Privileged Therapy Retreats

[LiftedOut]

My sibling goes off on these very expensive therapy intensives. Comes back with all the answers.  She has pegged our poor (Late) mom for all these disorders. If I defend her, I'm just not informed. The truth is...my sibling was a brat to her...and i know my mom did have some disordered tendencies.  I have since started therapy and was told I don't know what I'm talking about when I tried to share MY insights and experiences.  So because she's literally spent nearly 250K on specialized therapy intensives and retreats she is the expert. She has even arm chair diagnosed my precious daughter with a disordered personality.  A daughter that does struggle, but has endured abuse by my sister.

I have so much to say but having a sister go to posh retreats and then return to vomit 🤮 out her insights to me when I think they are manipulating and skewed to boost her own ego. It's making me need therapy just to deal with her.

Our income levels are quite different. I can't afford what she can. It's just not fair for her to think she knows it all just because of her little week away retreats. But if I say that to her it would cause an uproar.

[xredshoesx]

i'm sorry you are going through this with her.  i'm a lot older than my dad's other children, and was raised in a completely different household so our experiences with him are VAST and completely different to the point that we have little to no common ground. i wonder if that is playing a role in her need to be like this bc the way she experienced your mother is not the same way you did.

think of it this way.  you reached out and educated yourself FOR FREE.  you didn't need a posh spa getaway to figure it out.  vent here when you can and try to not let it get at you.  it would be so healing for you BOTH if she could approach it in a different manner, but her having to be that sage/ know it all takes that opportunity away.

[Leonor]

The very best, most healing, knowledgeable, compassionate and powerful work I did in my healing journey was a low-cost, sliding-scale weekly group therapy for female abuse survivors at a local community center, led by two retired therapists. And the lot of us were flat broke, sitting on broken down furniture, and a hot mess to boot, and the stories I heard kept me up at night - while the inner nobility and grace of these women kept me going.

Look into your local health clinic, community center, place of worship, college campus, domestic violence agency ... There are resources out there, and many awesome therapists will work with you on a sliding scale.

Money has nothing to do with healing!

[moglow]

We all have our stuff and everyone's experiences are different, even within a family. Growing up within the same household still doesn't mean we grew the same - case in point right before you, ya know? 

I guess my question is, what has your sister gained *for herself* from these froufrou retreats she's so intent on and why the need to detail her expenditures? Has she looked at and worked on her own behaviors or is she [as it appears] simply turning that around on those around her? I'm afraid I'd have to decline participation in those conversations, change the subject, limit her access to me or whatever. She could build her ego elsewhere.

Maybe find and build your gray rock: "Oh?" "Really." "Interesting." "I hear you." Flat, dull, uninterested responses. Slough off whatever she feels the need to spew and understand it's nothing to do with you, but allllllll about her.

[LemonLime]

Agree with Moglow.  I think it's fairly common for people to go to seminars or retreats and come back as "better than".  The armchair diagnosing goes right along with that.  Gray rock seems like a good response to this.  It could keep you safe and make you an uninteresting person to brag to.
More and more I am seeing that being uninteresting to high-conflict people (and many other people, for that matter) keeps my life peaceful.
Good luck.  This is not easy.  Try not to JADE.  Stay Out of the FOG.

[LiftedOut]

Everyone, thank you!  You're responses are all so insightful and helpful!  She is close to my age, but younger. She's said that our experiences are different due to our own personal stories. I'm so glad she gets that.

[Petite_Potatoe]

Yeah honey get a therapist. My brother did this to me, and then used therapy speak to abuse me. It's very dangerous to be in a dysfunctional system and not have your own psychological advocate. For a minute it was my brother trying to manipulate my therapist. Things got really hectic and I have cut contact the best i am able to right now.

My brother probably has NPD- it's an armchair diagnosis that I would never let him or his friends get wind of. A few mutual that grew up with both of us are informed cause I made them choose lol! I think armchair diagnosis is VERY MUCH needed when that person ABUSES YOU. Doing that to a child is incredibly messed up, especially because my brother didn't display NPD traits until his late 20s-- like there was a lot of time to intervene! (Maybe it's not that way for everyone, but for the CHILDREN we must HOPE!)

250k of therapy, but she is still the windows to her world.

My friend moved here from Australia to get away from her mom. Unfortunately/Fortunately she got her mom into therapy before she left. Her mom is ABSOLUTELY an individual with NPD, like TEXTBOOK CASE, and that woman's therapist has diagnosed every boyfriend she gets with NPD. It's really silly how things can all work out.

Also only 1 out of 10 therapists are worth your time. I recommend Open Path Collective (google it) to find someone more affordable. Someone with a PD is obviously going to find one of the 9 to go along with their shit.