Very surprised about my reaction to my ex's new supply

[PlantFlowersNotWeeds]

In the moment I don't think I am, but I am judging his father - in little ways, but yes, and my son sees that I judge his father.   

I need to adjust this - I agree, Hhaw - I think if I can judge less it will allow my son to make his own judgements - right now, I am making him defend his dad.

I'll just judge him in my own mind!!!

Thanx

[PlantFlowersNotWeeds]

I think I was so naive thinking that once the divorce was behind me things would start to feel better.
I'm in a bad place right now, so I'm looking through it all in a lens of despair.
I know my actions and words have hurt my son and made him feel stressed - unfortunately, my son has a low tolerance, so my room for errors as a mom is not very forgiving
The approaching holidays are difficult for me - I have a very small family, so no holiday functions.  I just planned for my son and I to go south from the 25th -29th to go golfing.  I thought he could have xmas eve with his dad (that is his dad's favorite time) and then we could go away.
Nope - apparently, I just found out he had plans with our son and his new fake family on xmas day.  We've been text fighting - I shouldn't have engaged. And my son won't acknowledge any of this - he blames me and expects me to just let it all go.  I'm supposed to give up my vacation with him to make it all easy for everyone. 

But.....this was just after finding out that my ex  is selling my family's cabin that he got in the divorce.  I figured he would, but not this fast.... I just am not ready to see the cabin belong to someone else right.  THIS REALLY SUCKS!!!!

So, both issues within minutes of eachother.  A big blow.  And, my son's reactions I just can't take anymore.  My son told me to stop putting him in the middle - I pointed out that both his parents did that and that he is 18 and should have told me that he knew about the xmas day plans with his dad.

I got SO MAD at my son.  He is so in the fog and I hate him for that.  Yeah, I said it.  I can't stand it.  I have patience 98% of the time, and then I loose it and that 2% is ruining our relationship.  I get it intellectually, but emotionally - it's a struggle.  He was there when his father verbally abused me - but he hates me?   I told my son that he should me made at his dad - he's selling the cabin that he was going to give to him.  I know I crossed the line, and now I can't take it back.  I yelled a bit and cried.  Acted all "crazy".  which doesn't help either.  I look like the freak and his dad looks all calm and collected.
 
This is unrealistic and unfair, but I want my son Out of the FOG and to tell me that he gets it, and that his dad is a real jerk.

Now, my ex will have more cash from the sale of the cabin to keep his charade going even longer with his new supply/family.  Which bothers me too.  I need to let go - it's so hard.....

I was really looking forward to this vacation - to be away for xmas - have fun with my son playing golf.  Now, either I go alone and be alone - which is okay, but gets old.  or stay home and be alone and depressed.  I guess I'll just go alone  

I just feel like it I cant' get myself together and stop looking like a freak, my son will not tolerate me anymore.  I kinda don't blame him.....

UGHHHHHHH

[SonofThunder]

PlantFlowers,

Im so very sorry this is difficult.  I have adult children who feel "put in the middle", of a divorce, although I know that my emotional stbx is contributing to that feeling they share.  Like you, i also attempt to live a normal life in the middle of chaos, but i am reminded that chaos is the status quo that my stbx needs to play the drama triangle 🔺 victim. 

I remind myself that time will have its own way of revealing truth and therefore i have decided that I will simply lead my normal life, and have an open invitation to my adult children, at all times, if they choose to participate. 

Trying to convince my children otherwise, when my stbx's drama is so draining, is like fighting an ocean rip-current.  The more I struggle against it, the more exhausted I become.  Therefore,  I am learning to allow the situational rip current to take me out to see by my myself, and then calmly swim out of it sideways, once the current's undertow has dissipated.

Yes, I am swimming alone, but not nearly as exhausted.  Time will have its way of causing the rip currents to come and go, and move to different areas along the shore.  Eventually, i believe my stbx's drama will become the norm for my adult kids and they will tire of it themselves, without me being a part.  Therefore they will potentially realize there is no "middle", because im not playing my role in my stbx's drama play.

I will have to allow them to adult themselves out of their own rip currents. When they do, they may find themselves allowing the dramatic current to take them out to sea as well, swimming sideways at the proper time, but with calm energy intact.   I will be out there patiently waiting and they may realize at that time, that I have been out there all along with open arms and a warm welcome. 

SoT

[hhaw]

PFNW:

I hope you can find a way to express your feelings and not put your son in the middle. Speaking your truth can be done without judging your son's father or requiring your son choose sides or fight your battle.

Your son didn't marry a PD and make a child with him. You did and you're living with the consequences....you're paying the price, as you have for 20 years.  It's steep and there's little justice in it.  You' ve been SO strong for so long.  I'm afraid you're going to have to continue being strong, but on another level..... changing levels is like adjusting to pressure under the sea, IME.  We adjust to it, always and it's mostly uncomfortable adjusting....... even when it's about mostly good changes. Holidays without the PD vs holidays with your son on a particular day. Embrace the PD free holiday and not what you perceive is a loss..... it's acutally going to be better..... but there will be an adjustment period. 

You have more choice than you think....... in that...... it's difficult to see when the PD keeps taking things away when you thought it would end at the divorce.  You're expectations need a tweak.  Releasing outcome, accepting what can'tbe changed..... so very important, IME. 



Feeling joy around new rituals and old traditions is what Christmas should be about..... or how I think about it since my ex SIL basically controls our holiday schedule for years now.  When we want her to make plans,we benefit from making plans so she can relish snatching them away.  We can finally go ahead and make real plans.  I was raised in a broken home, so sharing holidays is pretty normal AND my sibs and kids now laugh about SIL's obvious imperative to TAKE our dates and thwart our plans....which isn't a big deal anymore,bc we've accepted it and it's become a funny game till our children have SO's and stop allowing her to play it. 

We still make the same holiday foods of the now grown children's childhoods.  We still play hide and go seek in the dark with them. We still have magnificent bonfires and coco and pork with sour kraut on New Year's, bc SIL can't resist planning big expensive trips she isn't willing to give up..... and I struggled and suffered for a while, I did. 

It wasn't fair.... it was a slap in the face, over and over, but in the end...... the exact days we celebrate don't really matter as long as we get to celebrate together, truthfully.....making the best of what we have means we get the same good feels and happy cookie making and decorating joy that carries through the years, from childhoods into adulthoods...... some kids care more than others,but we provide it and the kids have started leading now.  They ALL decorate cookies, even if my brother's children sometimes carry their mother's attitude into it FOR SIL....... we have it and we ignore and give passes and I'll tell you...the last vacation my niece and nephew have grown SO much.  Hardly heard their mother come out of their mouths AT ALL.   We make the best of it.  We realize we lose something precious when we give the SILs' disordered behavior more thought than necessary to get on with the holiday at hand,and sometimes my niece and nephew choose my brother.  And my niece has serious issues.....serious FLEAS, shall we say.  Difficult to ignore, but we show her how to choose something other than chaos and war when we extend compassion and reflect care back to her demons.  The demons are shrinking and that loving baby soul is shining through more and more, PF. 

REcently my niece moved in with my brother and nephew, which is HUGE.  Niece did this bc my brother holds non judgmental space and empathizes with niece after her mother is unfair and toxic. SIL has been a very immature parent, always. My brother wasn't perfect, but he was a good enough parent and listens to his children now...... doesn't force them to choose...... something he never COULD do, btw.  We all make choices every single moment.  You can choose something different going forward and you get to be human while doing it.  Don't beat yourself up.

I think you can have your feelings, and should.  After that, you figure out how to share them with your ds in a non judgmental space..... and you allow him to have his feelings and thoughts, same as you have yours.....wtihout judgment. You can ask him why he feels A,B or C,. but you should drop expectations and learn how to accept whatever you can't change.  You might be surprised at what your son has to say.  Maybe not,but it's good to be a safe caring space for his honesty, IME.

There's no peace or joy when we NeeeeeeeeeD things to be different thn they are, IME..... surefire recipe for suffering, that is.

Sometimes acceptance is what shifts things so we have more choice and the ability to respond and be responsive,rather than reactive,  IME.

Your son needs you to be responsive.  He needs you to be the sane, safe, consistent harbor you've always been and it's not fair to ask him to choose sides, IME.  You know that.  Still..... the injustice flares and raises it's head.  I understand.

As difficult as it it so stay neutral..... it will work for you down the road, IME.

Be you.  Let your ds be himself and have his feelings.  You KNOW his father won't.

Make joyful holiday plans your son remembers and enjoys deeply with you...... no matter what days you get... don't throw them or the chance for joy away.

You can explain your recent upset, without judgment, and how you plan to avoid doing that going forward.  You can show your son how to take responsibility, be the adult and take the higher road........ without judging the father, but expressing WHY you feel as you do. 

Give your son space to SEE what his father is,without making ds feel defensive of his father..... ds will see much sooner if you remove yourself from the view.

And breathe, PF.

There are safe places to have your difficult feelings and you're entitled to them.  You SHOULD have them, but with your son isn't going to get you anything you want, IME.

Get more of what you want, but first get clear on what that is. 

Accept what you can't change. 

Do what you can do.

You're free of the PD IN YOUR SPACE.  Cultivate lovely things in that openess and show your son how to live healthy and PD free. 

Shift your POV...... you're not alone when you're not with your son.  You have yourself and that's enough.... whole and enough. 

Set other dates to celebrate and embrace them fully.

Is there anything you'd like to do with your son this holiday?  Golfing,but anything else you usually don't do together?  Maybe find a new ritual that's JUST YOURS, with DS. 

You decide how you get through Christmas Eve and Christmas Day..... fuming and deflated and on fire OR......
taking a spa holiday somewhere you adore.  Learning more about a new passion.... FINDING a new passion for yourself so your son sees how to grow through chaos and cultivate serenity.   Volunteering somewhere you care about.  Making new Christmas decorations for the hearth and tree you KNOW your son will be happy to see? 

There's something you can find and do and feel that's NOT feeling despair and overwhelmed and defeated, PF.  What does PF really care about?  That's not dependent on someone else?  What is PD's, alone, to cherish and cultivate for PF's sake alone?

It's a choice to embrace what one cannot change and do what one can.

When I'm despairing, it's almost always about what I'm resisting..... what I refuse to accept that I cannot change.

Once I accept it, choice opens like an entire world I was denying myself,but could restore with a shift in perspective.

You deserve choice.  You deserve joy. So does your son. 

Your ex is sewing the seeds he'll eventually harvest for himself. Blech,but not yours to worry about.  Not your circus,not your clowns, PF.

That's happening, just as the cabin is sold..... gone.  Unfair but happening. 

It's a waste to worry and feel done wrong by the PD's current improved situation.

  Justice isn't something we cultivate and force....... it's something we allow in it's own time, without regret or worry, to happen, IME.

Releasing outcome, being ever so kind to yourself, getting curious about why you feel as you do.... allowing all the difficult feelings to wash through you...... explore them and what's behind them..... is a worthy endeavor, IME.  You deserve to have those feelings and understand where the causes and conditions they sprang from.   What comes after the anger is what's particuarly interesting to me, IME.  The anger is a messenger..... time to turn towards the cause and explore it, like a new novel.

YOU deserve to be tended to...... there's space for that in your life.

Honestly....
It's a moral imperative.....
tending to yourself.

Showing your son how to cultivate new skills, coping strategies and joy while putting down negative things you can't change.

It's OK to have emotional outbursts.... bc....human.

It's better to explain it and find better ways to cope, IME.

Your relationship with your son isn't ruined. It's growing and growth is always painful, IME.

How amazing is it to overcome and find new homeostasis, PF?

Your new way of being CAN be so much better than it's been with your ex. 

I invite you to turn towards that, bc that's where your joy can be found.

Allowing the ex to rob you of ANYTHING else in your life is too unfair, IME.  You can control what he takes from you going foward, IME. 

A particular day is just a day. Create the holiday you want to have with your son and make the most of it.

My family has made a game of it....and we laugh about it now.  Maybe you'll see the humor in it soon too.  I hope you do. 

I repeat things, bc sometimes I can't hear or see or understand something when I'm upset....and you're upset, so I state and restate. 

The PDs take from us and steal what they can.....
and it's our job to interpret it.....
to allow it to make us feel good or bad or indifferent.  WE decide how we respond  to the PD crazy.  We can take back our power and do something amazign with it, stay stuck or some combination is how I usually experience it, but always moving forward.  Always understanding I want to take back my power and rise above the intented PD harm to my peace.  Overcome.  Persevere.  Mine the joy always available to me.

Or not.

You have that control, PF.  You just haven't remembered it yet,but you will.

You're so smart and such a good parent. 

You will.

[Whoops]

    This discussion rings a lot of bells for me.  This Thanksgiving is our first holiday post separation and then Christmas is coming along.  At my children's request-- they said it would be easier for them-- I agreed that my stbx would have Thanksgiving Day with them, which was to be at his niece's home.  Now their gathering got switched to my son's home so that is going to sting extra hard. And they will be with me and their two grandmas (my 2 moms) the weekend before.  But that wasn't good enough for stbx. He made a fuss with the adult child he is closest to that if they came to my house, they had to visit at his house which is in the same town. Well, he has his cheater thingy living with him there and that child got upset, about being pressed to go there, so now we can't have a Thanksgiving celebration at my house at all so he won't have to deal with stbx's pressure on going to his house! We will gather the weekend before  at my mom's instead, which is in a rather distant town. I am trying to focus on how that is happy for my mom as stbx would never agree to have any holidays at her house, but it requires some serious silver lining work. I am worried about the future and how the pattern is being laid down of the kids catering to him. For now, I am flying out of state for the actual Thanksgiving day to be with friends, a trip I can't totally afford but ....mental health first.
    It does feel like such a mess. Of course the pattern of the family catering to and soothing the narcissist will persist.  Even when he is the one who blew the family up with infidelity.  And of course as the parent who cares how our kids feel, I will end up not pressing it.
   Also, I have sometimes (often at first but less now)  lost it in not dragging  our adult kids through the suffering and anger and pressure stbx is putting on me. It is so hard for me to consistently respect my kids' boundaries on him.  I don't have complete self control on that, and my child who he is closest to, I call a bit less as I know that child is most affected if I say anything that sounds negative related to his dad.
   I guess all we can do is keep trying and acknowledge to our kids when we blow it. Such hard stuff.
     
   

[PlantFlowersNotWeeds]

I'm feeling the same you are with the holidays and with all my exPD shenanigans it's gotten ridiculous.

This is also my first round of holidays post divorce.  I have a very small family so I am letting go and enjoying the holiday time I have.  I am going to create some new traditions....maybe?  I also wish I could go away as you are; I don't have friends this year to travel with, so maybe next.  I'm not emotionally there yet to travel alone during a holiday, but again, next year I will if no friends can join.  I did make some fun plans the Saturday after Thanksgiving and I will do the same between xmas and new year's eve.

I'm trying to reframe my thinking - I was originally thinking this :  OMG, he gets his way all the time and my son doesn't see it, I have to change my plans for him because he's making it a game of who's going to win, he's so angry and mean and putting our son in the middle, this is so not fair.....etc....  Now, I'm reframing to - my son needs some peace and if  I let this go (which I can), he will feel better, I can change my plans and have the same type of holiday celebration, I can still have family time and enjoy it the best way I can.  Next year, I can plan a trip if I want to. 

I'm adjusting my plans, but to be clear, it will not reduce my time with my son.  If that was the case, I would have approached it much differently.

[Lookin 2 B Free]

Plant Flowers, 

It sounds like you are really coming to terms with a very painful situation.  I hope you have some self-appreciation for all the hard emotional work you are doing right now to benefit everyone involved.  You are fortunate.  PwPD's don't have the bandwidth to do that.

I may have missed it reading this thread, but getting outside support, from a T or 12 Step or other support group, can make such a difference.  Like sharing here, it is a place to nurture and heal yourself for a time with a focus just on you.  You deserve all the individual support you can get.  This stuff is really tough to go through.

When I was in a similar situation, I tried to take comfort in something I've heard from counselors, etc.  Kids will do backflips to stay in the good graces of the parent who is the least safe, the least reliable, the most likely to abuse or abandon.    Meanwhile we get the brunt of the anger and being taken for granted ... at least for a while.  That your son would feel so open to telling you what you are doing that bothers him and what he wants from you says to me he trusts you.  You are not the one he has to walk on eggshells for.

Keep the faith, Flowers.  We are here for you.       Hugs,  Free   

[hhaw]

Yes and hear hear, PF!!!

Once you realize your perception of the situation is creating the suffering.....
Once you stop allowing the mean and punitive ex to "win" anything....bc you refuse to play.....
You win!!!

You create your own holiday traditions with son while modeling how to cope, strategize and be the bigger person, feathers unruffled by the tedious, small, very mean demands and disordered behavior of a PD dad who loves conditionally.

You can't control the PD, but you can be grateful your world has more choice and hope and graciousness.

The PD will always select the lowest common denominator and ds knows this.

Knowing you've found a way to restore joy and newfound homeostasis in your life is good for your son and has the added benefit of depriving the PD, bc you still get what's important to you.

It's not the exact day you see your son.

It's the celebration and discovering new things to enjoy PD free with ds.

Attuning to ds is the goal.  Being present.  Sharing new rituals, yes!!!

I have every confidence you'll choose positive things to focus on and build for yourself, PF.

Lord knows you've earned it.