Here we go again...

[wisingup]

Hi everyone - well, we are giving it another go.  It's been 3 years of LC to NC to VVVLC.  I have reached out some (mostly in the beginning) and she has reached out some in the later period but each has resulted in her telling me why I'm wrong to feel the way I do and how she doesn't remember behaving the way I describe.  I had come close to making peace with the status quo - that if she did not reach out to say she had made some changes, or would try to, that we would go on in VVVLC forever. 

So she called & left a VM.  She was calm & non-accusatory.  Wants to have lunch.  She sounded grateful that I returned her call.  I agreed to lunch & said that going forward I needed her to understand why this whole thing started.  She said she was still bewildered so I told her that for my whole life, she has taken out her frustrations on the people around her.  If she had a bad day, we needed to have a worse one.  I had reached the point where I was no longer going to take that, and going forward, that will stand.  She actually apologized!  It was a real apology - brief, but with no attempt to rationalize why it was OK to yell at her children whenever bad things happened in her life. 

I went back and read some of our email exchanges.  They were all pretty much that in a nutshell - Mom, please don't unload on me when you have a bad day.  Mom, please don't guilt trip me because your sister's kids took her on vacation & we didn't take you.  Mom, please don't react with hostility when I call you because you think I waited too long between calls.  Mom, please don't sulk because the grandkids watched a movie on Christmas day instead of whatever you had planned in your head.

So we'll see.  I'm happy to have lunch with her if she is pleasant.  Any future unpleasantness will put us right back in VLC.  I anticipate there will be some.  It's just too ingrained in her that when something stressful happens to her, she gets to claim center-of-attention status by freaking out & getting everyone around her to cater to her. 

It would be nice for me though, if we could make it to a place where we occasionally have lunch & can do holidays & I can help with her medical issues on occasion.  The estrangement is still an open wound I would like to be rid of.  I think I've reached a place where my expectations are pretty low & if she can just manage to be nice to me, that's all I want.  I guess that's all most of us want!  It sounds so simple doesn't it?

[moglow]

Wisingup, what you said to her and what you're doing (again) to try and change this relationship took/take courage. It's not easy to walk away regardless of how you've been treated so many times, but it's no less difficult hanging in and trying to have even an occasional lunch or phone call that doesn't end in regrets.

What I see between the lines (having done a lot of the same with my own) is a continuing theme of expectations, both spoken and not. It reminds me of what an old friend on a previous board like Out of the FOG used to say: 
Expectations are disappointments under construction.

I try to keep that in mind, particularly where mother is concerned. Having *any* expectations of her has been an exercise in futility, with me repeatedly being blindsided with all new and fun ways her mind works. I've found it's easier in the long run to just accept whichever personality shows up and roll with it. Lord knows it's changeable enough that nothing is likely to stick for long. By not going in with preconceived notions, it also means my recovery time is shortened after the fact. I have nothing to beat myself up over, and I don't waste energy trying to reinvent the wheel.

You mention having pretty low expectations, and I'm right there with you. What's so damn hard about mutual respect and common decency? We've all seen them treat others better, so why is it different with us?? Unfortunately when I dared voice that to mine, she immediately came back with "because I'M the mother, not you!! You don't tell ME how to behave or what I can or can't do!" Meltdown of epic proportion ensued with her telling all and sundry that I'd attacked her. Yes, all because I dared suggest that we treat each other how we'd like to be treated.

Anyhoo, I do hope you can find some peace with all this. I know too well how it can wreck a person. Tippy toeing through landmines is exhausting!

[popcorn2]

I can relate to many of the situations you are describing here. Why can she be so nice to everyone outside the house and she sounds angry when she talks to me?

I also have expectations, every time lower, but will it be better for me if I just accept that she will never be like I expected? Even if she behaves one day, I will be disappointed soon.