PLEASE Tell me it’s ok

[D.Dan]

I read on this forum in another thread somewhere, that a marriage counsellor's goal is to save/work on the relationship. That usually, they assume both parties are wanting to save it. So everything they try leads towards that goal. They don't work on divorce.

If you've already decided you need to leave due to the abusive nature of your husband (or even just considering it), then a marriage counsellor is unlikely to help you.

This MIGHT explain the mixed messages you're receiving from your counsellor. (I'm only guessing, you know your situation best)

I would completely recommend you getting your own counsellor whose goal would be to help YOU, not save the relationship. I'd also recommend journaling, it helps to keep your feet and head stable and in reality.

BTW when my upd ex tried to tell me I was breaking our weddings vows by wanting a divorce, I told him that he already broke our vows. How? By expecting me and the children to constantly prove our love to him by allowing him to hurt us over and over again. He told me that I was hurting him by NOT allowing him to physically beat the kids or sexually and verbally abuse me whenever he felt like it.

He seemed to equate marriage to slavery. That he was our Master and could treat us however he wanted. That our weddings vows gave him this right. But abuse is still abuse, and it is destructive to all involved.

It is even abusive for children to witness arguments amongst others let alone their parents, so NO your husband does not even have that.

To me, it also seems like your husband long since broke your marriage vows with you.

You deserve better. 

[Boat Babe]

Hi there. What a horrible situation you are in and we all understand. I agree completely with what the other people have said. 
It is so difficult to see clearly when we are in the fog but one way of helping yourself is to imagine your sister or best girlfriend in your situation. She asks you for advice.  What do you tell her?

There's your answer honey.

Another thing, concerning the children. A dear friend of mine endured 17 years with a very abusive man who, imo, had a raging PD and her eldest son is now abusive towards her. It's an absolute nightmare for her and she wishes she had got out earlier before the damage was done.

I wish you all the best xxx

[Igloo7]

D.Dan- Thank you for the perspective on the marriage counselor. I hadn't thought of it that way and it does make sense. I'm sorry you experienced the same type of negativity about wedding vows. Thank you for sharing that. It really helped me to feel like I'm not alone.

Boat Babe- The thing that scares me most is the thought that my children would find his behavior acceptable and carry that forward in their own adult relationships. I will do anything to avoid that.

Thank you to everyone for the support and thoughtful advice. It has really been invaluable to keeping my head about water. The sort of last straw for me happened last week. During a counseling session, my husband lost his composure after I brought up my concerns over his recent financial choices. He accused me of being unfaithful, said he had been checking on my cellphone usage, questioned our children, and then said I wasn't confident enough to even be a good liar about it all.  Of course there was nothing to find on the wireless account, so he demanded to have access to my social media. He lobbed insults at my parents, who have done nothing but love and support us. He asked the counselor if he should have me committed for my depression. Many other insults along the way.
It was disastrous and cut me to the bone. BUT, he did it in front of a 3rd party this time. I have a witness. And he managed to sever the last bit of doubt that was holding me in this marriage.
I'm focused now on the best way to navigate divorce and moving forward.