Hiding a pregnancy

[Call Me Cordelia]

So piggybacking on Solong's thread about the "surprise" baby announcement. my uPDILs have been rude every single time we have announced a pregnancy to them, and most ungracious about all of our babies, mostly pretending they don't exist. I'm a mother of four living children, two miscarriages. Those miscarriages were both "for the best."  Asking us if it were a surprise, stony blank stares, "I didn't want it to be true!", and "Well you got what you wanted," were other notable responses to news of a new grandchild.

I am now NC with them, DH isn't, but lower contact than before. I am not currently pregnant for the record, but before NC I said to DH if we ever were to have another baby I would not want to tell them about the pregnancy until the baby is born because of their past behavior. He was noncommittal but acknowledged my feelings at least. We both would like to have more. We are healthy and youngish so it's likely.

So... would that be manipulative on my part if I were to stick to not telling? Like Soling's ILs? Or would it be a just consequence? Of course I wouldn't be telling them anything and I wish DH would go NC too... but pregnancy is pretty intimate information. About the state of MY body. But it would be DH's child too, of course. Of course I cannot control what DH would do or say. But would it be inappropriate to ask for privacy here? I guess I shouldn't care, being NC and all. But it's not like they would get to meet that hypothetical new baby so why would they need to know???  Ah, the crazy questions we ask here.

Thanks. Glad for a chance to think this out without hormones getting involved lol.

[fixingtofix]

I'm currently pregnant and VLC with my parents. They don't know. I'm not going to tell them. They've never been excited about any child I've had, I'm not letting them steal the joy of this one.

My husband doesn't quite agree, but he's also not going to call my parents and talk to them.

[Solong]

Not at all. Based on past history and the fact that your ILs are toxic to you- then no. Keep your distance.

In my case, my husband and I are not the ones with PD. Furthermore, we have given ILs no reason NOT to tell us this wonderful/joyous news...except to toy with our emotions, create drama, and/or retaliate for boundary setting.

It's so interesting to me, because much of the advice given and received on this site guides us to enact behaviors that mimic PD/toxic behavior (e.g., silent treatment/NC, grey rock/playing coy or withholding, etc.). Only each of knows to what extent we are truly coming from a good and healthy place when we perceive behavior and enact behavior. None of us are purely non-toxic, but (I hope) we're all aware of those less-healthy parts and are at least working on them.

That being said, the rules are not the same for you as they are to my ILs in this pregnancy case. You keep your distance, IMO.

[candy]

Cordelia, like you have written - it is your body. So you are the one who ought to be telling people or who isn't.

Although you are married it would not be your DH's choice to tell people - family or not - about your health status including a hypothetical pregnancy. IMO this is valid as long as you are conscious. We do not lose our right to self-determination with motherhood!

Pregnancy is an intimate and private matter, and I would like to add I truly believe it would be absolutely appropriate to ask your DH for privacy.
I actually have been asking my DH for privacy. I have been the one who has had the definite say in when to disclose.

I disagree with Solong on this one: of course the rules are the same. It doesn't really matter if we are Nons or PDs, we have a right to decide whether we disclose a pregnancy or keep it to ourselves. No one except the very nuclear FOC has a right to know or is likewise entitled to information. No one is entitled to know about your reasons also. No one should judge.


If you do not feel safe with telling someone, then don't. Why would you give such precious information like being pregnant to someone who has a history of hurtful behavior towards you? If the person is that unsafe, you chose NC for your own sake, why would you give ammunition?

From my very own experience I can say that my ILs, extended family, even friends had nothing to do with my decision to tell or not. My pregnancy wasn't about anyone else, it was about me and by the time I knew it lasted of course about the little one.

My NPDMIL and GCBIL spread rumors how I wasn't treating my BIL's fiancé, GF at the time, like family bc I did not want her to know about an early pregnancy (which ended with a miscarriage and at the time BILs GF was my coworker handling my personal files). The ILs' narrative is that I did hurt GF's feeling by not disclosing 
I still find it annoying and disturbing how my ILs tried to make my pregnancy and my loss about them, how they created a triangulated conflict around my health in such an encroaching manner.
Someone on this forum pointed out that my BIL's GF sounded pretty PD herself if she was thinking another woman's (mine) pregnancy was in any way about her (GF).

I am NC with NPDMIL and EnFIL and I won't contact them if I am pregnant. I'll ask DH who is VLC not to contact them either. It will be none of their concern. Being parents ourselves has been eyeopening for the dysfunction in the IL family. Having another baby won't change anything about the consequences we took. NC is the consequence of the IL's not respecting my and my FOC's physical and mental boundaries, it is a consequence of their abusiveness.

I think in case of a pregnancy I will inform the ILs we are VLC/LC with after receiving a Go from my gynecologist, somewhat around week 20. If I do not feel like I'll be okay with them knowing, I won't tell them either.

I like reading all the answers to those crazy questions here. Please don't stop asking.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Thanks, everyone. You nailed the dilemma when you said our methods of protecting ourselves look an awful lot like manipulation and passive-aggressive behavior on the surface.