Calling It What It Is

[BeautifulCrazy]

Hi.
Hello everyone...
My name is BC
and I am married to a man with an undiagnosed PD.
It is awful.
It is also abusive.
I often feel confused.
I often feel despair.
I sometimes feel angry.
Or hurt.
Sometimes I feel really really depressed.
I feel like I am losing my sanity.
I think I am the one with the PD sometimes. 
I love him.
I hate him so much.
I want him to be nice again.
I want out.

There it is.
In black and white.
Typed out.
Unretractable.

I don't know what the specific disorder is. When I get curious enough to try to read about them I get foggy and agitated and overwhelmed and can't focus! Reading what bits I have managed to about PDs, plus creeping this forum the past 7 - 8 months, I can say with certainty he has many behaviours that are very PD, some that are PD-ish and a bunch of behaviours that are undeniably abusive. (Although until now, I have managed to deny to myself that that is what it is)
My h and I met 4 years ago, dated for a year and got married (second time for both of us, we both have children from previous marriages, though his are mostly grown) We have been married 3 years now. We have always had problems but we told ourselves communication was the issue. I'm sure that's part of it but things are obviously much bigger as you will see. We separated less than a year after we married. My mental health was deteriorating, my c-PTSD had become nearly incapacitating. I had seen huge progress in three years of therapy and was suddenly, inexplicably backsliding. I knew it was related to our relationship struggles but I thought it was me. I thought I was dysfunctional. Crazy. Possibly toxic. I needed to find a safe and calm space for myself and my two kids while I worked on my issues. I did not want to put my children through a second dysfunctional adult situation. When I told him my plans to leave, he lost it. (Although he was the one who kept breaking up with me when we disagreed! Saying I should leave every time he felt challenged! Indicating the door every time I had a concern or complaint!) It was ugly. It was very scary, but never physical. Just ugly. And dark.
It took a couple of weeks of strange placating on my part, but I calmed him down, made some assurances our relationship wasn't over, (clearly I just needed to fix the horrible issues I was having so I could stop behaving so horribly toward him!), then quietly packed one day when he went to work and moved my kids and I to an undisclosed location across town. (At the time I thought it was my PTSD that made me do that. Now I think it was a solid self-preservation instinct.)
We remained separated for about 18 months, almost a year of which I went NC. We just moved back in together about 6 months ago.
....Yeah.... I know...

My first clue to his PD...

At his insistence, we sought co-therapy right away after I left him and moved out. It was difficult for both of us, but probably especially for the psychologist lol.
We had an initial set of 8 sessions intended to explore the relationship, our expectations for it, and devise a plan and some goals.
It was a disaster.
Every session was H aggressively trying to get the Dr. to agree with him that I was the problem, finding problems with me, discussing my many character flaws and arguing how anything he may have done that was harmful to the relationship was actually my fault!
One session came to an early end when H became verbally abusive toward the Dr. 
At the 8th session our Dr. pointed out that since H was unwilling to accept any responsibility for his part in the relationship, he didn't feel there was anything to be achieved by continuing.
H lost it. He became verbally abusive and scary. It was so bad we nearly had to call the police.(Not sure why he got so set off. He was absolutely opposed to continuing anyway and thought Dr was useless and it was a waste of time etc. I guess he wanted it to end on his terms, not have the Dr. call it quits?)
That day was the first time in my life I heard the term PD... well, actually, Disordered Personality. The Dr. said it wasn't appropriate for him to try to diagnose based on our brief time together, but that in his opinion H definitely showed concrete signs of having a disordered personality. He apologised and said in his experience, disordered individuals  rarely had success in any kind of therapy since part of being disordered was an inability to recognize that they had any problem or need to change. I went home after this therapy session and went total NC for most of a year. Which was easy since I had already moved out months before and refused to tell him where I now lived. (Ha ha ha He sure hated that I wouldn't let him pick me up and met him at those appointments!!)
I was sure I was never going back.
I continued my own therapy.
I was assured that I was not crazy. I worked on my c-PTSD.
I worked on my shortcomings in communication.
I took art therapy.
I worked on mindfulness.
After nearly a year of pretty quiet and peaceful but financially difficult no-contact, H showed up at my house which he had managed to locate "purely by accident".
He had vegetables from his garden, gifts for the kids and lovely plans for our shared future. He wooed and pursued me very intensely for half a year and displayed some pretty huge behaviour and lifestyle changes (miraculous even!) that he had made during our time with no contact.
It was almost everything I had wanted before we separated! and we moved back in together this past summer.
A week later, all those changes were gone. I was surprised and confused.
My decision to move back in was affected not only by the changes I saw in my H at the time, but by the economic reality of being a working single parent with a low-average income in a relatively expensive geographic area. Very hard!!
Right now economics is the only thing keeping me here.
Okay, maybe some guilt too.
And likely some stubborn hope.
And the addictive nature of those rare moments of nice!
I am working on disentangling our finances in a more permanent way, which I didn't do last time I left. I'm also seeking more and/or better employment so I can afford to save up for rent and get out.
I have to do better for myself and my kids.
I know I can.
I have done it before with him. And once, in much worse circumstances with my first husband.
Still, I'm finding it hard.... emotionally... spiritually... physically even, just keeping things up in the meantime. Living on eggshells and cheerfully maintaining mc and the status quo while being undermined on
every.
little.
thing.
is exhausting. I am living with c-PTSD symptoms that definitely are worsening (again) the longer I live in the same house with my H. (my first marriage was to a man who was horrifically abusive in every possible way, hence the c-PTSD but that's a whole other story for another time)
I don't have a history of family dysfunction or PDs in my immediate family. I have beautiful relationships with my surviving FOO members and friends. (despite PDh's best efforts) I grew up in an imperfect and unusual family but everyone loved and supported each other and worked hard at communicating effectively.
We still do.
It was part of our family values that we all did our best for each other and for ourselves. My family are always and unfailingly humble, kind and hardworking. Not the kind of folk who get ahead at anyone else's expense or have an excuse not to "do the right thing" even if it costs them personally.
I think that may be one of the reasons I was such an easy target for my first husband. I had never encountered anyone who didn't basically have pure and good motives before. Not that I was sheltered, quite the opposite! But I still managed to be quite naive (and probably just plain lucky) up to that point. Even years into my first marriage, I still could not believe that people so ugly and twisted and cruel could exist, except for maybe in some very scary movies!! I still haven't told anyone except one really great therapist the things I endured in that marriage. I think most people would struggle to believe that someone could even think of, much less actually do, things that he did. I lived it and I can hardly comprehend it!!
There is also the knowledge of what I would do if I discovered anyone did those things to someone I loved.
Anyone who has children will know what I mean....
Could I burden my elderly mum with that? No way!! People knew he was abusive. Apparently, it was pretty obvious. Then I left, and it was even more obvious. Thankfully, except for some rare and unpleasant interactions about our mutual children he is not a part of my life.

Anyway, I believe my first marriage set the stage for this current one. They are only minimally comparable but husband#1 definitely set a high standard for what I was able to tolerate.
And since this is the topic here, I will add that I found out by accident over the holidays that my first husband was diagnosed as having Antisocial Personality Disorder and very strong likelihood for two other PDs during a very secret holiday at an adult mental health ward last summer. (I didn't get any more information than that. I'm sure the parties I overheard talking were Not Supposed To Be discussing those things. Also they didn't know I had any connection to who they were conversing about... his mother!)
It doesn't affect anything real world to know that about him, especially now, but it is sort of interesting. I always just thought of him as a truly sick and evil person.
Also before I knew about PDs I thought my current husband was a weak communicator, without much learned skills for dealing with negative emotions. And maybe a jerk too.
I thought that he would improve with the rest of our family as we grow in experiences, and learn new skills, and just try to do better and healthier at everything in life.
Ha ha!
I'm really starting to come out of that fog!!

~BC

P.S.
Besides introducing myself to everyone, I also want to express how I'm so soo soooo grateful for this forum!
The knowing beyond doubt that I am not alone in these circumstances is such a big thing when I am having a rough day!
Also, for the pleasure of reading posts that are so poignantly or beautifully written...
and the humor with which some of you lovely folks can approach really wrenching situations...
and the compassion and gentleness and understanding that you respond to one another with...
I feel so much awe and I thank you!!
Yay!!

[Starboard Song]

I am working on disentangling our finances in a more permanent way, which I didn't do last time I left. I'm also seeking more and/or better employment so I can afford to save up for rent and get out.

I have to do better for myself and my kids. I know I can.

Welcome! I am so sorry for what you are going through. You are not describing a path of comprehensive weakness. You have done so much right. You are still doing so much right. Even accepting someone back is not foolish, in the circumstances you describe. So please be ever so kind to yourself. You deserve your own support.

I am glad you've worked on Mindfulness, but please don't stop. When you finish dinner, that dinner is over. But haven't stopped eating. Like the need for sustenance, the need for mindfulness is forever.

Welcome, and thank you for sharing. For you and for the kids: you can do this.

[treesgrowslowly]

I like the title you chose very much. Calling it what it is. Personality disordered people work at creating fog so calling it what it is, is a really important part of getting Out of the FOG.

Each one of us who has PD relationship experience has a lot in common with each other but we also have a unique experience as well. The way we create and build up our boundaries is often unique to the situation we are in. I hope this forum helps you as you find you way with the next steps.

Some of my boundaries came quickly but many of the boundaries I now have for myself, have taken time to build. It was "one step forward 2 steps back" and those of us here know what feels like to be MC and NC.

Welcome.

Trees

[FogDawg]

Each one of us who has PD relationship experience has a lot in common with each other but we also have a unique experience as well. The way we create and build up our boundaries is often unique to the situation we are in.

Very true. It makes it easier to understand, at least to an extent, due to the similarities, though.

I was once involved with a person who had BPD. As much as I cared, I could not be enough for them and it had to end, for both of our sakes. The relationship was incredibly rocky. Some days they would be loving, then they would pick fights on others; when I refused, they kept pushing until they got a response, then they would act hurt and avoid me for days, if not weeks, at a time. They completely refused to be held accountable for any of their actions and found ways to blame me instead, which seems to be a hallmark for those with the condition. Please do not blame yourself, as you can only do some much and the actual work to get better is dependent upon them. I really do not have any helpful advice, just words of support to let you know that you are not alone. Best of luck to you, BC.