6 months and have finally found a happy medium

[Hilltop]

A big shout out to say thank you to everyone.  Last year I went NC after months of constant mocking and insults from my parents, I wasn't sure how I would feel in the long run. It brought up a lot of emotions I had not only about my parents but my estranged relationship with my sister.  I really dived into it all.

Its been 6 months and I did so much internal work which is continuing however I feel I have turned a corner.  I have come to accept my estrangement with my sister and do not plan to change that or try to reconnect in any way moving forward.  I have spent so many years feeling angry and hurt by it but I have come to accept it and really acknowledge the truth of our relationship and how unhealthy it is.  Thank you so much for all your words and wisdom in helping me accept the situation as is.

As for my parents, my DH and I moved a few hours away.  I feel this has helped enormously.  As my mother sends cards to our house I broke NC to say we were moving however I have come to accept how my parents are and the unhealthy dynamics between us.  I do not plan on seeing them in person even when we return to see friends. Its in person that they will mock or insult or play silly games so I won't put myself in that position anymore.  I plan on communication being solely by text or email on a VLC basis.

When I sent the text saying about the move there was just one question after another one, nothing about the fact that I hadn't spoken to them in 6 months, nothing.  They said the inlaws would miss us but nothing about them missing us or anything emotional at all. It was just 10 questions of information gathering followed by more texts of questions for information gathering.  It feels like for the first time I saw the truth in it and just accepted them as they are.  I felt confident in replying with what I was comfortable with and not saying what I wasn't.  I mean even the fact that such huge news was conveyed via text wouldn't even occur to my mother that its weird or she wouldn't even bring up the fact that we simply don't talk in person anymore.  There is just no depth there.

I think I have really come to accept it and acknowledge that there won't be an emotional connection with them.  The distance gives me an out from feeling obligated to see them or the fear of accidentally running into them locally.  I feel free.  I am happy to text every couple of months and that's it.  I am no longer angry about it.  I no longer believe their opinion about me.  I no longer see myself in the scapegoat role.  I am finding out about myself and learning to believe in myself and that feels good.  I am working on having loving and supportive relationships in my life and building those friendships around me.

As my father has not once in my adult years phoned or texted me, all communication is via my mother, I doubt I will ever speak to him again.  He really has been the one to show his disdain and mocking of me throughout the years so this is no loss to me.  I realise its my mother pulling the strings in the background however for me it will be easier to text every few months and keep it superficial.  If she plays up its easy to put some distance there.

I guess it feels good to no longer expect things to be different.  Of course I feel like at times I will mourn the loss of the family I wanted that will probably always be there however it feels good to accept the way my parents are.  It feels good to not be angry or hurt by their actions because I see it as a reflection of them not me.  My life now will be so far away from them and I feel freedom at simply being away from it all.  Whatever drama they feel the need to conjure up I am simply not around to be affected by it anymore.  Thankyou for listening and advising and sharing all your wisdom, it helped me so much.

[DistanceNotDefense]

This is awesome Hilltop! So happy for you.

I'm glad you're breaking out of that FOG too. It's very very hard and a brave thing to do.

[AlisonWonder]

Hilltop that sounds wonderful.  To what do you attribute your suxcess?  A kind teacher in your childhood perhaps?

[Cat of the Canals]

Congrats on the move and to new beginnings!

I mean even the fact that such huge news was conveyed via text wouldn't even occur to my mother that its weird or she wouldn't even bring up the fact that we simply don't talk in person anymore.  There is just no depth there.

I can really empathize with this, as I had a similar experience with my mother. We moved 1300 miles away a few years ago. I knew my mother would be furious about it, but I allowed her *one* chance to respond like an adult. I floated the move as something we were "thinking" about. First she simply tried to tell me "no" as if I was a child requesting ice cream for dinner. Then she went on a passive aggressive tirade about all the reasons I wouldn't fit in or be able to make it in this new place. I gray rocked through that and was rewarded with the silent treatment.

Meanwhile, my husband and I flew here to see the house we'd already put an offer on. Once she realized the move was imminent and something she couldn't stop with her usual games, she abruptly ended the silent treatment and decided she was *so excited* for us. Hoover hoover hoover. No mention of her previous behavior. No mention of how odd it was that I'd essentially bought a house and already had the move planned without telling her.

In her case, I think it's denial. It's too painful to think on WHY our relationship has no depth, so she sweeps everything under the rug and and pretends this is all perfectly normal!

[Hilltop]

Thanks Distance, AlisonWonder and Cats.

Cats my parents are more the rejecting types, mock and insult and then at times can be fine.  They don't get angry, they just act like everything is fine but when they are upset, they do a smear campaign and the insults start.  Its their behaviour which tells me something is off and then of course I ask them what's wrong and then they tell me that I'm sensitive, depressed and are difficult for asking them what's wrong and making it into an issue.  For my entire life this is the way its been.  So they aren't the rage types.  I'm sorry you had to experience that.  I text now because our relationship is so weird I am not comfortable talking to my mother and obviously she feels the same way as she calls her friends but only texts me.   

My mother doesn't hoover.  To her its my problem and I will get over my "little" issue when I am ready, she thinks I'm depressed and I will come back and then things will resume like clockwork.  I really don't think she can see that it was their behaviour which led to me taking time out.  She can't see that she doesn't communicate when she is upset, she just insults me and puts me down, its like her punishment for whatever she is upset about but she has never actually approached me to talk about what is upsetting her in a loving or respectful manner.  She is incapable of that.  As long as she has her information to gossip about that is all that seems to concern her.  Her reaction to us moving has no emotion in it.  Its a clinical question after question of information gathering to pass on as gossip.  Not even a how are you feeling you seemed upset a few months ago, nothing.

However over the last 6 months and so much time on this forum I can finally see the pattern and understand it so much better.  I simply couldn't see it before and I use to spend so much time thinking we needed to talk or I would be upset because they would put me down and insult me and I felt like I couldn't say anything otherwise I would be labelled difficult.  I have taken a step back from them, I don't feel the need to talk to them anymore on that deeper level, I accept our relationship will remain superficial and distant.  I simply won't be around to hear insults or witness them mock me so I feel protected by that.

Its funny, I guess I spent so many years considering their feelings, such as, they are insulting me what are they unhappy about or oh they lied about me I am upset, I am going to ask them about that because what they said is unfair and this is hurtful behaviour, have I done something to them that they are hurt by which I haven't realised.  Now I see my reactions have been very normal the entire way along.  I doubted myself for many years believing them when they told me this was difficult behaviour.  Now I don't doubt myself.  Now I really see that I can behave how I want to, I can be kind and polite in my own way but if I don't want to answer their texts I really don't have to and if I choose not to see them in person, I really don't have to answer to anyone about that.  I don't need to talk to them anymore.  If my behaviour or distance is baffling or cold to them, that's their problem, they can talk to me about that if they choose but its not my problem. I am not going to be rude to them however I am going to just be how I want to be, which is VLC. I finally understand that how they choose to understand or view that is their problem not mine, I don't feel guilty about it anymore.  I was available for many years  for a warm and loving relationship and even asked them if they wanted to have dinner once a month to see each other, I was told they didn't want to do that, it was too much.  I laugh about it now, dinner once a month is too much for them.

I guess for me I don't take it personally anymore.  Just because they put me in the scapegoat role and told me I was difficult doesn't make it truth.  I don't believe that about myself and I reject the scapegoat role, it is not me.  They can see me how they want to see me, that's not my business or my concern.  I am looking forward to moving on with my life and simply putting my energies into my loving friendships.  I have gotten so much joy in that over the past 6 months and see the difference it makes when you surround yourself with kind, supportive loving friends.  This is my goal moving forward, I am going to be very choosy with who I let in.