Boundaries and the 50% Rule

[Starboard Song]

If we stand there and demand that *others* change, that's not protecting our boundary. That's a tantrum.

My hero Mo just wrote those words in another thread. And it made me think that we should more clearly tie Boundaries to the 50% Rule. The 50% Rule is that -- when not under duress -- we each are responsible for half of what goes on in our relationships. That is: it takes two to tango. If we show up for abuse, if we relent, if we tolerate abuse and appear to expect no better, that's on us.

I think it is important to bring up the 50% Rule because it is such tough medicine, and can be misunderstood. We should never transfer blame and culpability to the innocent, not ever. And the 50% Rule should never be wielded as a cudgel to belittle or mock those of us experiencing current traumas due to some relationship of any sort.

The 50% Rule isn't to blame us: it is to empower us. We retain authority over ourselves. We are empowered and can make strong, hard choices for ourselves. If anyone overlooks the very real duress that applies in life, or tries to make you feel guilty because you now face no good options, they are being mean.

But I come to tell you and remind myself that I am my own person. I will not engage with people who reliably hurt me. I will not continue in any abusive conversation. I will not lower myself to the standards of those with demonstrably low standards.

So back to it: the 50% Rule is tied hand to hand with good and healthy boundaries. Those good and healthy boundaries are things you enforce on yourself, not on others, because you are in charge of YOUR stuff.

Let's go do it.