Too much too late

[escapingman]

WOW, just watched this video by Dr Ramani - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sHPvkgpr-uw

This explains my situation so much as it doesn't feel like a hover but a desperate attempt to get me back. My uNPDSTBXw has been trying to future fake and make promises over the last months, it all stinks of desperation and I cannot take any of it serious. She has suddenly done a few things that I have asked/begged her to do for years and years. Now she suddenly done them, after the divorce petition went in. But the sad thing is, the things I asked from her was for her to get better, not really for me other than me thinking if she got better I got better. She hasn't offered, or even seen, what would actually be what I want. No apology or even admitting the abuse she put me through existed. But even if she did , it's to late for me now, the damage she has done is so severe I could not get back with her. I felt I needed to start a new topic for this as it is such an important one and the video is one of the best I ever seen.

[guitarman]

I follow Dr Ramani as well. I find her videos very informative. I follow several other people who talk about narcissistic abuse as well on YouTube and Instagram.

If we are in a crisis and are experiencing trauma it may take time and repeated viewing several times over to fully comprehend what we need to do to take care of ourselves. Trauma can impact your memory and cognitive functioning.

Slowly I understood and realised what my uBPD/NPD sister was doing and why I reacted as I did to her extreme abusive behaviour.

We need to educate ourselves about personality disorders and be willing to learn and do things differently.

Little by little things can and will change for you.

Be gentle with yourself. You are doing the best that you can.

Keep calm. Stay strong. Stay safe. Keep posting.

[Lauren17]

I watched this yesterday and wow! Exactly what's going on in my situation.
Stbxh not only promised the things I'd been begging for over the years. He's done many of them.
The thought that he's trying to find my "price," the point at which I'll return is chilling.
Thank you so much for sharing this.

[Boat Babe]

Pure manipulation is chilling ime.

[escapingman]

What makes me so angry about this is that is shows it is deliberate and that she can control herself when she wants to. It really makes my sick and I struggle to even look at her.

[moglow]

What makes me so angry about this is that is shows it is deliberate and that she can control herself when she wants to.

Pretty much limits all the "but but but...!" arguments, doesn't it. But that time this, but you said that, but why didn't you the other, etc. It's ALL about choices, and weve all made poor ones at one point or another. Yes, she may make some changes - or not. Time and consistency are what really answer that question, whether this is all to suck you back in or honest efforts to turn things around.

[guitarman]

This is why I changed from thinking my uBPD/NPD has a serious mental health issue to redefining her as my abuser. That helped me to understand better what was going on.

My sister could be in a full emotional meltdown and get a call from a friend, take the call and behave like a different person whilst chatting with them. I couldn't believe it.

[GentleSoul]

This is why I changed from thinking my uBPD/NPD has a serious mental health issue to redefining her as my abuser. That helped me to understand better what was going on.

My sister could be in a full emotional meltdown and get a call from a friend, take the call and behave like a different person whilst chatting with them. I couldn't believe it.

This!!!  100%

They can control it when they want to.

I have seen the PDs that were in my life switch from full on rage to being pleasant if someone appears or phones them who they want to impress. 

My late PD mother contained her vicious violence until us kids were indoors away from anyone seeing.

So yeah, they CAN control it.  It is ABUSE!

Guitarman, the change in my viewpoint that you mention helped me very much too.  Empowering. 

I also like the work of Dr Ramani very much. 

[escapingman]

My sister could be in a full emotional meltdown and get a call from a friend, take the call and behave like a different person whilst chatting with them. I couldn't believe it.

That's exactly how STBX behaved, last summer when going away for a few days she was raging when packing the car and suddenly a neighbour turned up and she was nice and chatty and as soon as the neighbour left she went back to raging.

She is also able to hold 3 different appearances at once when at home. She could be happy chatty to one girl, rage against the other and silent treat me.

[guitarman]

One Christmas another sibling invited their friend to be with our family for Christmas. They did it as they knew that our uBPD/NPD sister would behave herself in front of this stranger. She was flirting with him and trying to impress him.

Without the stranger being there she may have had a meltdown as she has no regard for our family's feelings.

I don't really know who she actually is.

Is she the real person raging at the family or the person who is calm and love bombing strangers?

After my sister had a suicidal crisis and was raging, when the police and ambulance services arrived after I had called them she behaved so differently to them and was so calm.

Actors need audiences. They can't survive without them.

I have learnt not to feed the narcissistic supply.

My sister's behaviours all begin with the letter S

Sobbing
Screaming
Shouting
Swearing
Seeking money
Suicidal

I have learnt to stay calm and not get on her emotional rollercoaster with her.

Observe don't absorb.

Keep calm. Stay strong. Stay safe. Keep posting.

[GentleSoul]

So much wonderful discussion in here, thanks everyone.

My PD parents are long gone and I was NC a lot of the time with them, but reading above I suddenly remembered that when I did see them it was always in a public place. So coffee shop or restaurant.  I didn't have much awareness of PD issues all those decades ago but through my own observation I had realised they behaved better in public.

My PD sister was the same, I instinctively only ever met her in a coffee shop, never behind closed doors or screaming fit likely to happen.

Funny we seem to know how to protect ourselves on a gut instinct.

[guitarman]

I didn't know anything about PD until I saw a psychiatrist as I was having difficulties coping with my uBPD/NPD sister. Her behaviour was impacting my mental health.

He mentioned BPD then all her behaviours fitted into place once I had educated myself about it.

Now she is just someone that I used to know. I never want to see her ever again. She won't ever change.

[JustKeepTrying]

There was moment when I was beginning to understand FOG and that my xOCPDh was PD.  It happened so quickly in the past I would have dismissed it. 

My daughter and her husband came to visit and entered the house.  We were all happy to see them since they live so far away.  My husband up to that point had been playing on his phone and as soon as she walked in his face lit up and he hugged her and my SIL and the kids came charging in all hugging and happy smiles.  I stood back because I had been in the kitchen and was drying my hands so I waited my turn.  My ex turned and saw me and his face in an instant - less than a second went from joyous and happy to closed, shuttered and cold.  LIke a switch flipped off.  His glare at me was so extreme and unprovoked that I actually stumbled and I could just feel my chest turn hard and my throat began to close.  I had tears in my eyes which fortunately my kids attributed to joy.

I knew then that it was act.  All an act.

I hope you being kind to yourself EM.  Then end is close and by this time next year you will be posting stories of recovery and joy.

[escapingman]

Yesterday was mothers day here in the UK, absolute nightmare. She was in a bad mood from the start to finish. First complained to the kids that they hadn't cleared up the kitchen properly for her to be able to enjoy her breakfast. Then setting them up when asking about lunch, but not telling them what her plan was. Ended up with GC and STBX raging at SG and me, no chance of trying to calm GC down as completely backed by STBX in allowing her to treat me and SG like that (yes I am worried STBX is creating another PD). Ended up me and SG went out and had lunch in the car. Came back and uNPDmil was in the house, invited for lunch without having told anyone about it. They are having their little gang of 3 generations talking and having STBX playing a victim, uNPDmil not even saying hello to SG and completely blanks her. SG ends up leaving the house to see a friend instead. Later when uNPDmil has left STBX was crying about how her mothers day was ruined. I really have had enough of this shit show. I can't even talk to GC without her screaming at me and then being backed by STBX. I am feeling such an intense anger towards STBX right now, last night I was shaking stopping myself from going and physically removing STBX from the house.

My take on it is that STBX thought she could treat me and the girls in whatever way she wants, but then when her mum came round we all should play happy family to show her mum how happy we all are. But that fell through straight away when me and SG came back, and I told uNPDmil that it wasn't because of her we were not participating in the lunch but the way STBX and GC had been treating us. STBX quickly tried to defend herself, but that fell flat as GC (not knowing the PD rules) started swearing at me and SG in front of uNPDmil. STBX started to cry and pretended her being the victim and blamed GC for it all.

I am so worn out. So tired. Not sure I can manage many more days.

[feralcat]

Do you have any idea of a timetable, if you don't mind me asking ?
Could you actually set up an actual timetable, to tick off, on your mobile, for example ? Recalibrate if delays occur for whatever reason.

[escapingman]

No I only have a rough estimate of 2 months, that easy could be 3. Funnily enough I have planned quite a few short trips away for the coming months, just watched dr Ramani talking about exactly this as Respite care. I have been doing this for a long time and wondered if I am selfish for doing so, but with dr Ramani even giving it a name I feel better about doing so. But I do need more and more of these trips, as it only takes days of being home before I am desperate to leave again. But it is hard to leave the girls behind when doing so, but without them I would literally go under.

[escapingman]

No I only have a rough estimate of 2 months, that easy could be 3. Funnily enough I have planned quite a few short trips away for the coming months, just watched dr Ramani talking about exactly this as Respite care. I have been doing this for a long time and wondered if I am selfish for doing so, but with dr Ramani even giving it a name I feel better about doing so. But I do need more and more of these trips, as it only takes days of being home before I am desperate to leave again. But it is hard to leave the girls behind when doing so, but without them I would literally go under.

I have read up a bit more on this and in theory if STBX is playing games with the financial settlement this could take much longer and go to the courts and back and forth. I might have missed this in my various discussions and the timeline vaguely outlined by my solicitor is more the best case scenario. I think I might have another conversation of the options of possible getting a court order to remove STBX, or if there is a way to make an agreement with her solicitor that I can move out without forfeiting any rights. I really can't see me staying in the same house for very much longer, I can't see how the kids can do it either with both being manipulated in different ways. I obviously still have the contact with social that I could call upon, but that is scary and with STBX being a master manipulator and both girls scared of her I am worried a story against me could be created.

I will try to cope for a bit longer and see how things go, STBX is very close to a complete meltdown so she might decide to just go, wishful thinking but a reality. I have kind of left everything to her now, which she is starting to struggle with. She did forbid me from using the washing machines, now she complains she is the only one doing laundry. She complained about me doing food shopping as that upset her meal plans, now she complains she is the only one shopping. She moaned at me telling me I am a crap cook and cant make food so now I let her do all the cooking for the kids, now she complains she is the only one cooking. I was told to not do cleaning in the house as I am not good at it and she always have to redo it afterwards, so I am not doing any cleaning which she now moans about. I could probably continue this but I am sure you get the picture. I have no problem with cleaning, cooking, shopping so on, but I have an issue doing after being told to not do it.

[guitarman]

Be very aware about NOT being provoked into anger which may lead into violence. It can happen. I've witnessed it myself. Thankfully I have never become violent but have come close several times. It really scared me how I might react. I locked myself in the bathroom to get away from all the chaos and drama to calm down.

Become aware of how your body is reacting. All the adrenaline released automatically causes our body to go into fight, flight, freeze, fawn or faint mode.

Become aware of your breathing.

Talk calmly, slowly and quietly to others. It helps to calm them down. If we talk angrily, quickly and loudly they will be angry as well.

I learnt this from a psychologist I did a Mindfulness course with and it's something I remember to do.

Our behaviour can influence how others react and behave themselves.

I know it's not easy to stay calm when others are being aggressive and angry. They want you to join in. Don't feed their narcissistic supply.

Buddha said "Holding onto anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned".

Let go of anger.

I am aware about how I can get provoked into anger. I choose to remain calm. I have a choice.


Keep calm. Stay strong. Stay safe. Keep posting.

[guitarman]

It sounds like your wife is trying to cope with everything but she isn't able to do any of it.

You can see what is happening but she can't. She can't admit that she can't cope.

If she is raging she must be exhausted both physically and mentally.

During a crisis I was able to contact my local carers centre and talk to the mental health carers support worker there during the day. They were able to support me whenever I needed them during a crisis. I would need to call them several times during the day.

Please call your local carers centre. They will be able to support you.

You can find your local carers centre in the UK here

https://carers.org/


Keep calm. Stay strong. Stay safe. Keep posting.

[escapingman]

Guitarman, when I was back in the FOG I would rage back. I didn't know better and thought I would have to make her see she was wrong. How much wasted effort was that. Yesterday she had completely forgot her raging over the weekend and when I wasn't happy and chatty when she suddenly flipped into a good mood I was yet again at fault for ruining her day. She has this habit of constantly walking around the house singing, and she is a terrible singer, and it drives both me and SG insane. There is no polite way to ask her to stop as she think it's her divine right to sing in her own house, it doesn't matter if any of us are concentrating on something, me being in a work meeting, or anything else, she just sing on the top of her voice. I am wondering if she is doing it to wind us up, or if she is so unaware she think she is allowed to do it with no care about us. But hey, if I or SG sing, F* Me hell is coming.....