Two steps forward, one step back

[Penny Lane]

BM has been really off the rails lately (maybe inspired by some new drama in her personal life? Who knows).

I'm trying to remind myself that things are mostly good over here. And they are! The kids are healthy and well-adjusted, and we have a good mix of activities/travel/free time planned for the summer. DH and I have been working on that radical acceptance. My latest thing is that when I start to dwell on a BM-related stress I try to disrupt the fear spiral and distract myself with something else. DH is doing the same and the good news is that we are getting a LOT done around the house.

But this summer has been HARD and it's just beginning. I think BM is trying to pick a fight with DH. She's already told him she's never going to follow right of first refusal all summer (you guys may remember that I JUST POSTED A FEW WEEKS AGO about how she tried to insist that he offer her ROFR in a super hypocritical way). She's threatened to call the police on us, for existing I guess. She's purposely kept the kids up late when she knew they had an early activity with DH the next day and then told the kids that it was DH's fault for "making them get up." (The dropoff/pickup time is arranged around her work schedule). The latest is that she signed the kids up for an activity on H's time, when she knew they were already enrolled in a different activity, and then she told the kids DH wouldn't "let" them go + sent a bunch of pleading emails "why won't you let the kids do this thing?"

The kids have been showing up to our house extremely stressed, tired and unhappy. We can't plan on any consistency - one day we planned to take them to breakfast, but they'd already eaten and it was clear she made a big deal out of how they shouldn't also eat with us (she has done this before). The next time we didn't plan breakfast and they were starving. And it doesn't sound like a huge deal, but the kids are always very stressed if we don't do whatever BM wanted us to do that time (feed them vs not have breakfast ready). But we have no idea which thing it'll be on any given day. Sometimes they've had their medicine, sometimes not, and they don't always remember and BM of course never proactively tells DH one way or another. Sometimes they're dressed for the weather, sometimes they are wearing clothes so inappropriate that they have to change before they can do anything. Like, corduroys and long sleeves in 90 degrees.

It seems that she's so hard to get into a fight with DH that she's making the kids miserable. It kills me to see them like this - they are just constantly SO stressed and SO sad.

The good thing is that I think DH and I are getting better at predicting what they'll be mad about, and deescalating it with facts. Like on the activity "why won't you let us go this activity?" = "you can absolutely sometime! We signed you up for other activity on that day because you said that's what you wanted to do. But we can look at doing that activity in a couple weeks!" After a couple hours the kids were back to normal whereas in the past it would take at least a day. That really is comforting. I think it helps that they're with us slightly more now (because of a court settlement) than they were last summer - they have more opportunities to relax and there are less long stretches for BM to fill their heads with lies. They overall do seem like they're doing better than even last year.

This is mostly a vent. My back is in knots and I'm getting migraines the night before exchanges because we never know how the kids are going to be or what new issue might pop up. I'm trying really hard to be less stressed - the adults being stressed too isn't helping the kids calm down! But again, it's killing me to watch her being so awful to the kids and not be able to stop it.

DH, meanwhile, is redoubling his commitment to not engage with her unless he absolutely has to. He had kind of slipped back into, several emails on a topic trying to work stuff out. It only made things worse. So, one email telling her what he's going to do on any given thing and letting her know the deadline to get back to him with feedback. That's it. I think that's helping though she hates it and some of the escalation is probably in response to it.

If nothing else, we are going to have a VERY clean and VERY organized house at the end of this. If things continue the way they're going now we're going to run out of projects (I wouldn't have even thought that was possible six months ago) and have enough leftover energy to build a whole new house by the time school starts up again.

[Stepping lightly]

Hi PL,

I'm sorry things are so crazy for you guys!  Although, sadly, it's not surprising or unusual since a PD is involved.  We deal with the same issue, "which kid is coming back today? Will it be a happy one or a really pissed off one?".  Honestly, since our custody changed from 50/50 to us having the kids EOW during the school year, it has actually toned that down a bit.  There is just less for BM to latch onto that is relevant.  Not that she doesn't try.  We see over the summer that the kids really do a lot better,  when they are with us for long stretches.  I think it gives them time to be out from under the ever oppressive thumb of BM and breath. 

It is beyond frustrating that there is no consistency for the kids, and nobody ever knows what to expect.  This is so unhealthy for kids, and it's so sad to watch them try to deal with it.  It's horribly stressful to us as adults, but we at least have a lifetime of experiences and coping mechanisms to manage with, the kids are just be emotionally flopped all over the place.  The one thing we can do, and it seems you do, is give them a consistency in reaction.  So, no matter what BM throws at everyone, you guys will catch it...and respond in a way that just takes care of the kids.  That's what they can rely on.  You want them to know, "If Mom isn't going to feed us before we go back to PL's/Dad's, they'll make it ok once we get there, they'll take care of me", or "Mom made we wear this sweater and I'm so hot, but I know PL has a short sleeve t-shirt ready for me when I get there".  There will be a million frustrations on your end in juggling it....but stability/consistency/understanding/calmness are what they will get from you.  These situations suck, but they are really an opportunity for the kids to know you are there for them.  The other thing I've noticed, when I anticipate some of these challenges and plan ahead, the kids are really appreciative.  You can actually see anxiety melt away when you have the immediate solution to their problem/situation. 

Low contact with BM, I think it critical too.  Don't give her the attention for her antics.  Of course she is escalating to try and get that attention, but stick to it and she'll back off eventually.

[Penny Lane]

Thanks, SL, you have such a good attitude and it's always so helpful to hear from you. This was such a good reminder that the best thing we can do is the accumulation of all the little interactions. I always want to DO SOMETHING BIG TO FIX A BIG PROBLEM. But there's no one thing big enough to fix having BM as your mom. It's imparting a feeling of stability every day and teaching them skills to not turn out like her (or marry someone like her).

I think you're right that the kids are relieved to see that we have solutions to their problems. BM presents it as all or nothing, two false choices: "either skip the activity dad signed you up for or never again get to do the activity that I signed you up for." But usually there's a pretty easy solution ie "do both, just on different days." And it's funny - she would never think of that solution, because it is unfathomable to her that she would just agree to do something with the kids that DH originally suggested.

On the interaction, one principle I have that I'd sort of lost sight of is - there's things to do for court (like documenting bad behavior) that are often directly contradictory to what you should do to deescalate (like having as little contact as possible). DH and I are mostly on the same page that we want to do that second one. But sometimes one or both of us gets sucked back in to "I want a judge to see this someday!" And then it's a flurry of stress until we're like, oh yeah we decided DH shouldn't do this stuff because it makes us miserable.

I think what I really need to work on is spinning my wheels in stress before exchange days. Like, there'll probably always be stress, I mean any time there's more than a 0% chance someone is going to call the police on you, it'd be impossible to not worry. But just ruminating on it and letting it ruin my night and morning and some of the next day, even after the kids are calmed down and doing fine ... that's not helpful to anyone. And it's making me sick.

I think one thing that really set me off was that we were talking about the activities that DH did sign them up for, that they are going to. And I started to say "OK so when you go to camp next week..." and DSS's eyes got REALLY big and he said "I don't think mom signed us up for camp next week." I reminded him that DH had signed him up for camp, and they'd talked about it and this had been planned for months. DSS seemed like really alarmed, and that was after I thought things had calmed down. So I'm not sure exactly what he was stressed about or whether we resolved it or not. It seemed like he did because like you said the stress seemed to have melted off of him and he was his normal self the rest of the day. But I couldn't stop thinking about that look of total panic. My best guess is that he felt like he was being stuck in the middle and that he was going to have to ask BM to sign him up for camp, which seemed terrifying to him? How sad is that!

I don't know, when I write it all out this doesn't sound so bad, especially relative to how bad things have gotten in the past. So like I said maybe the solution is to be less stressed and to be better at rolling with whatever crazy thing she throws at DH, without getting too riled up about it.

[moglow]

PL, all that sounds so incredibly sad for the kids, never knowing what will happen where or knowing something is going to set her off and nothing they can do. I see and hear my own mother in your descriptions of their BM and that's not a good thing. It's a hard way to grow up, always feeling you have to tiptoe around a simmering volcano.

My older brother unfortunately married a very similar woman the first time around so I saw it replayed with his children. I wondered many times how they weathered all that with any semblance of sanity, trust and decency. Both now have little to do with their mother, much like us and ours.

I'm glad you and DH are a united front, defusing things for the kids. You may not realize it and they may not say so (yet), but that's HUGE for them. They need that peace to counter the incessant drama, a soft answer easing the fears of asking/saying the "wrong" things.
Thank you - for them.

[Penny Lane]

Thank you so much moglow, your words really mean a lot to me.

[athene1399]

The latest is that she signed the kids up for an activity on H's time, when she knew they were already enrolled in a different activity, and then she told the kids DH wouldn't "let" them go + sent a bunch of pleading emails "why won't you let the kids do this thing?"

I remember when we had to deal with this frequently as well. I would stress out trying to find ways around the chaos she was creating and would attempt to foresee what she would do just so I could be prepared. I am so sorry this is occurring so frequently.

In the end though, I think SL and Moglow are right. You and DH will be the ones the kids start to rely on. BM is coming up with all these "problems" and you two are solving all of them. I've noticed when SD has something important come up, she doesn't involve BM. She asks me or SO to take her/do whatever she needs done that is important. Maybe it's because when BM would come up with problems and the "I don't know why your father is blocking you from doing x, it's all his fault you can't do x" we would come up with a solution. Sometimes it was just "we initially all agreed that you wanted to do y on this day, but I can see you're upset about x so we can make that happen as well." I think how we respond either creates more stress for the kids or lessens the stress. It sound like you are doing everything to lower their stress. Now you just have to find a way to lower yours. It sounds like you are starting to figure this out as well. Maybe just knowing that you guys are de-escalating and defusing every situation BM has been throwing at you will give you the confidence to not stress out. Like you said, there will probably be a problem you guys have to deal with each time the kids come back from BM's. So maybe just knowing that you guys are good thinking on your toes may help. And I also know sometimes this is an "easier said than done" when it comes to stress, so don't forget about self-compassion. This is a crappy situation. You can't respond perfectly all the time or expect to not stress all the time. You're doing your best and that is all that matters.

[Arkhangelsk]

Such good comments, Stepping Lightly.  That is a key strategy, I think.  To just be the place of refuge and quietly and calmly make things as right as you can.

Penny Lane,
I feel like I spend a lot of my life chewing on the fact that we cannot fix the big problems.  My partner always says this - Defusing bombs takes a lot longer than throwing them.  But that is our task.  Every time they walk in the door all out of sorts.

My therapist told me that maybe it would be painful to watch my kids struggle with so many things, but that, also, they were going to build a set of incredible tools that would serve them well in life.  So I try to focus on that.

[Penny Lane]

My partner always says this - Defusing bombs takes a lot longer than throwing them.  But that is our task.  Every time they walk in the door all out of sorts.

Your partner is very wise. It really does feel like defusing a bomb, except in their soul rather than strapped to their chest.

[Arkhangelsk]

He is a great blessing to me.  People like you and him - you are heros.  Hands down.

You did not have to sign up to defuse bombs.  But you are there, everyday, loving your kids and doing it.  Thank you.

[Penny Lane]

Thank you, Arkhangelsk, that is so kind.