To all those separated and divorced...

[NeedSupport]

What an amazing thread.  I'm still pushing through my break up so it is so positive to read all the great things you all have experienced after pushing through to the other side! 

Keep it coming, it gives those of us still half-way in the fog something to look forward to and keep us heading in the right direction!

*make plans with family/people and not have to worry what will "happen" the day before or the day of those plans 

I ammmm looking forward to this one soooo much!!

[pushit]

Agreed.  Fantastic thread, let's keep it going.

There is a great line I read, I believe it's from the book "Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist..." and I'm sure I'm misquoting it, but:

"Do you remember the last time you woke up and were excited to get out of bed and go do something?"

When I read that line two years ago it hit me hard.  I remembered that feeling but I hadn't felt excited about anything in a long time.  Every morning I woke up and knew I had to "take her temperature" to see how our day could go.  Usually any excitement I felt would be squashed quickly by the announcement of some random problem.  I left our house 16 months ago, fully divorced for almost a year.  This feeling has been coming back, bit by bit. 

I have a woodworking project I want to finish this weekend, and today I woke up feeling energized about it.  I'm excited to go into my garage, get my tools out, play whatever music I want, and get after it.  I know nobody will be coming by to interrupt it.  Worst case scenario is a neighbor stops by to chat, and I've got a fridge full of beer to address that issue.     Have a great day everyone!

[Blackbird11]

I'm still just separated and hopefully divorce process will be initiated ASAP.

BUT, Here's what I've noticed in the past year of separation, even with still having to live with him:

- I can make plans to do things by myself or with friends and family, go do the things, and I no longer feel this dark cloud hovering over me the entire time. He would make everything uncomfortable. He would sometimes purposely start arguments with me on the way to things. Sometimes he would turn up the charm when he arrived and everything was fine. Sometimes the bad mood would last the whole time and I would have to listen to him complain either wherever we were or get guilt tripped about making him go on the way home.

- When I make plans, I can just make them! If I had to invite him with me someplace (my husband, father of my children, who I had been with for 10 YEARS), it would mean jumping through hoops, balancing on one leg, waiting until the sun is aligned with Venus to ensure that if I'm asking him to do something or go someplace he's in the "right" mood and I'm doing it the "right" way. Even then, it was never simple. He could never just say "yes" or "no." Then of course, going to the place would result in the above.

- I am able to read books and watch TV shows I like again. He would always criticize me for not spending enough time with him if I tried to do anything like that, or make me watch something he wanted because he could never find it within himself to try to watch something I like with me. Maybe once in a while he'd go see a movie I wanted to see, but then I'd have to listen to him complain about it.

- I can have conversations with people again. He literally talked at me. That's it. Had no interest in what was going on in my brain, my world, my emotions. Nothing. He did not care. He would sometimes pretend to ask or care, and then immediately the conversation would be rerouted back to him. He used to call me on his break at work (and he works six day weeks) and I'd have to stop whatever I was doing so he could talk at me for a full hour. If I didn't want to talk to him, I'd have to answer to why and then probably a guilt trip with it.

There's more but don't want to go on and on. I dream about what it will be like when I'm finally free and in my own space, in charge of my life and finances again. I plan on cooking a lot more. And once the pandemic is over, I plan on having people over a lot more. I want my home to burst with joy.