Religion has been the perfect "cover" for NPD parent & sibling abuse

[The Inner Light]

I was raised Catholic.  "Catholic Guilt" is a well known phenomenon in general.  At the age of 50, I only just recently realized that my father and sister must be NPD and now a lifetime of stress and anxiety I've been subjected to by the two of them makes sense.  I'm crushed by this and feel like rather than being able to lead a full life, I'm wondering if at best I'll be able to spend the rest of my life just healing and being neutral.

I was raised in a very strict religious household.  A household where those who are devout are considered as having a chance at getting into Heaven and everyone else is "crow bait".  I see now that at least in my personal experience, religion is the perfect cover for my dad and sister's narcissism.  They can simply claim that it's not their ideas, orders, admonishments, criticisms, etc of me and my family...their God's. 

Religion is also a perfect cover for them having ZERO boundaries in our lives because they feel not only justified in lecturing, preaching, admonishing, harping at me and my lack of spirituality in their eyes, they feel obligated and they back it up with scripture.  My dad bases his free reign in having zero boundaries on an Old Testament passage about an elderly priest named Eli.  Eli had adult sons who were leading a sinful life.  Eli did nothing to correct his adult son's behaviors.  God struck Eli dead as a punishment.

During Covid our family stopped going to church.  We haven't been back since.  My dad and sister and her family have been going to Mass regularly.  This bishops in our state have mandated that everyone is to return to weekly Mass as of 7.1.21.  However, they have made some exceptions (e.g. the infirm, etc) which includes an ongoing dispensation for anyone who has significant anxiety over contracting Covid.  That's us.  We're still not going to go to Mass.  We may never return.  The more my dad and sister push on the religious stuff, the more opposed to all of it I become.  That's always been the case.

There will come a time when all of this "comes to a head" with my dad and sister.  What I mean is, there will come a time when they badger me to the point that I tell them to "butt out" and they'll realize that according to them, I've "left the faith".  At that point they will gang up on me and double their efforts and hounding me.

I can see now that all those years of my parents focusing so much on having church people over for suppers including strangers rather than focusing on their family was a way, even if unknowingly, for my dad to screen for new "supply".  He'd lecture and preach about his strong views on any number of topics.  Those that agreed with him were invited back.  Those that didn't agree were considered "funny" (ie wrong-headed).

It would be one thing to have secular family members with NPD who simply have their own set of rigid opinions, etc.  However, when family members with NPD have extreme religious views they can ALWAYS justify them by saying their views are not theirs alone, they're the views of God.  My mom is no longer alive.  She was always the sane buffer between me and my dad and sister.  I no longer have a buffer.

This is bad.  I don't know what to do.

[Andeza]

Oh, well in my Bible it never says God struck Eli dead. It says Eli was almost a hundred years old, "heavy," and when he heard the news he fell over in shock and broke his neck. I believe we could class it as a freak accident fairly safely. I've got one for you. Job was beloved by God because Job made sacrifices and prayed daily for his children just in case they offended God somehow. It says nothing of Job being punished for the actions of his children, nor that he hounded them to "be good."

I would encourage you to see the manipulations of your dad and sister as exactly that. They are twisting the Scripture to make it say what they want in order to get what they want: control. Control is what ALL pwPDs want over the inner circles in their lives, regardless of religion. Plenty of atheist/agnostic/fill in the blank pwPDs will twist the words of experts, scientific studies, news articles, etc, to exert control and get the desired outcome. The method is the same, the outcome also frequently so, despite the material being used. Really, they ought not be putting a stumbling block in your way, but they are, and God will eventually have that conversation with them. Not you. Don't you worry.

Your buffer between your father and sister and yourself must now become you and the boundaries you establish. That may look like not inviting them into your home, or only meeting them in public where they are more likely to behave because "what would people think?!" if they acted up. It may look like ending calls and visits if they start heaping on that ridiculous guilt. Just saying, oops left the stove on, got to go! As... you know, you're standing there with the stove turned on so it's true

Remember, they can only hound you if you let them. You are the gatekeeper of all forms of communication. If you block their phones, their emails, don't answer the door, etc, then they absolutely cannot hound you. You are an adult, accountable to God alone, and they can't do a thing about it if you decide they are not healthy for you to be around. You have all the power here. I promise. Frankly, any authority they had over you whatsoever ended when you left the family home. Now they're just using your own guilt and fear, which they have cultivated, against you.

[The Inner Light]

Thank you very much for saying all of that, Andeza.  I appreciate it very much.

[Boat Babe]

Yes, as Andeza says, abusers will use any and every tool in the box to exert control over someone in their orbit. Your father and sister use religion and, as a fellow (lapsed) catholic, I know that the various doctrines around sin and hell are very powerful ones. I had to unpick that for years.

Your best bet is to take some time away from the abuse so that you can start to see it for what it is. You sound like you're getting there btw. Can you distance yourself for some months from them? This will allow you to regain some clarity and strength.

Certainly start using the tools on the Out of the FOG website to help you immediately.  Establish some boundaries to ensure your emotional and psychological safety. For example: I will remove myself from any communication the instant it becomes toxic. Just that is a huge and empowering step in reclaiming your life   

I highly recommend journaling and having a self compassion practice to support yourself. Share your journey with close, trusted friends if you feel that is safe. Talk to us here because we really understand how awful these situations are.

Remember that you are a beautiful, unique individual with much to offer the world and that you deserve none of this crap

[The Inner Light]

Oh, well in my Bible it never says God struck Eli dead. It says Eli was almost a hundred years old, "heavy," and when he heard the news he fell over in shock and broke his neck. I believe we could class it as a freak accident fairly safely. I've got one for you. Job was beloved by God because Job made sacrifices and prayed daily for his children just in case they offended God somehow. It says nothing of Job being punished for the actions of his children, nor that he hounded them to "be good."

Thanks also, Andeza for what you wrote about Job.  I might need to mention that to my dad.

Regarding the old priest Eli.  I looked it up.  In the Bible I have it's in the 1st book of Samuel.  Prior to Eli falling over off his chair and breaking his neck it talks about how his priest sons broke the laws of God by taking choice sacrificial meats they weren't supposed to take and sleeping with temple maidens or something.  Eli did admonish his sons at one point which to me seemed to be a pretty stern and legitimate rebuke and warning regarding their behavior.  Not good enough for God apparently.  God decided then and there that none of Eli's descendents would live to an old age and that he would smite Eli's two sons.  It's one of the things God told Samuel when Samuel heard God's voice at night and then Samuel recounted to Eli on Eli's insistence.

^ So my dad interprets that to mean telling his kids how they should or should not live (ie morality, spirituality) and correcting them if it appears to my dad that they're not living the right way is likely not enough for God.  I'm not sure what Eli was supposed to do or what actions on his part would have appeased God or and above telling them firmly as he did that they should stop their bad behavior.

Anyway, virtually all of my dad's opinions, actions and basis for telling his family what to do is based off of his interpretation of Scripture.  It's his justification.

[ShelHarby]

So sad to hear such a story. The worst part is that you've had this stress in your life for 50 years already. I hope you're on your way to healing!

[neymarjr26]

So sad to hear such a story. The worst part is that you've had this stress in your life for 50 years already. I hope you're on your way to healing!

Yaas

[Call Me Cordelia]

I would encourage you to see the manipulations of your dad and sister as exactly that. They are twisting the Scripture to make it say what they want in order to get what they want: control. Control is what ALL pwPDs want over the inner circles in their lives, regardless of religion. Plenty of atheist/agnostic/fill in the blank pwPDs will twist the words of experts, scientific studies, news articles, etc, to exert control and get the desired outcome. The method is the same, the outcome also frequently so, despite the material being used. Really, they ought not be putting a stumbling block in your way, but they are, and God will eventually have that conversation with them. Not you. Don't you worry.

100% this!

Our Lord has good boundaries. He offers us unconditional love, but not unconditional forgiveness.

I'm a traditional Catholic, and to be quite honest there appear to be plenty of narcissistic folks at my parish too. But we are all there in that confession line. I'm not extra specially bad or shamed because there I am again, because that's just fallen humanity for ya. It's no wonder that we mess up. Confession is also completely private. Not even the priest knows who you are. I'm not allowed to ask my own seven-year-old about the content of her confessions. I have to correct her as a parent, sure, but there's none of this nonsense of me being responsible for her walk with God or any of that. That's just bogus. And yep, a bid for control. Being as well-versed in scripture as he is surely your dad knows the one about the millstone around his neck?

[Mary]

Remember No JADE--Don't justify, argue, defend, or explain.

That's nice, that's too bad....

Focus on a pure, simple relationship with God, and let your dad and sister see the difference.