How to stop interacting with PD brother (when in contact/low contact with FOO)

[mary_poppins]

**This post contains mentions of animal neglect/abuse**

Hi all. How is everyone doing here?

The title may be confusing I know but I didn't know how to explain it. Basically, I have an NPD brother (he is more a bully but has all the NPD traits, he was not diagnosed, though) who has an adult dog that loves to hang out with me (and vice versa).

This brother doesn't treat his dog properly, he neglects him a lot (I think I talked about this dog here on Out of the FOG), last time I picked him up to care for him for an weekend, he was really dirty, his fur (has a big fur) turned from black to grey because of all the dust and dirt stuck in it.
He also doesn't treat him well, he yells at him when the dog doesn't listen and hits him with the leash on his face. On top of all this, he doesn't give him enough water or food-when I take him for a walk he looks skinnier and starts eating tissues or old bones off the ground. As you can see, this dog was never trained and is doing whatever he wants.

But the worst my brother did was to let him off leash in a park once (he walks him without a leash and that is illegal where I live but does he care?) which led to him going to a big dog and starting a fight. That dog was leashed and in order to protect himself bit my brother's dog on the leg and he's now limping badly and doctor said he may never recover because he's old/the breed has brittle bones OR he may have to do an operation to go into full recovery-my brother refused the operation and so here we are.

Anyway, I know it is not my responsibility to care for this dog, my brother bought him as a puppy long time ago and did his best to care for him with the limited capacity an NPD has. BUT I feel extremely sorry for him. Every time I need to return the dog back to his place my heart sinks in my stomach because he's so neglected there-he also doesn't wanna go there sometimes.

However, I want to stop trying to help this dog because I know I can't take the dog from my brother (he doesn't wanna donate it to me even though he doesn't really care about him), I can't steal it and although I do wanna report him to animal protection for the neglect, there is a high probability they won't be able to do anything. The best thing would be to just stop interacting with my brother, move away from him and reporting his behavior. Even though not much might happen, at least I've done something.

I'm the type of person who would rather save a dog than a human that's why I'd rather stay in touch with brother to try and help his dog as much as I can, even though that means hurting myself.

It is frustrating to interact with PD brother because each time I take the dog he has something to criticize about the way I take care of him (yep, he is abusing his dog and then he dares critizing me for not doing enough for him-see the narcissitic pattern here? he does the same with people) and it makes me feel very bad. No matter how much I do for the dog, it's never good enough. Not even once he said thank you for caring for him (I used to give him baths and cut his loose hairs-he never washes him and the dog stinks because of it), on the contarary, he has something negative to say every time. So I am done with my brother although this means I'm done with the dog, too

I would appreciate any word of comfort from you guys, especially if you have been in the same situation-if you had to care for a family dog/pet who was neglected by your PD family and got not thank you from them. The NPD's entitlement is so infuriating, it makes me very mad how these people can just take advantage of us and have no guilt or remorse about it.

Thanks!

[WonderOverWorry]

I feel for you in this situation - dog lover myself.
One small thing I want to point out: you take care of the dog because of the love for the dog (bathing, going on walks, grooming, etc.) Don't let anger or resentment towards your brothers ungrateful attitude taint that.

I used to do that with my sibling and their children - allow my sibling's critique of my interaction with their kids to make me feel bad about myself and the situation as a whole. It began to make me resent spending time with them because no matter what, in my sibling's eyes, nothing I did was ever good enough. I finally had the realization that my ONLY goal to spend time with my nephews was to enjoy time with them and I was letting my resentment overshadow the joy I experienced with them.

[Rebel13]

I really feel you here mary_poppins!  Fellow animal lover here.  I recently have distanced myself from a former friend whose children I absolutely doted on, BECAUSE of how the friend was continually verbally abusive to the children during all the time we spent together.  For a while I tried to maintain the relationship just to have contact with the kids, but eventually the pain of watching him constantly criticize and demean them became too painful and too triggering of my own past treatment by my hypercritical parents.  Other friends suggested talking to my friend about the behavior -- I thought this would just make the friend angry and I wouldn't get to see the kids anyway, which was my only goal.  Another friend suggested offering child care but for various reasons I didn't think that would work either.  So I haven't seen them in a while and I miss them.  The older child has my phone number and sometimes texts me, so at least I know she can reach me if she really needed to.  It does just break my heart to think of two more kids being raised the way I was, to believe everything they do is wrong and bad when they're just being kids, and there's nothing I can do about it.

In a different vein, I have friends who did steal dogs that were being mistreated. Even if you can't keep the dog, you might be able to work with a rescue organization who might agree in advance to take the dog if you brought it to them.  Just something to think about.

I wish you the best of luck in coping with this difficult situation.

[mary_poppins]

I feel for you in this situation - dog lover myself.
One small thing I want to point out: you take care of the dog because of the love for the dog (bathing, going on walks, grooming, etc.) Don't let anger or resentment towards your brothers ungrateful attitude taint that.

I used to do that with my sibling and their children - allow my sibling's critique of my interaction with their kids to make me feel bad about myself and the situation as a whole. It began to make me resent spending time with them because no matter what, in my sibling's eyes, nothing I did was ever good enough. I finally had the realization that my ONLY goal to spend time with my nephews was to enjoy time with them and I was letting my resentment overshadow the joy I experienced with them.

Wow I didn't realize that I was doing that. My resentment towards the dog was because of my brother. Thx, I guess these things happen when you're interacting with PD people.

[mary_poppins]

I really feel you here mary_poppins!  Fellow animal lover here.  I recently have distanced myself from a former friend whose children I absolutely doted on, BECAUSE of how the friend was continually verbally abusive to the children during all the time we spent together.  For a while I tried to maintain the relationship just to have contact with the kids, but eventually the pain of watching him constantly criticize and demean them became too painful and too triggering of my own past treatment by my hypercritical parents.  Other friends suggested talking to my friend about the behavior -- I thought this would just make the friend angry and I wouldn't get to see the kids anyway, which was my only goal.  Another friend suggested offering child care but for various reasons I didn't think that would work either.  So I haven't seen them in a while and I miss them.  The older child has my phone number and sometimes texts me, so at least I know she can reach me if she really needed to.  It does just break my heart to think of two more kids being raised the way I was, to believe everything they do is wrong and bad when they're just being kids, and there's nothing I can do about it.

In a different vein, I have friends who did steal dogs that were being mistreated. Even if you can't keep the dog, you might be able to work with a rescue organization who might agree in advance to take the dog if you brought it to them. Just something to think about.

I wish you the best of luck in coping with this difficult situation.

Thanks for your empathy, I feel like no one understands me. My support group keeps telling me to report the abuse and take the dog but they don't know how difficult the situation is. It's not black and white and, if I lived in USA, it would have been a totally different situation. The police would be on my side and would do something (I live in Eastern Europe and the system is corrupt here)

And I'm sorry that you had to let go of your friend's kids. I felt the pain in your words. I would have wanted to help them too or report the abuses. I don't know what else to say/do now. I guess crying helps..