Is being LOUD very common or just my experience?

[Andeza]

What's your experience here? Growing up with uBPDm, she was insufferably loud. Nearly shouting, projecting massive amounts of volume, when sitting next to me at the same table kind of loud. I'd ask her to speak more quietly, she would of course be offended and say that's just how she learned to talk when she taught school for ALL those years (Like five? You're blaming that? Really?) She'd adjust her volume for maybe three minutes and then be right back at it. The more I complained, the more annoyed she'd get with me. At family events you could always hear her on the other side of the house, talking at full volume at whoever was unfortunate enough to get caught. Her laugh was painfully loud, spiking high on a harsh note that could make your ears ring if she was next to you. The only other thing that's ever made my ears ring like that is not having my hearing protection on right at the range (which only happened once, because *ouch*). She always sat on one side of me for school and in the living room, and now I have hearing loss on that side. I've had hearing loss on that side since I was a teenager, with no other possible cause. Is this a thing? Is it common? Or was this just uBPDm and her particular brand of making sure all attention was on HER?

[Starboard Song]

Can confirm. My MIL was always louder than normal.

[Catothecat]

Can confirm as well.  Seems almost all the PDs I've known were very loud individuals (coverts not so much).  I also assumed it was attention-getting behavior.

[Rosa Rugosa]

My uNPD mother is usually quiet (covert).

My uNPD sister fluctuates, can be loud or quiet.

My partner's mother, who he thinks might be uNPD (overt) is loud. So very, loud. She doesn't change her volume to suit the situation - proximity to someone or the surroundings. She was a public speaker, so might have an excuse there (habit) - But she does use her loud voice to cut people off in conversation, we find it pretty annoying and disrespectful (it's almost every time we speak). Also get the ringing in my ears and think it's about attention. Maybe it's also not thinking about other peoples comfort? (Lack of empathy?)

[NarcKiddo]

My uNPD mother is not always loud but she absolutely can be. Especially if she is emotionally triggered. So tantrums are loud and if she is having a good time she is loud, so you all know she is having a GOOD TIME. Oh, and her sneezes! Holy heck, they go right through you.

[Rosa Rugosa]

  my sister is the same, even the sneezes!

[LemonLime]

I have an aunt who has a high-conflict personality.   Seems to have some narc traits.

Has always laughed SO loud.  And often she laughs at things nobody else is really finding all that funny.

It's always felt attention-seeking to me.   "Look at me....I'm having so much fun and am in on a secret funny story. Don't you wish you were hanging out with me?  I'm in charge here, even if it is your party."

[easterncappy]

My dad was convinced that conversations are some sort of contest of how loud you can be, combined with how much you can interrupt others. Any time you asked him to please stop yelling, he would get really angry with you. You had to literally beg him to let you finish speaking if you ever wanted to finish a thought, otherwise he'd just drone on and on and on... very loudly, of course. "Please stop interrupting me" was often met with him angrily storming out of the room and/or throwing something. "THAT'S HOW CONVERSATIONS WORK!!!"... no dude, that's how monologues work. I think his constant drunkenness might have had something to do with it?

He once interrupted me while yelling, completely changed the topic, and I said "wow, that was pretty rude, if what I have to say isn't important at all, I guess I'll leave" (I know, not the best move) and he threw the temper tantrum of all temper tantrums and my mom expected me to apologize for it. In her eyes, I was "being a showoff" and "being macho" (for lack of better word - it's not gendered in our language). Near the end of my living with him, i learned to just leave the room when he entered - which also made him very angry. You had to listen to him yell and talk over you, you had no choice, that was your job. People in my life wonder why I spend a lot of social outings just sort of sitting there taking everything in now.

He had a general obsession with loudness - he would pick me up from school (usually drunk) with the music playing so loudly that it literally hurt my ears. I would either turn it down myself or ask him to turn it down. He would immediately get extremely angry with me - "I'M SORRY THAT I WANTED TO ACTUALLY HEAR MY MUSIC!!!"... funny enough, it bothered him if other people played their music loud enough that he could hear it. You'd think he was deaf, but he always heard anything I said that he didn't like from literally half the house away.

[Associate of Daniel]

My UNPD exH's UNPD wife is loud. Thankfully not enough to cause damage to the ears but it is very grating.

In her case I'd say it's definitely attention seeking behaviour.

AOD

[Andeza]

Oh wow, there's enough people saying yes to this that I'm adding it to my red flag list. Absent hearing loss, there's no reason for the sort of volume we're encountering. I really do think it is attention seeking behavior. The lack of embarrassment is also quite telling. uBPDm could be super loud in a room full of other people and never notice she was being stared at, all she seemed to care about was dominating the conversation. And yes, the loudness frequently took the form of a monologue. She never knew when to stop and couldn't just be quiet. I told her a few times she talked too much (poor teenage me recognizing a problem and not realizing it couldn't be fixed) and she'd act hurt and say that she just wouldn't talk at all then. Too bad that never lasted longer than an hour or two...

[Cat of the Canals]

I have an aunt who has a high-conflict personality.   Seems to have some narc traits.

Has always laughed SO loud.  And often she laughs at things nobody else is really finding all that funny.

PDmil does this. She has this one particular ear-piercing half laugh/half shriek she does when she wants everyone to know she's having a great time.

She also has no problem raising her voice to talk over anyone else if she finds the current conversation boring.

Oh, and this is no exaggeration: she has caused more than one car accident as a passenger by literally SCREAMING at the driver.

[easterncappy]

I have an aunt who has a high-conflict personality.   Seems to have some narc traits.

Has always laughed SO loud.  And often she laughs at things nobody else is really finding all that funny.

It's always felt attention-seeking to me.   "Look at me....I'm having so much fun and am in on a secret funny story. Don't you wish you were hanging out with me?  I'm in charge here, even if it is your party."

My dad does something very similar to this. He literally screams when he laughs. If people tell him to calm down and maybe be a little quieter, he gets really passive aggressive about how he's "not allowed to enjoy anything...". Like, you are allowed to enjoy things, you just shouldn't scream so loudly that people in the apartment next to you hear it. We've literally had neighbors complain. People have thought someone was being hurt, and it was just him laughing.

Oh, and this is no exaggeration: she has caused more than one car accident as a passenger by literally SCREAMING at the driver.

My dad once did this. Both of my parents were in the car and he wouldn't. stop. yelling. (the obnoxious "look at me I'm sooo funny" kind) and I kept begging him to quiet down, that I couldn't focus, and I hit a curb. Car was fine with a few scrapes but my brain was fried. I told him that he should have just been quiet because I can't deal with that much stimulation when operating a vehicle. He threw a temper tantrum, got out of the car, and decided he was walking home... I let him... and my mom demanded that I apologize for not begging him to get back in the car and actually leaving without him. Because the right thing to do is to let the person who caused the minor accident back in my car after they throw a violent fit, right? There is nothing worse than being in a car with these people. If they're driving, they're a danger... if they're a passenger, they're still somehow a danger. I don't get it. Even thought I was in the FOG back then I refused to every drive with him ever again after that.

[Cat of the Canals]

Oh, and this is no exaggeration: she has caused more than one car accident as a passenger by literally SCREAMING at the driver.

My dad once did this. Both of my parents were in the car and he wouldn't. stop. yelling. (the obnoxious "look at me I'm sooo funny" kind) and I kept begging him to quiet down, that I couldn't focus, and I hit a curb. Car was fine with a few scrapes but my brain was fried. I told him that he should have just been quiet because I can't deal with that much stimulation when operating a vehicle. He threw a temper tantrum, got out of the car, and decided he was walking home... I let him... and my mom demanded that I apologize for not begging him to get back in the car and actually leaving without him. Because the right thing to do is to let the person who caused the minor accident back in my car after they throw a violent fit, right? There is nothing worse than being in a car with these people. If they're driving, they're a danger... if they're a passenger, they're still somehow a danger. I don't get it. Even thought I was in the FOG back then I refused to every drive with him ever again after that.

It never ceases to amaze me how they all seem to be reading from the same playbook.

In MIL's case, her screaming was about getting the driver to take her where she wanted. When it happened to my husband, he was 15, driving on a learner's permit. MIL realized she'd forgotten to stop at the post office when they were in town. She wanted to turn around. Husband wanted to go home. So she started screaming at the top of her lungs about how he better TURN AROUND RIGHT NOW. He panicked and did what she said, turning directly into another vehicle. He has never driven since.

But adults aren't immune either. She and her husband were visiting us once, and after dinner he announced that they should head home. Apparently she wasn't ready to leave and threw a tantrum as soon as they were in the car: who does he think he is, unilaterally deciding it was time to leave when visiting HER SON, she wasn't ready to leave, how dare he, and he better turn around RIGHT NOW. Again, he panicked and did what she said and they ended up in a ditch and had to get towed out. Ugh.

[Boat Babe]

You're so right about being in a car with them. I remember a terrifying drive through single track, winding English lanes at SPEED. I was terrified. One of my friends from years ago had a very abusive husband that was also uPD drive like an absolute maniac. Partly to show off and partly to terrify and assert dominance. Prick!

[easterncappy]

It never ceases to amaze me how they all seem to be reading from the same playbook.

In MIL's case, her screaming was about getting the driver to take her where she wanted. When it happened to my husband, he was 15, driving on a learner's permit. MIL realized she'd forgotten to stop at the post office when they were in town. She wanted to turn around. Husband wanted to go home. So she started screaming at the top of her lungs about how he better TURN AROUND RIGHT NOW. He panicked and did what she said, turning directly into another vehicle. He has never driven since.

But adults aren't immune either. She and her husband were visiting us once, and after dinner he announced that they should head home. Apparently she wasn't ready to leave and threw a tantrum as soon as they were in the car: who does he think he is, unilaterally deciding it was time to leave when visiting HER SON, she wasn't ready to leave, how dare he, and he better turn around RIGHT NOW. Again, he panicked and did what she said and they ended up in a ditch and had to get towed out. Ugh.

Thank you for posting this because I still struggle with the feeling that I must be an easily distracted bad driver if I got into a minor accident just by getting yelled at in the car. Turns out that just... happens. People usually need to focus their brainpower on operating a motor vehicle, who would have known? My mom still thinks I was being a bully and a "showoff" that day (anytime I had a backbone for a split second, I was being a "showoff").

Even when they didn't actually endanger me and others on the road, driving around with them was just exhausting. My mom once volunteered me to drive my dad to and from the dentist... I have never had someone boss me around that much while driving. Good grief. He demanded I take a left turn during rush hour traffic onto a multi-lane road, yelled at me when I decided to take a right turn instead and turn around at the lights, kept telling me to speed up (I typically don't drive over the limit), called me an idiot if I didn't pull out onto a road before I felt like it was clear enough, yelled various commands at me, etc. I just wanted to be allowed to do the thing I was licensed to do... neither of them had licenses at the time. When we got home I immediately went to bed. I was mentally completely drained. He just never. shuts. up.

My mom frequently had weird tantrums in my car... ones where she'd sob about how "she doesn't understand why suicide is a sin, the world is so cruel, she deserves so much better than this" and it was really awkward because like... we were on the highway, usually on our way to something where we had to be on time, I couldn't pull over, I couldn't go anywhere without her.

I know it's a power play because they very rarely commented on anyone else's driving. Whenever a relative or friend drove us around, they were silent. Even if that person was doing something actually improper or even dangerous.

These people should not be allowed in cars.

You're so right about being in a car with them. I remember a terrifying drive through single track, winding English lanes at SPEED. I was terrified. One of my friends from years ago had a very abusive husband that was also uPD drive like an absolute maniac. Partly to show off and partly to terrify and assert dominance. Prick!

My dad had this obsession with saying "everyone does that" if he was called out on something bad, that everyone does not in fact do. Driving with him was terrifying, partly due to the drunkenness and impulsive behavior, but also because he would be going 20 mph over the speed limit and weaving between cars... and if you called him out on it, or said you didn't feel safe, he barked at you that "EVERYONE does that!!!". Like... if I look out the window, I have direct evidence of the fact that not everyone does that. Never again, thank God.