Stabilization phase

[Therivercontinueson]

Just a discussion/some thoughts - I was just speaking to a psychologist friend who mentioned to me the concept of the stabilization phase after a traumatic event, before one can move into healing/reprocessing and integration of the trauma. I was thinking how NC can be somewhat of a stabilization, in removing oneself from an ongoing trauma and instead finding a safe space after it. I was wondering if anyone else saw NC this way, and how long that phase might be before beginning to work on healing/integration of what happened. I know for myself doing healing work while still in contact with my N parents helped me a bit, but it didn't really fix the cptsd totally. Now almost a year of NC, I am thinking to go back and try again, but from a new place of NC (and not an ongoing trauma)

[moglow]

River, you're on to something! To me no contact isn't about "them" at all, but for and about us. There's a big difference between no contact and silent treatment, and not everyone grasps that. Either can change at any time, but it's the intent that makes the difference. Silent treatment is directed and and punitive towards the other person, a "take THAT!" if you will. No contact is more of a big deep breath of fresh air and a whole other kind of silence.

Over the years I've had several chunks of time where I took a large step back and away from mother, and it did help me stabilize. I didn't make a big announcement or make it about her at all - I took it for myself. Without the incessant chaos that's such a huge part of her, I could actually think things through and see her for who she is. I could hear what's been said, see what's been done. When it's going on all around us, it's damned hard to stop and focus. We're all off kilter because they are off kilter.

[treesgrowslowly]

Hi River,

I agree with what Moglow shared. You are on to something!

So I am old enough to remember how therapists approached the topic of NC "back in the day" i.e. about 25 years ago or so. Back then I had a therapist tell me that she refused to work with certain clients because they were still in contact with their (narcissistic) parents. That was a hard line she took.

Its possible that she said this because of the value of stabilization in order to get further along with the recovery process. It doesn't mean that people don't benefit from therapy while they are still on contact with someone abusive, but the distance from that abuse (through NC) definitely helped me. And in my case, I really don't think I was going to stabilize while still in contact with my parents. It just wasn't possible. They are too de-stabilizing. Their lives are chaos and NC was the only way for me to get some stability in my life.

I see cptsd as a condition where the symptoms can get reduced (some can go away completely over time). I think it can go into 'remission' when we get more treatment for the symptoms we've still got - so that they don't cause problems for us as often or in such a painful way anymore. Do you have some worries about going back into therapy for the cptsd?

I was recently listening to a recording from Patrick Teahan who is a trauma therapist in the US. He did mention that with good trauma therapy, things can get a bit harder before they get easier. There can be some depression at the start of the therapy for trauma, and you want a therapist who knows how to help you through that part. I had mostly therapists who didn't seem to know how to support that part, which was hard. I hope more of them do learn how to help clients with the steps in the process to treat cptsd.

Trees