Shift from within

[JayBird]

I wish I had my "light-bulb moment" years earlier, but I am truly thankful to finally have an explanation for all of uNmil ongoing, troubling behavior. That explanation? Pure 100% uNarcissim.  I was in FOG for so so so many years. Prior to me coming Out of the FOG, I used to call uNmil's behavior "over reach". Like, hum... how did mil needle her way into something that clearly was not her place and quite inappropriate?  I have observed that uNmil will always find a way to be at the center of everything. All of DH FOO completely revolve around the needs of uNmil. 

A little background: I lost my mother at a young age and my father passed away the same year I married DH.  Due to the loss of my FOO, early on I was thankful to have a chance at having a second family with my in-laws. My narc in-laws painted a picture of themselves as being "THE BEST FAMILY EVER" and being naïve to narcissism, I bought into this projected image of them. I was young and trusting and hopeful. Over time, uNmil masked dropped, her motivations became clear.

Unfortunately, in hindsight, I can now see how I took a people-pleasing approach to being accepted into the fold of my new in-law family. And who was there to pounce on my giving nature?  Right from the beginning, I was exploited by uNmil. At the time I did not think in terms of exploitation, only "being helpful".  There and then the dynamic was set between the two of us. Overtime, it became quite clear the one-sided nature of our relationship. uNmil takes while others give. 

It has been a rough road. For many years I was resentful towards DH due to uNmil's never ending covert aggression, scapegoating, comparisons, favoritism, monopolizing time, etc.... I felt like I was banging my head against the wall trying to be accepted by DH's family and felt overwhelming guilt and obligation to keep trying to make it work. Regretfully, I've said things to DH like, "if I had known your mother was going to cause this much grief, I would not have married you". Pretty harsh on my part. DH has at times come out the fog, but he often returns to save-haven of FOG (parental conditioning).

Thankfully, I stopped internalizing uNmil's message of never being good enough. Once I quieted my internal critic I began to feel a shift from within. I have now moved in a different emotional direction.  For more than a decade I have lived with hurt and deep levels of anger. Anger for being treated so poorly by covert uNmil. Hurt for having lost an opportunity at having a respectful and caring extended family. Now, without hurt and anger being so dominant, I have reached a healthier emotional state.  I began the process of mourning the loss of what I never had (loving family relationship w/in-laws). I have accepted the reality of what "is" and dropped the fantasy of what "could have been".

I have been 1-½ years of vlc and I am doing my best to focus on healthy balanced relationships. uNmil never fails to amaze me with her behavior. Now I can analyze her behavior in terms of her narcissism and I feel more curiosity rather than hurt. It's like I put on pair of behavioral anthropological goggles when I have to visit with my DH's FOO. This forum has been so helpful for healing! So many of the posts on this forum are so relatable to my in-law situation. Thank you Out of the FOG!

[Starboard Song]

 

You're a hero. Good job!

We are about to have to see my in-laws as a family for the first time in years, due to an upcoming family event. I am hoping to wear those anthropologist glasses, and help my DS16 feel healthy about his first adult interaction with them.

[mayaberry]

Jaybird, I related a lot to your post. I moved to be nearer H about a year after we were together. The move meant being a half day drive away from my family and right on the doorstep of his. Initially, I felt like this would be a comfort. I was being accepted in to a new family. But that didn't last long as I began to realise that nothing I did was ever enough. It wasn't even that it wasn't good enough, it just wasn't enough of anything. I was too quiet, I worked too much, at the same time I was lazy and didn't do enough, I didn't spend enough time with nsil, I didn't spend enough time with nmil. I never said the right things. I monopolised H.
Similarly to you, all of this was done covertly. I was gaslighted all the time. I was made to feel like if I was just a better person then they would like me more. I was made to feel that I wasn't good enough for H.
H eventually agreed to move away with me, although at the time I think he put it down to me being homesick rather than any actual issue with his family.
It's taken 15 years to get to where we are now and it's been a long road of arguments. Like you, I have often found myself saying that I wished I'd never married him and equally he has said that he cannot disown his family even when they have treated me terribly. It's caused us many, many sleepless nights.
Without this forum, I don't know where I would be. I don't know if H and I would still be together and I suspect that I would still feel like there was something seriously wrong with me, rather than them.
I too am now able to observe them like they're a different species. I can anticipate a lot of what they will say and do and it definitely makes them easier to cope with.
Obviously, there are still times that they get to me and there are still times that we argue about them but I'm so glad that this forum helped to give me the head space that I needed and understood exactly what I meant!
I hope that you continue to cope the way that you are doing. Good luck!

[Pepin]

Regretfully, I've said things to DH like, "if I had known your mother was going to cause this much grief, I would not have married you".

I could have written almost everything you said.  I, too lost my Mother when I was very young....however I was left to be raised by a narcissist father.  I cut him out of my life years ago and now consider myself parentless.  In fact, NF discarded me for several years and during that time I married DH.

Like you, I had high hopes of being accepted into DH's family and having the family I never had.  It was bumpy at the beginning.  I am neither the race nor same culture as DH and I know PDmil was upset about that...but DH wasn't the only child in the family to deal with this so there was comfort in knowing that.   

But over time, like you, the mask slipped from PDmil and I was horrified (through therapy) to learn that she was another PD.  So here I am: from a dysfunctional family and married into a dysfunctional family. 

I am Out of the FOG while DH struggles.  I was the SG and he is a parentified SG/GC combo.  His parents could not have made it as far as they had without him.  Literally. 

When DH and I got married he told me: If something happens to me, don't be alone and find someone else to marry.  I told him a while back that I had thought about what he said and that I would not be able to honor that.  I WILL NOT be marrying ever again.  I want to be alone.

He didn't question it oddly enough.  Maybe he understands that I am exhausted from what I have been through.  I did not have the heart to tell him the truth: that marrying into his family and dealing with his mother has been a horrible emotional blow for me.  I feel that I have not lived a full life with her in it.  I would not have married him if I knew her behavior would end up being the way it is today.

Like you, I often analyze PDmil's behavior and I feel badly for her.  She has so much going for her (or had) and she just chose to trash it all.  It is now embarrassing to be around her...

[JayBird]

Pepin- thanks for your kind response. Yes, indeed we seem to have similar parallel nMil burdens to bear. One thing that has really helped me lately is the "My stuff/your stuff" thought technique of reminding myself to separate what is really my responsibility vs. DH's responsibility  (his nM), determining what is my concern and under my control and what is a personality-disordered individual's responsibility. My nMil is more than happy to give me "an emotional bag of garbage" but I don't have to take it from her. It's still hard, after being in her presence I will ruminate for a week or so, but the negative voice is getting more quieter than ever before.

Mayberry- yes, yes yes! Our husbands are squeezed into a tight spot of having to "please mommy" while staying true to his chosen family. I understand that is a tough pickle for them, especially when nMil is kind to her adult son but sly covert nasty to DIL. One struggle I have is that my husband physically LOOKS like his mom, and after an especially difficult encounter with nMIL I can have a hard  time looking at my husband. Bizarre on a level I could never have imagined when I first met my good husband.

Starboard song- Thank you! Kids are pretty smart intuitively.

[mayaberry]

Jaybird - yes! Luckily H doesn't look too much like nmil, he takes after his dad instead, but some of his mannerisms and the way he acts in certain situations sometimes, it's just her! I can't stand it sometimes because it's like having her in the room with me! Since I've become more aware of her behaviours, I'm definitely more tuned in to noticing similarities in H. Sometimes I have to just take a deep breath and remind myself that he is not her. 

[Alexmom]

You are in such a good, detached place Jaybird in which you can literally go into observation mode when you have to be around your MIL and observe all of her disordered behavior.  Good for you.  It is such a gift when you can get to that place. 

I hope you have mourned the relationships with the IL's that were never to be and have shifted your focus and attention on the relationships in your life that are working and are loving and supportive.