really good." :ninja:
She huffed angrily in my ear, and said, "So THAT'S how you're going to be!" :dramaqueen: :pissed:
I said, "I don't follow. I told you I'm fine. I don't understand what I'm missing." :ninja
SLAM goes the phone. :roll:
I knew *exactly* what I was missing - not saying, "Oh mommy, my beloved mommy, how THOUGHTFUL of you to ask about me! I will now spill and tell you all my darkest secrets and deepest fears, so you can use them against me later. I will be an open book, stop all this ridiculous boundary nonsense, and let you stomp all over me again!"
I decided I wasn't going to call her back for over 2 weeks - the period of her Silent Treat - and see what happened, but that's when the hospitalizations *really* started to escalate. :doh:
That's a funny way to try to punish somebody who has her own car and had gotten off the insane merry-go-round months ago. :phoot:
Please do the same now - demands to call *aren't nice* - and it's not up to you to teach an adult woman that the words "please" and "thank you" are what make polite society, well, polite.
:hug:
WI - I love your posts!!!!
As someone who is new to this group, and finds the stuff you post immensely helpful - do you have links to your best posts? i.e. the ones where you started to gain control?
I can see a lot of me in some of these posts but Im not there yet.
Quote from: illogical on August 08, 2019, 01:24:28 PM
I believe it was Moglow who advised not to call your mother unless you had something to say. I, along with others, seconded this suggestion. How about telling your dad, if he asks why you didn't call,
"I don't have anything to say, dad. No news to report."
Your mother is trying various tactics, throwing them against the wall to see what sticks. This is typical PD behavior. Classic game-playing, as others have posted. The only way to not play the game is to drop the rope. Let her think what she likes-- that YOU are the one playing the game. It wouldn't matter if you told her or your dad the truth-- she's going to say and believe what she wants. You've experienced that many, many times. This would be no different.
Practically speaking, you know that everything you've said to your dad has gone straight to your mother. So there really isn't any "news" to report. And your mother would not be happy if you called her UNLESS you throw in an apology for "how you have behaved" in this latest attempt for her to control you. So my two cents is, follow Moglow's advice. If you really have something to tell her, call. If not, don't.
I know people here have to keep reinforcing to me what I should and need to do. It's all just so painful to feel the rejection in this way. It makes you question whether anything you are doing is contributing to the situation. I appreciate the reinforcement. I'm guessing it gets easier as time goes on. Second nature, I guess.
It's just so predictable, isn't it? Their reactions and behaviors. Before enD finally reached me today to ask me why I hadn't called her yet (I was busy and didn't like a demand for a call) she unfriended me on social media. I told him that I was busy and thought she should call me since she seemed to want a call. I told him that I didn't appreciate that she didn't speak to me for months, demanded a call and then when I didn't call quickly enough unfriended me on social media. He was surprised that she had unfriended me, sounded totally defeated, but is becoming more and more flying monkey as the weeks tick by. There is no fixing this. He's a fixer and wants this resolved immediately. He can't live with the uncertainty of it all, but I can't fix that for him.
I really want to be at a point where she isn't in my head constantly. A point where this situation isn't taking up so much of my brain and emotional capacity. Right now I feel better without the constant criticism from her, but what does it take for this still not to take up portions of my day with the stress over this?
Quote from: Sidney37 on August 09, 2019, 09:56:02 AM
I really want to be at a point where she isn't in my head constantly. A point where this situation isn't taking up so much of my brain and emotional capacity. Right now I feel better without the constant criticism from her, but what does it take for this still not to take up portions of my day with the stress over this?
I highly recommend looking into the work of Dr. Caroline Leaf, either on her podcast or Youtube, or even her books.
She likens the brain to a tree. Toxic thoughts and patterns lead to a toxic tree with gnarled branches.
Healthy thoughts lead to a healthy tree with lots of beautiful branches (dendritic connections).
We can re-train our brains. Yes, they are wired for toxicity when we were raised by a PD, but we can rewire them. Just like dealing with a toddler who keeps reaching for something dangerous, we can re-direct our thoughts.
Brain: Argh, I feel so anxious about NM not calling!
Other part of brain: Oops, there we go again. (Pause. Deep breath.) The clouds are so beautiful today! Now, what was I working on again?
It's not that the problem doesn't exist. We're not shoving it down and behaving in denial. It's just that this problem is not solvable, not controllable, and yet we can let that kind of problem gobble up so much time and energy. So, when it pops into our head again, we re-direct and form a new thought.
For me, it looked like this recently. My parents had been making some efforts towards my dear B. Dad had been talking to him regularly on the phone, even though dad hasn't called me in 3+ years.
all4peace's old brain pathway: Ugh, I feel so awful. How can dad not love me? How can this still bother me? Ooof, it feels so awful. How can I be so unworthy?
all4peace's new (not yet fully developed) brain pathway: Wait! We don't need to do this again! Remember all that hard work? Remember all that anger you released? Remember the new messages you've learned? You ARE worthy. One sad and broken man's inability to love you DOES NOT DEFINE YOU! You are lovable. You are loved. (Breathe. Pause. Soak in the feeling of love I feel from my kids, my husband, my friends, my creator, nature) You are loved.
Sometimes we need to do this over and over and over and over again. Rather than getting discouraged, we can remember that we're killing off old really-well-traveled brain pathways, and we're slowly and steadily developing new pathways. Out with the old toxic thought, in with the new healthy thought.
It works. Just takes time and perseverance. Hope that helps.
all4peace, that was a beautiful post!
Hi Sidney37,
all4peace is right-- you can re-train your brain, or form new neural pathways. Besides the awesome "tree analogy" all4peace gave, think of what you are going through as MAJOR CHANGE in your life. Most are resistant to major change. When under stress, they revert to "default" or familiar behavior. This is because the very act of change is oftentimes stressful. Like a new pair of shoes you have to break in-- uncomfortable at first, but after wear, they start to conform to your feet and one day you wake up and they aren't "new" anymore. But maybe at first you don't want to break them in because it's easier to wear the old ones.
I can tell you from firsthand experience that things will get better. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and moving forward, even if you find yourself slipping or taking a couple of steps backward. You will get there! I would say it took me at least a year before I started to feel comfortable with the "new me". I no longer reached for the "old comfortable shoes" when I was under stress. And I started to like the "new me". I liked the fact I wasn't putting up with my NM and GC brother's crap anymore. As time wore on, I started thinking of them less and less. I shifted the spotlight from them to ME. After all, I told myself, no one can live your life but you. So that's what I started doing. Instead of worrying and fretting over the latest crisis, I got busy doing stuff for me-- stuff that would enhance MY LIFE. Whenever I was tempted to reach for that old pair of shoes, I said, "No. I think I'll do something else instead." Time passed and things really did get better. Sure, it was slow, but the rewards were well worth it. I was finally free of their control, free to live my own life without hindrance from them. :yes:
Mini-threadjack :)
P123 - if you sign in, you can click on any member's name and read their old posts.
Or you can go to the PD Parents Forum and look back to about September of 2012, I think. If the posts are still on the forum, they start around that date, but all not were started by me. I sometimes jumped in on other threads, like, "OMG, you too!?!?" :aaauuugh:
I was *scared* to put up boundaries, and use Medium Chill, but they WORKED - and Didi made the dumbest mistake she could ever make: she made me angry, by behaving like a toddler and whining and pleading to get her way. :blowup:
You have kids. You remember what that was like, and how you handled it.
I don't have kids, so I was working with NO background other than behaving how I thought a parent *should* behave - calmly, rationally, and decisively. No means no. If you keep asking, there will be a consequence (not that I told her - why bother? I'd have gotten even MORE calls! :roll:), and that consequence is to speak to the answering machine and I'll call you back when *I* feel like I can handle it. :ninja:
That's when I started feeling some real *traction* in my words and everything I refused to do. It all had *weight.* I did NOT have to live at Her Waify Majesty's beck and call! :woohoo:
If she was angry, that really wasn't my problem. :no:
I began to *feel* it and *believe* it. I wasn't nearly as strong as I was when I was dealing with unNPD Ray, but I was *getting there, slowly.* 8-)
Just give yourself time, be patient with yourself, groan at your mistakes and promise yourself you'll try not to do that again - vent if you need to and laugh when your dad is just so damned pathetic and predictable, they should book odds on him in Vegas, and you'd be a rich man. :bigwink:
You WILL get there - one step at a time, one foot in front of the other, always moving forward. :yes:
/End threadjack :)
:hug:
Quote from: Sidney37 on August 09, 2019, 09:56:02 AM
He's a fixer and wants this resolved immediately. He can't live with the uncertainty of it all, but I can't fix that for him.
I really want to be at a point where she isn't in my head constantly. A point where this situation isn't taking up so much of my brain and emotional capacity. Right now I feel better without the constant criticism from her, but what does it take for this still not to take up portions of my day with the stress over this?
Oh man, I know these feelings so well.
I'm sorry you're still getting pressure from your dad. Do you think he'd agree to not discuss your mother when you talk? I know your contact is already limited and strained since it has to be done in secret, but that's even more reason to not rehash all of this crap with your mom when you do get a chance to speak. And I doubt it's good for your stress levels... I know I was getting along pretty OK with my mom's little ST game
until my brother told me I needed to fix it. He was trying to make
me feel guilty and that made me so so angry. I've decided that moving forward, it's better if I don't mention my issues with her to him.
Have you tried journaling at all? This is something that's been helping me a lot. Something about getting the words and feelings out seems to keep them from swirling around in my head. :stars:
Sometimes I write about a particular painful memory. Other times I write letters to my mother telling her why I'm angry. (Letters I never intend to send, of course.) Even just 10-15 minutes a day seems to help. At first I was doing it every day, because I
needed it. After about a week, I definitely felt like the thoughts were taking up less of my headspace. Now that it's been a few months, I usually only feel the need a few times a week.
:blush:Thanks again. I needed these last few posts this weekend. I'm not sure how I would have made it through the past few months without the advice here. I'll look for the work of Dr. Leaf. I really need to get to a calm place. This weekend was not calm. I'm looking again for a therapist tomorrow.
Things escalated even more recently. The lies, FB posts and threats of self harm are exactly what people have predicted. Just what others here have experienced. I'm stunned yet not stunned at the level to which things have gotten. I've always fallen back in line before it got to this point and this is exactly why. I'm afraid of her retaliation when she comes across to everyone as the victim. I'm so glad for people here because I knew how to respond.
Hi Sidney, :)
How are the threats of suicide and lies getting to your ears? Is your *dad* telling you?
If he's the one mentioning this stuff, I'd tell him you do NOT want to hear it. Your mom is his problem, and if she threatens suicide, it's on him to call 911 - not report it back to you, in some sick attempt to gain *control* and make you feel bad.
And you might want to consider limiting his calls to you, if he can't help himself. :yes:
If anybody else is telling you this stuff, they're a FMM, and it would be a good idea to block their number(s). :thumbup:
I wouldn't worry about what others think - their eyes may be more open than you think, or are starting to open as your mom's behavior escalates.
As for the fear of your mom's retaliation - well, this is pretty much it, other than to have herself hospitalized for some made-up problem or another, or go to the ER with "chest pains." :violin:
If she winds up in the hospital or at the ER - stay home. You're better off staying out of the way and letting the professionals do their thing - and it also sends a CLEAR message of, "That doesn't work, mom." :ninja:
I know you're scared, but it's *crucial* you hold your ground and *not give in to any of this emotional blackmail* because you'll only prove to her that it WORKS, and she'll start stooping to this level, at an even more rapid pace, if she senses *any* sort of lack of compliance from you. :aaauuugh:
It's also intermittent reinforcement, proving yeah, that really DOES light a fire under your butt.
When unBPD Didi *really* started kicking up and going Full Metal Waif, it made me even *more* determined to stay OUT of it and let her play her little dramas with hospital personnel, while remaining nowhere to be found, and not heard from very often. 8-)
I wasn't going to give her the satisfaction of thinking, "Okay - to get WI's attention, I have to have myself hospitalized at LEAST 10 times - so that's what I will, do, every time I don't think she's behaving properly toward me and putting me first." :dramaqueen:
If your mom keeps up her antics, she's not going to be seen as a victim for very long. People *will* start to wonder WTF is wrong with her, why doesn't she just call you, why is she imploding in public and airing her dirty laundry, and if she's so damned concerned about her relationship with you, why the hell isn't she *talking directly TO you?* :snort:
Believe it or not, you've GOT this! :cheer: :cheer:
Moglow said, in another thread, that her T said to picture her mom's head on a toddler's body - and I think that's a GREAT idea. :rofl:
Because that's what you're dealing with - an adult having a full-blown temper tantrum. :roll:
You have kids, so you know how to handle those.
See? Told you, you've GOT this! 8-)
:hug:
Emails and texts from her that my father is going to kill himself because of me and what I am doing to them. He agreed that he made the threat to her, but insisted that he would't do it. I'm not sure how much more he can take. He's got to be depressed and stressed living with her. It's more than a person can take. She plays the victim to everyone, though. No one believes how verbally abusive she is. They never have.
Quote from: Sidney37 on August 12, 2019, 04:40:43 AM
Emails and texts from her that my father is going to kill himself because of me and what I am doing to them. He agreed that he made the threat to her, but insisted that he would't do it. I'm not sure how much more he can take. He's got to be depressed and stressed living with her. It's more than a person can take. She plays the victim to everyone, though. No one believes how verbally abusive she is. They never have.
WOW just Wow - it must be so tough for you.
WI is right though. Righter than a Right thing on the first day of Right in Rightland.
Dad has tried this. Hes had MANY fake hospital visits. I've had MANY "I've had enough I want to end it all" talks off him. Its his ultimate card- all else fails say you're going to harm yourself. Unfortunately, even though they've had a word, no-one in the medical profession listens to me.
What I've found did work with Dad (apart from ignoring as MI said is calling his bluff. I'll say to him "Oh that doesn't sound good, I'll take you to hospital, sounds like you're really struggling with stress and other mental issues. They'll probably ask a psychiatrist to speak to you but they may need keep you in for a short time". Works a treat -backs down then....
Dad thinks there is no such thing as mental illness anyway - "pull yourself together" so any hint that he'd be in line is met with this attitude. And the SHAME if his friends found out..... How would he show his face again in public?
Holy cow, she's really pulling out the big guns! :aaauuugh:
I'd do *nothing* but realize your father is an *adult.* If he's depressed, it's his responsibility to get help, and not your responsibility to be ABUSED, because she's making his life unbearable.
Your dad also has a *mouth.* At any point, he can tell her to STOP, shut her face, be quiet, stop griping, and stop yelling at *him* when she's the cause of all the damned problems. :yes:
But nope, he's wandering around, moping, and your mom is *weaponizing* his feelings, trying to force your hand. >:(
I wouldn't respond, and I'd only take action if your mom texts or emails to say your dad has made an explicit threat of suicide - my response would be to send an ambulance to their house, and otherwise stay OUT of it. :ninja:
Your parents can explain it to the paramedics, and it'll probably be the LAST time suicide is thrown out as an option, because it's *embarrassing* to have to explain to others that the "threat" is really in response to, "Give me what I waaaaaaaant!" :dramaqueen:
Your mom is *not* behaving in a kind, respectful manner, so no call from you is the way to go. She's just pulling tricks out of her bag and throwing them at the wall, to see what sticks.
She's *trying* to force a knee-jerk reaction from you. Don't give her the satisfaction, or she'll take that as a "win" and keep pushing the envelope, trying to get *more* reactions to get you to forget the silly notions of boundaries, kindness, decency or respect.
:hug:
:yeahthat: Everything WI said.
I would add that I would block your mother from all texts and phone calls. I would not allow her an audience here. That is what she wants. She is using your dad's situation to hold you emotionally hostage. Don't play that game. If you remove yourself from the audience, your mother's performance will fall flat because you won't be there to "applaud". So walk off that set and refuse to be a part of the drama.
My two cents is that you need a break from all the drama. You don't have to go permanently NC if that's not what you want. But I would at least consider a TIME-OUT. See what happens if you remove yourself from the equation. Please tread very carefully if your dad contacts you again. He is being used as a pawn in this dangerous game your mother is playing. I agree with WI that he is not powerless here. He is continuing to go along with your mother because it makes his life easier. But I wouldn't give him a free pass. He is contributing to the dysfunction in a big way.
At this point, you being the only one involved who is Out of the FOG, it's up to you to break the cycle of abuse. Please practice self-care!
Thanks all. I'm to the NC point. I'm looking at how to block phone numbers and emails. I'm certain the rage and punishment will get worse and she will lie to everyone that I am doing to her what she is doing to me. That's how she does things. Hopefully she won't drive here or make false police reports against me. I think she's capable of anything at this point. I don't even know where to begin with self care.
Sidney, There's no easy answer for you, and I'm sorry you're at this point. None of us will ever be able to control the actions of others. We can control our responses and protect ourselves from harm in whatever way feels best, and just keep moving forward.
Ya gotta breathe for starters - Four counts in, hold it for four, four counts exhale. It'll help slow the panic and racing thoughts so you can function easier. Don't delete those messages and emails. Hide them away in a folder that's not staring you in the face, but keep them for reinforcement when you need reminding how you got here. I wouldn't share them with others as "justification" but neither would I try to explain my decision - you do what's best for you and your sanity. Being exposed to that day after day is debilitating.
All that said, I will say this - a while back mother was hammering away at me about "the way I treated her" [dafuq??!] and me avoiding her and why don't we have a relationship yada yada. When she reached a high [low] point and was particularly snarling, I forwarded that voicemail right back to her, said THIS is why we don't have that magical relationship you seem to think we should have. What in this is encouraging or in any way welcoming?? This is just ONE message I have saved, and believe me there are others ...
She didn't call back for a while, like weeks later. Actually now I think on it that may have been around the time she really backed off on calling at all - she knew I kept at least some of her messages. Honestly, I'm okay with that - I wasn't ugly, I didn't cuss [i know, surprise!!], pretty much deadpanned my message to her. I was just so tired and beat down and couldn't find the energy anymore. I'm pretty sure hearing her own message played back didn't feel good, but damn. For once it wasn't "that's not what I said/meant!!" it was right there, impossible to ignore or excuse. Of course you were mad, mother, most of your messages are mad. And WHY don't I call or visit? Oh yeah ...
Understand, I didn't and don't intend it as payback. I saw it as answering the same question she'd been [randomly] throwing at me for a while. My only thought was, THIS is who she is and why I don't engage any more than I do! I didn't and don't see the sense in pretending for the sake of "others" and their ideas of what I should do or say - they aren't living in it. I'd been pretending for decades, playing along to get along, and it was just more and more of the same from her. When things didn't go her way, she'd ramp up until it went too far. I'm still not sure if it was intentional on her part or if she really had no clue what she was doing, but she certainly put paid to much of any relationship finally.
You're not alone. We're here with you, holding your hand, handing you tissues when you need them.
[/i]
I think blocking her on as many fronts as you can is a very smart and sane idea. :yes:
I think a good part of self-care is having a *plan* in case she shows up, or starts using the police as a weapon. You won't panic - you'll think, "Okay - I went over this in my head, and this is how to proceed." 8-)
1. If she shows up, do NOT let her in, even if she sees you're in the house. Let her knock and ring until she realizes it's pointless and leaves, and if she won't leave, you can call the police and have her removed.
2. If she shows up when you're outside, *immediately* whip out your phone and start filming her as you hurry for the safety of your house. Once inside, lock the door and call the police.
3. If she calls the police to do a wellness check, tell them you're fine, but ask them *not* to report it to your mother, as she's mentally ill and it will only trigger her to act out, which isn't what anybody wants.
4. If she accuses you of a *crime* - you haven't seen her in months or been to her house. What "crime" could you have possibly committed? :roll:
It's also a very dangerous gambit for her - she can be charged with filing a false police report. The police don't like being *used* and can take action against her.
:hug:
I'm breathing and it feels better to have taken some protective action. I've blocked her on my phone and all emails are forwarded to my husband. If there is an emergency, he can read the emails and make a decision without me. Thank you. It's always amazing to me what we have all been through and how kind strangers can be .
I just read through the thread. Sidney37 I'm only hear to offer encouragement and support! You've been put through the ringer, no doubt about it. :sadno:
Keeping the emails and messages, albeit somewhere you don't have to look at them, can also protect you because it shows the utter dysfunction at work here. It's proof. Proof that no matter what she could accuse you of, no matter what lies she may tell, there are things that she has DEFINITELY said that are provable, traceable, and unsweepable if you get my meaning.
Now after reading this, I feel like your health and well-being are the most important thing at this moment. You need to take care of yourself. Eat healthy, get good sleep, maybe book a spa day because it really helps your mind as well as your body. Do things you enjoy. And give yourself time to process what has happened. Time to work through the details of protecting yourself. It doesn't all have to happen at once. No pressure.
The silver lining here is that this could be her extinction burst. She's pulling out all the stops to see if she can get you to fall back in line. Hopefully the fact that you've continued to maintain your boundaries means things are about to quiet down. But even if that is the case, I'm sorry you're going through this. I know it's not easy.
I think Andeza is right to suggest really taking some time for self-care right now. Be kind to yourself!