First separated birthday not far away

[Crushed_Dad]

Early March is the first birthday event for the kids since I separated from my wife. It's a relief that I'll be able to arrange a day with my kids where every movement hasn't been pre-planned to fit what my ex wanted.

The issue is that I'm now so far away and have always had to work, so been Don't have much of a relationship with their local network. My children are however very close to their cousins who live locally to me.

I was curious to find out if anyone has had some real successes with birthdays In this scenario and what kind of things worked?

[BeautifulCrazy]

I found Birthdays messy and stress filled when I first left but still had a lot of contact with my ex. We had moved and, like you, we didn't yet have a community or even established school friend circles I could call upon to make a traditional "party". Our first celebrations were sad affairs where I was so depressed and exhausted I couldn't even muster enough energy to decorate the house. On 'my weekend' I set up a treasure hunt of clues to the one gift I could afford, brought my mum over, and we ate homemade cake and layered smoothies for supper. A couple years later when I had a better job and waaay less contact with the ex, we did the traditional birthdays with friends, gifts, pizza and cake.
Guess what? Both kids said afterward that their birthday was great, but the best birthday they ever had was the one with the cool treasure hunt and when we ate chocolate cake for dinner!! Go figure. Those times were the worst in my mind, but to the kids it was unique and special and fantastic. That's our family birthday tradition now. Cake for dinner and a treasure hunt to find the gifts. It has evolved. The treasure hunts are more elaborate, everyone has a favourite cake, we decorate, we do more standard birthday things and have kid 'parties'. But the best part is still our own thing.
My feedback with 7 years under my belt....
-You kids don't care as much as you think they do. Not about the party. Not about the gift. Not about what day you celebrate on.
-As long as it's about them (and you) and is full of love, they will appreciate it. 
-Do something that they enjoy but do it together. This year my oldest (13) loved going out on a lunch date for sushi and talking like grownups, then going shopping for a new pair of court shoes. My youngest (10) liked making his cake with me and shopping for a gerbil. (That was 2 things, three days apart!)
A quick poll on Favorite Birthdays just now while we wind down for bed reveals:
That time we stayed at a hotel just us three and swam and went in the hot tub and had too much doritos watching sports on the tv!!
The treasure hunt when we had to hurry up to make extra clues to keep DS1 busy while we snuck the bmx from the car into the barn!! (Ha ha victory!! That was the very first post-split birthday when I felt like the worst, most half assed mom ever! It's still top 3 with the kids.)
The time we painted the whole front window Happy Birthday, with real paint, before DS2 got home from school and we got to go crazy with noisemakers.
The time we went and played basketball at the park after dinner and then walked for ice cream and nobody could finish it and DS2 threw up blue ice cream on the sidewalk.
Making the castle cake then we went fishing and thought we caught a pelican! (That was on the day of someone's birthday but it was not part of an actual birthday celebration.)
That's the top 5. I'm noticing there isn't a single mention of parties or fab gifts, even though DS1 got the paintballing party he always wanted this year and DS2 got an over-the-top gift of a television and game system last year. Two of them aren't even memories from their own birthdays, but someone else's and the one with the ice cream was a birthday fail turned treasured family story. You never know what will make a joyful memory. Keep it personal and be creative. You don't have to have a lot of money or time. My niece spent her 11th birthday with us a couple years ago when my sister was in hospital. We were all spending every possible moment at the hospital and my niece hated her crummy January birthday. We made her a surprise party one evening by stringing christmas lights in the kids snow fort and making unicorn hot chocolate. We sat on couches we made out of blankets and gave her little gifts we had picked up from the hospital gift shop. I know it must have been at least a little bit cool or special because she has pictures from that night still tacked up on her bulletin board in her room. 
Don't stress about making a party. Just love them up extra special however you can.

[Crushed_Dad]

That's an absolutely amazing response. Thank you!!

[pushit]

Awesome reply by BeautifulCrazy.  It is truly about making memories, not about big gifts or expensive parties.  Funny side story - I wanted to start camping more with the kids last summer, on our first trip there were thunderstorms all day and two tornadoes within 5 miles of our campground, so we went into town and went bowling.  Sucky camping trip, right?  After the storms we got back to camp and the wind was insane, so my oldest daughter and I did our best to pack up camp while everything was blowing away so we could go home a day early.  (I was really proud of her, I told all 3 kids to stay in the car but she was determined to help me, I hadn't seen that before from her)  To top it off, my son (who was almost potty trained at the time) squatted under the picnic table and left a huge poo on the ground that we had to clean up.  Complete insanity at the time but I wouldn't trade the experience for anything, we now call it "the picnic table poop camping trip".   

Regarding the birthday party situation:  if they're close with their cousins, embrace that and make some memories.  I have the same situation.  My sister's kids are close with my kids and my sister is awesome at coming up with ideas for them to hang out.  Baking Christmas cookies, playing in their pool, etc.  It doesn't have to be anything expensive, just create some unique and silly things to do.  Also, I know that my doing this kind of thing has helped squash the parental alienation that my exPDw has been trying, if they have fun with my family then it makes it harder to turn them against me.

[BeautifulCrazy]

OMG Pushit, that's not a sucky camping trip, that. is. EPIC!!
My kids and I have a thing we say when things go sideways and one (or all) of us is losing it. "Someday, this is going to be a great story!"  It's an instant dose of perspective.

I know how awful it is Crushed! Reading your posts I vividly remember going through those times!!
Keep yourself together and fake it 'til you make it.

Resist the urge to overschedule the kid time you have and fill it with awesome activities... with all your other stresses, it makes hard to keep yourself together if you are rushed. Slow down, you will be able to relax and enjoy them better and give them all the attention they need and deserve.

For me this concept was hard but worth it: Let go of any urge to compete or upstage the ex with elaborate, expensive or over the top events. It will only be used against you, especially if you don't get to spend much time with your darlings. Right now the time you have is precious, use it to connect with them and support them. Get to know them and let them get to know you in this new, evolving, healthier place. You are all going through so much! (Even if they aren't showing it, they will be as stressed as you are!) Take care of them as opposed to entertaining them. Keep things, safe, familiar and sane. They might literally need to do nothing while they are with you and just decompress. (Couch forts, chicken wings and silly movies anyone?)
Talk if they want to talk, don't push if they don't and just play medium chill about the ex. Don't ask about ex at all. Just check in about their feelings and if they talk, don't judge, just empathize and offer support, help or advice.

Hang in there Crushed and take really good care of yourself... I know you are probably stressed and upset a lot of the time! Love yourself and treat yourself gently so your private stresses don't spill over into your time with your kids! Take care of yourself as best you can so you aren't short tempered or volatile. Rest. Eat. Practice some centering deep breathing. You have totally got this. You're a great dad, stick with it and in time this will all play out. It's the little things, day after day that matter. Consistency. Safety. Sanity. In time your kids will see it all for what it is and love you for being what they needed. Even if it sucks really badly right now. It might not be tomorrow, but Someday, This Is Going To Be a Great Story!

[pushit]

Yes, camping with Dad is now a running joke between the kids and I.  The next trip after that one had to get moved to a different campground because of a mountain snowstorm in June.  It was raining and 40 degrees and we made smores while the kids were dressed up in all their winter clothes.  Now I joke with them and say "you don't want to camp with me, what might happen next?!?" but we laugh about it and make the best of what we have.  All in all it's a good thing, it teaches them to handle adversity and find the positive in any situation.

Again, I agree with BeautifulCrazy.  Don't try and compete, just create a calm atmosphere for them.  My kids don't fully understand it yet, but they're doing much better now than when we were married.  My oldest routinely asks "can we have a stay at home day this weekend?" and I know that exPDw completely over schedules them while they're at her place, so I intentionally keep our schedule light.  They've had plenty of days of playing in the backyard in the dirt with the garden hose, getting muddy head to toe and then taking a bath at the end.  Also days where we sit around in pajamas and read, or watch a movie together and just be.  The funny thing is they don't ask me to go do more things, they are content with being kids and having some down time.