inner strength fading

[Anjulie]

Hi, it`s me again. I`ve been reading a lot in the forum and it has been so helpful. Thank you for being here.
Now I`ve been NC for a month, and I am struggling. My inner strength is very low and I can`t control my self harming compulsive behavior (it`s superficial, not dangerous) at the moment. This is a sign for me that I have slipped back into feeling unworthy and guilty and I want to get out that again.

I think the main problem is that I can`t see clearly anymore what the facts are that lead to me going NC. My parents story is that there has been a misfortunate misunderstanding, that the situation was unintended. My sisters believe them. A few days ago my mother sent me an email telling me that if they had contributed to my feeling bad they are very sorry and they would understand fully if I needed space apart from them. She wrote that they always want to give me joy with all they are able to give. And if it then happens, that I get into this situation through a unintended behavior of them, this is also hurting them and they wish we could be loving and kind to each other again. (sorry, I have have trouble to translate german into english). She didn`t name the "situation", though, nor did she say: sorry, we were wrong. And she did`t even mention my last email (more below), where I told them what my problem was exactly.
Even some of the people I trust in and who have wholeheartedly supported me going NC say that the mail is good. However no one (including me) thinks that I should go back. NC is without alternative. I replied that I heard that she was sorry about the situation and that she loves me, but that I liked to let the contact between us rest, nevertheless.
I hear, that she is sorry for the situation and I also hear a kind of love. But it also makes it clear, the behavior could happen any time again. There is no sign that they even know what it was. And no intention to see further into the matter or any behavioral concequences.
So, here I am, having to protect myself, trying desperately to remember what was wrong of them and that could not be subjected to doubt. I try to kling to some facts, the truth about what happened before christmas.
The only people who believe me are those who I told about it. I have so much trouble believing myself.

I`ll try to tell you now what it was before christmas that led to my going NC before christmas. It may get a bit long, but I want to be as accurate as is possible to me.
My fathers birthday is on December 19th and I said I`d come to visit. But on that day I felt worse and worse about it, finally dissociated and had to realize I coudn`t go. I wasn`t able to call him and knew I would not get a message in time, so I messaged my sister to tell him I could`t come because I was feeling bad and that I was very sorry. I felt so guilty, feeling that there would be concequences. Now I think that that sense of foreboding was something that grew in me for the last months because my father showed more and more signs of raising his expectations towards me, going back into the old power dynamic. But I didn`t realize it for while. Next day I called him out of a sense of fear, guilt and obligation to congratulate and offer him to call by to give him his present personally. From the first word I felt he was very disappointed and covertly angry. It was in the tone of his voice, he was talking to me in the same voice in my childhood. He didn`t ask how I was. He was evasive about me dropping by, conveying by hesitating and sighing that it didn`t fit into his timetable, unless one specific time in the evening when he was meeting with my sister and familiy to go out. I couln`t do that.
I asked him if he was dissapointed (I can see now how much I was being the victim, defeated and wanting him to forgive me). He said, if I thougt it alright not to come (to his birthday) then his dissappointment must stand back.
Now, every year on christmas eve, he used to come in the morning to bring a present, which I was okay with. But this year I really was in a crisis and told him that I didn`t know yet if I could manage it. He gave a long sigh full of impatiance and anger. He told me "but it is only". I told him I would see.
After the call I realized I didn`t want him to come and I wrote him that. I said was unsure if I would be fit enought to see him, so I liked to cancel the appointment now so that I didn`t have to cancel it shortly before and meeting his lack of understanding.
He wrote back, that now he was really hurt and that something has broken that he felt was beatutiful, connecting and sustainable. He said that both of them were very sad and that all they could do now was to hope and wish that I`d be better soon and that we have a good christmas together. And they wish very much to hear from me soon.
I replied, that maybe they could remember that I am not as stable as them and that sometimes I have a crisis and cannot come. (I have told them and explained to them a lot in the last years, and they know theoretically that they have a major part in my cptsd).I told them that a cancellation is no offence to them. That in the phone call and mail I had missed compassion and the question of "how are you". I asked, how it could be that after all this time that a canellation could hurt them so much.
They did not respond to this email.
After all this, I knew I had to leave them and protect myself. I would not tolerate and take any risk of being spoken to like that by my father ever again. I guess it was mainly the phone call was what had done it. Just the tone of voice. I went NC without even telling them at first.
Next thing I heard was the mail from my mother I mentioned above.

So, you see, basing my truth on a tone of voice... Somebody else could say easily, you just thought it was there. You know you have flashbacks with people and then perceive threats where in reality it was not a threat at all.
My sisters maybe think that way. But I think, my father has always focused that kind of treatment and tone on me especially. So they might not know him that way or have forgotten it as a part in their distant past.

Oh, writing that was a kind of relief. Thank you for reading. Any thoughts or feelings or experiences would be welcome.
 

[Srcyu]

 Hello,
Going no contact is hard and does not always provide quick relief and one month is not very long. This could be why you feel your strength fading right now.
Your parents have muddled your brain by only putting forward their point of view. You on the other hand, are capable of attempting to see both sides.

Can I just gently point out that responding to your mother's email is breaking the no contact. To keep doing so will possibly make the situation worse for you.

It doesn't matter if someone else believes you misheard or were confused about how they treated you. I too can recall looks and tones of voice. We tend to forgive in an attempt to have some sort of 'normal' relationship with them. That can only work for so long.

We challenge our parents unintentionally because our way of 'being' does not suit them. We don't reflect back to them what they would like to see.

[Anjulie]

Hello Srcyu,

There's so much in your answer, so much to think about, thanks a lot.

Thank you for pointing out that I broke the no contact with answering her email. I wasn't aware of that, I thought it was best to answer because I hadn't told them yet that I was going no contact. But you're right, I was stepping back into the relationship and I don't want to do it again.

What you say about challenging our parents by being the way we are really resonates with me. Even if I feel weak at the moment, I can still feel some relief that I don't have to reflect back to them what they would like to see anymore.

What I really want, with all my heart, is walk away with dignity, build my own life and be able to let go of what they might think.

[bloomie]

Anjulie - I am so sorry for how things have devolved with your parents to the point you need to step back and away. There are few decisions more difficult to make then this, and as Srcyu points out, it has only been a short time living with this decision, so you are most likely at a very vulnerable stage.

I wanted to point something out that I hope is helpful that may be a pattern I can see because for a very long time I didn't see it in my own interactions with my parents.

Your father's feelings... about you not being able to see him on his birthday or not feeling up to him stopping by on Christmas Eve morning... those are his responsibility to work through and manage.

Did you ever make an agreement with your parents (grown adults) to make sure you never disappointed them or always acted in ways (no matter how you are feeling) that will create a relationship with them where they are never hurt or wished something between you were different? Did you ever make an agreement with them that you would allow them to speak to you however they wished, even disrespectfully, because you didn't do something they wanted or have always done in the past?

Do you see were I am going here? So often in my own family system it was filled with unspoken expectations on my parents' part that they established and that I never agreed to. And I learned, from their disappointments and displeasure, when I didn't live up to those expectations that the relationship and their treatment of me would change and become very painful.

I hope you see that as grown adults we are each responsible to handle our disappointments and hurts ourselves. We don't look outside ourselves to our adult children, or others, and expect them to never let us down and always stay in close relationship with us no matter our behavior. That is not what mature, loving relationships look like.

And you know it. And you are rightly responding to it and distancing yourself from their behaviors and pervasive unrealistic expectations of you.

It is near impossible to explain to a possibly emotionally immature parent or parents why the way they operate, they way they 'do' family, does not work for us. It is near impossible, in my own experience, for parents who have these tendencies to ever even want to see or understand why we cannot be close to them and give them what they fully expect and may see as their rights as parents.

You can email them and try and explain and I can see how that would be a loving thing to do with parents who have ears to hear and eyes to see and an ability to adjust their expectations and behaviors, but with those that do not, the most loving thing that we can do is to be consistent in our messages to them.

If we need time away we can communicate that verbally, in writing, but we don't have to. We can just take the space and time we need because that is our human right and the message of our distance is consistent until such a time (if ever) we choose to reengage a bit.

I have heard it said that we cannot heal in the same environment we got sick in. I have found that to be true and a kind of powerful reminder that creating peace and rest around you is vital for your healing. You are depleted, and it is understandable that you are, and you know in your knower what you need. Despite anyone else's opinions and thoughts - you know what you need to heal. Trust yourself!

And keep coming back and sharing as you are able and let us know how you are doing!

[moglow]

Anjulie, I'm sorry they find guilt trips more satisfying than simple questions like "how are you? is there any way we can help? You just need some time alone? i understand completely, let us know if that changes. hope things lift for you and you feel better soon. we love you." But no. Here we are.

A few years ago I got a last minute invitation to a retreat I'd been on the waitlist for - it's a soothing peaceful place I'd discovered several years before and was so glad to be able to go again. Since it was last minute they offered a discounted rate and it resolved my acceptance. It fell on the weekend of mommie dearest birthday and I knew I wouldn't have any cell coverage while I was onsite, so I mailed her a card and even called her during my drive up to the retreat. I called again on my way home a few days later [the day after her birthday]- she didn't answer, didn't respond to texts. Huh. Well that's not a good sign. Brother confirmed that he'd just left her house himself and she was "testy." 

When I did talk with her later [maybe the next day?] she was LIVID that I'd dared make a roadtrip "for her birthday." Um no, the trip wasn't "for" your birthday, they had a cancellation and it happened to fall that weekend. "Oh I SEE! They HAPPENED to have just one opening on THAT day? I'm SO glad YOU got to get away..." the conversation went straight into the septic tank from there. It really didn't occur to her that not only was there was no reason for me to not take the trip, but she'd been vile [or not speaking at all] to me for quite a while before. I'd certainly given no indication that I was planning to visit on her birthday or any other day, hadn't in a long time. I realized later I'd have been better off to have disregarded her birthday entirely, the way so many of my own had been over the years. But that's not who I chose to be, not then anyway.

I share all that to say that sometimes in this world, we're doomed if we do and doomed if we don't. Some can't and won't find happy no matter how it's presented, even tied up in a neat and tidy bow on top. We have to decide who *we* want to be, not who they expect us to be. We're the ones we live with every day. All I know to do is treat others as I'd like to be treated, celebrate their wins and mourn their losses, spread more kindness wherever I can. [I also share nothing with her about my life now - it's just less painful that way.]

We're here with you!

[Anjulie]

Dear bloomie and moglow, thank you for sharing your thoughts and experience and for giving me some advice in this situation. And for being here with me, I don`t feel so lost anymore.
At the moment I am completely exhausted and cannot write anymore today. I`ll be back soon.

[moglow]

Just breathe and practice some good self care - find and delve into those things that soothe you and bring you peace, however small they may be. Long hot baths, music, maybe a good scented candle or essential oils to breathe in, walk or sit in any available sunshine, leisurely breakfast or lunch at a cozy cafe with a friend [or by yourself if you prefer]. Those are some of my favorites and I employ them all.

We're here with you.

[moglow]

Me again:

I understand the need to withdraw, to gather myself and recharge. I do it on the regular. For me, times of no contact with mommie dearest have helped me clear my mind and address my own stuff without interference. It's not punitive or intended to hurt anyone in any way and if that's the way others take it, that's all on them. I've got enough of my own. I can't do both and shouldn't have to. Mother, on the other hand, goes all pouty silent treatment over any hint that she's not the center of my universe and all thoughts don't cycle around her.

We should be able to safely say, I'm struggling right now and trying to work through some stuff. No there's nothing you can do and no I don't want to talk about it. That you/we can't without fears of their responses [reprisal?] is sad to me.

[Anjulie]

bloomie,
thank you so much for your kind words.

No, there was no agreement that I would never do something that hurt them. Thank you for reminding me that it is their responsibility to work through their feelings and that it is not my responsibility to fulfill their expectations. And that healthy relationships do not work that way.

I did a lot of explaining in the last years and I saw that they did indeed some adjustment of their expectations and behaviors. But in the end I had to realize that those changes weren´t changes on a deep level. Or maybe the changes got buried by much older behavior and thinking patterns. Now, however, they are back to what you describe: they don´t want to see, they don´t want to understand.

You wrote that the most loving thing that we can do is to be consistent in our messages to them. Yes, thank you for showing me a way to be a loving human being even in this situation. I had times when I lashed out to people, especially to my parents and shouted at them all my bitterness and even hatred (that was when I first went no contact). I don´t want that and I don´t need that anymore. "Taking the time and space we need", this is what I try to do, and it feels so soothing so kind to myself, and I am not used to that.

"I have heard it said that we cannot heal in the same environment we got sick in. I have found that to be true and a kind of powerful reminder that creating peace and rest around you is vital for your healing. You are depleted, and it is understandable that you are, and you know in your knower what you need. Despite anyone else's opinions and thoughts - you know what you need to heal. Trust yourself!" - This is so powerful.

[Anjulie]

moglow,

thank you for sharing and being with me!

It´s just my feeling , but it sounds to me that your mother is enjoying herself giving you a hard time, like she loves it. I can sooo relate! Like you say, they find guilt trips more satisfying. How horrible. And yes, we can decide who we want to be. "All I know to do is treat others as I'd like to be treated, celebrate their wins and mourn their losses, spread more kindness wherever I can." What a beautiful statement! This gives me hope.

I gather from your words that you take regular timeouts but are still in contact with herat other times. I think it shows so much strength that you can take those timeouts to recharge and leave her reaction with her.

Thanks so much for your ideas how I could find rest and practice self care. This helped me. Just breathing is my favorite at the moment :-)

[moglow]

Anjulie it's taken a lot of time and practice, many painful adjustments and reinforcement along the way. Acceptance of her limitations has been hard won and I still argue it within myself at times.

Mother isn't just hard on me. I believe in my soul I wasn't wanted and am certainly not appreciated, not as her child or as a fellow human. She digs down deep into mean and spiteful - as as you suspect, she likes it. Enjoys it. Seems to stay on the lookout for opportunities to spread more of it. She's just not a kind or loving person - somehow I thought I could make that happen or bring it out of her but nah. She is who she is, so I practice avoidance for the most part. When I'm down or in pain or "less than" it's a hard pass for me - she senses it and will stomp me down further if she can get a foothold.

Separating ourselves from their expectations is hard, but necessary. We don't have responsibility for those expectations or even explaining to them how that's not who we are. Same as us, they get to deal with their own disappointments - we can't fix that for them.

Find compassion and kindness and love within and for yourself, then you can share it. Trying to be what they expect and explain all the many reasons why that's unreasonable will only deplete you further.

We'll be here.

[treesgrowslowly]

Hi Anjulie,

Welcome. I am sorry that you are going through this, but also glad you are here with us on the boards.

If you've been reading through past posts in the forum, you may have seen some of my story already. I went NC with my parents years ago, and have been walking through life as an 'emotional orphan'. The NC didn't make me an emotional orphan - their lack of nurturing did.

I had two thoughts come to me as I read your original post and the thread.

First, I suspect that you are feeling responsible for your parents feelings, in a way that is familiar for those of us who grew up with immature parents. Parents who don't take responsibility for their own needs, the way that they should. Bloomie and Moglow spoke to this already, and I hope you feel validated by us - it is very common to have immature parents who don't want their adult children to have their own voice and decisions. That doesn't mean it is easy to cope with.

Second thought I had was about what you wrote "to be able to let go of what they think".

In my experience, this happens as part of the process, and is not something we can really work on directly. In my opinion, "letting go" of what people think of us, is like trying never to think of the colour blue and as soon as we try to do that, our brain thinks about....blue!

In my view, and experience, it is the process of holding on to what we think and feel, that takes over the space in our bodies where the concern for them was so strong for so long. As children of parents like this, we gave them a lot of our mental energy - and so there's a process of slowly focusing on yourself more and more often, and this process edges out the space in our minds and bodies, to get concerned all over again, with what they think.

Over time, you become more and more concerned with how you're doing with your needs, and that act is what relieves us of thinking about what people think of us, even our own parents. Even when as kids, we had to stay concerned with what our parents needed, because they were putting us in that role.

The challenge for me after NC...when we take the focus onto ourselves, after all of the drama with our immature parents, the first emotions we meet up close are grief and anger, and those are some of the hardest emotions to hold on to. People do all sorts of things to cope with those feelings. With immature parents, we were not even taught how to cope with small doses of those feelings, and so when the big waves of grief and fear comes over us after a month or so of NC, it can be scary. I remember not knowing how to 'know' when the wave would crest and give me some relief. In those early months of NC.

I was not happy about having to get to know myself as an adult child of narc parents, while also learning how to grieve for the first time in my life. It felt like trying to do too much at once. This is why good therapists are helpful to us at that point, because they can help us to organize the work we're doing. The grief we feel and the fear and the different things we know how to do to self-soothe while we ride the waves after going NC.

I think that a good therapist for those who are newly NC, is one who understands how overwhelmed we feel at times after going NC with parents. As you wrote, some of your friends get it, but few people really 'get' how overwhelming this process can be, unless they've been through it.

You wrote that you want to "walk away with dignity and build my own life". I see it. You are walking with dignity, you are building your own life, and in time you'll feel that more and more.

Trees

[Anjulie]

moglow,
I am so sorry that it is like this with your mother. You can be very proud of all the work you put in to accept her limitations, which is a word that shows in itself how far you have come.
Thanks for reminding me that self love comes before love for others.

[Anjulie]

Hi trees,

thank you for the welcome and your thoughts and sharing your experience, it is so helpful to me. I was totally exhausted in the last days. Today  I feel fear and anxiety. It is like you say, loads of feelings that are hard to hold. And I sleep a lot. I am so grateful that I can sleep.

Yes, I feel very validated by you!! It makes such a difference, just knowing that you understand, you've been through it to and "get it". It's true, I feel responible for their feelings. But I can feel the load already lifting a bit by being here.

Your words about letting go of what my parents might think and that it is a process makes so much sense. With me, guilt is the most toxic feeling. It comes when I think of what they think and how I do not do what they want. I have developed a strategy to block those feelings when they get existentially threatening. So that I am able to turn my back on someone or a situation. At the moment, I think I am blocking the guilt. But it is there as a kind of felt absence. In my experience, with time, it will come back later in smaller doses which I can handle better. The process you describe gives me hope, that I can grow into myself with time. I remember that at other stages in my life, I have experienced this process myself.

Today I realized that my inner occupation with doing art ( I am relatively new to art) put a lot of pressure on me. I thought watching videos about art was good for me, but it turned into a flight response. And I could't find the me in my art, and I was afraid to make a single brush stroke. But when I did yoga I felt I was so agitated, nearly dissociated. It helps to think it is all a process and not to think I've messed things up again.

I have been thinking of beginning a therapy (again, had loads of it...) and will talk to my psychiatrist about it. My husband brought it up and a crisis counselor which I can go to when I'm in a crisis. My feeling is that I don't need it (yet) but I am open to what he says. My feeling is that I need time and rest. But then, finding a good therapist will take time... I'll see.

"I see it. You are walking with dignity, you are building your own life, and in time you'll feel that more and more." Thank you so much.

[Anjulie]

Second thought: I do experience guilt, but not nearly as much as I know that is there.

[Anjulie]

I think it is all about my own sense of identity and self which was nearly lost (destroyed) in my childhood by my father. Listening to my body also was impossible for most of my life because of dissociation. But for some years now, I am slowly learning to tune in to myself, even to relax sometimes. For me, that has been a real gamechanger and is still there now. I try to stay with myself. I exist apart from my parents, and I am worthy of breathing and moving. Step by step, one hour at a time.

[treesgrowslowly]

Hi Anjulie,

It does get less scary over time. At the start, it was overwhelming a lot.

You mentioned yoga. When I went NC, no one really understood much. I'd go to yoga class, because that is what a lot of us did and yet the yoga was not good for me at that time. What I needed back then was a counsellor who understood that sometimes, while recovering from abuse, maybe yoga class is not going to be relaxing yet.

Honestly yoga is still not something that works for me. As you know already, we all find our way to what works for us. Through trial and error. 

Have you heard of the internal family systems approach to healing? It might be helpful. It is about looking at the parts of ourselves that take over during different times in our life.

Trees

[Anjulie]

Yes, we are all different in what helps us. And that may change from time to time. For me, in the last years it was an online trauma yoga class offered by CPTSD-Foundation. But before that I couldn't handle any kind of body-centered approach.

Thank you for mentioning the internal family systems approach, I`ve heard of it. I think it sounds really good. I had Therapy, many, many years of it (absolutely necessary and very helpful), and I would go and look for a therapist as soon as I needed more help and guidance with what I am experiencing.

But at the Moment, I feel I just need to be and feel what is there, and I find I can hold it at the moment. It is hard, but it is also liberating to allow and be able feel those feelings.

Thank you for being here!