Does your PD parent have a tendency to hoard in any way?

[JustKat]

She is very closely connected to things, her things, HER things, and wanting everyone else's things. I'm sure it's a control thing.

My nMother was also extremely possessive of HER things, not wanting anyone else near them. When she got her cancer diagnosis my GCsister emailed me to say she was going to help sell off NM's doll and bear collection in order to keep it out of my father's hands, since he would likely donate the items to needy children. She wanted complete control over where those dolls went, specifically to adult collectors. Impoverished people were beneath her and they'd be getting her stuff over her dead body. Pun intentional.

My NM wanted everyone else's things too. She stole several items from me when I was a kid; things that were given to me as Christmas and birthday presents. If she liked it she just took it. I still grieve over the loss of one beloved item (a hand-carved seal) my grandmother gave me as a child. NM kept it on display in her room. I should have just stolen it back but ended up going NC before I had the chance. She would raid all of our Christmas gifts, take what she liked, and after that it was HERS.

[No.]

JustKathy,

That is heartbreaking. I'm so sorry that happened. I've had a little of that too from mine, but not to that extreme. Displaying your beloved seal. What an absolute demonic person. Seriously.

They just can't think of how anyone else would feel. At all. It's proven over and over, and yet we still struggle because we are looking for any sign of humanity there that we must have missed.

It's also sad she would be so resentful of the poor, but I'm wondering, would any modern day children really want an old dusty collector's doll anyway? (I'm just picturing someone I know's hoarded doll collection. No thanks!) That would be someone thing like my Ngm would give us for christmas, and we'd have to act like we liked it. I know this is off topic, but one year when I was about 14, I got an ashtray for christmas from my gm. I think I looked kind of confused, but she said "it's special because the amish made it".. I smiled and acted gracious on cue, but WTF? I wasn't a smoker. I digress.

[tob-ler-one]

My mother was a bit of a collector. It took me a long time to realise that she was really over the top with the spending. I was very blind to it. I actually gave some of the things away that she'd collected, instead of selling them. How dumb.

[JustKat]

JustKathy,
That is heartbreaking. I'm so sorry that happened. I've had a little of that too from mine, but not to that extreme. Displaying your beloved seal. What an absolute demonic person. Seriously.

Thank you, No. Most people would think I'm crazy to grieve so much over a childhood toy, but most people don't understand what people like us have been through. After my Nmother died my GCsister emailed me several times, mostly fishing trips to get my address and other info out of me. I asked her to return the seal, at which point she stopped replying to me. I'm pretty sure she has it now and is keeping it to spite me. She's become as rotten as NM was.

It's also sad she would be so resentful of the poor, but I'm wondering, would any modern day children really want an old dusty collector's doll anyway?

Actually, my mother's doll collection consisted of some very expensive collector dolls, Madame Alexander and American Girl (I don't know much about dolls but apparently those are valuable). I'm pretty sure the whole thing about my father donating them to needy kids was a made up lie to turn me against him, and of course, throw in a little bigotry for good measure. He was so committed to her I seriously doubt he would have donated them or given away anything that belonged to her. The maddening thing is that Nmother never worked a day in her life and those dolls were paid for with enDad's money. They ended up with GC sister who has been slowly selling them on eBay. She's making a killing on them but she can have them. I'd be totally creeped out by having any of Nmother's dolls in my house. They'd probably come after me like Chucky.

[No.]

For real! There must be some bad juju in those dolls.

Talking about your seal, that has brought up some memories of Nm completely disregarding and/or throwing away some of my favorite things. That is something that still bothers me-the lack or regard or respect. It really hurt me she would do that, but I immediately choked it down each time feeling not allowed a feeling about it, and definitely not a say. If I brought it up she ripped me to shreds for something so "stupid." She was/is vile.

One was a christmas ornament. it was my favorite from a young age. My GM gave it to me when I was one and it was one and it was always a special moment for me to place it on the tree, at the bottom, as I did as a kid. Nm got rid of that ornament. I asked her where it was and she said she had cleaned out to make room for the new (since when?) even though all the other old ones were there. She tossed my art projects that won awards, and my Atari, which would be worth a lot now, but I would have liked to have HAD it. My entire CD collection was taken from her unlocked car and she scoffed when I asked her to ask insurance about it. Didn't care a wink. And she took all of my favorite clothes and suitcases that were college graduation gifts from my aunts and uncles to Cancun where it was all stolen. She gave me "part" of the insurance $ which was about $50. And so on...But, taking your gift and displaying it in her room is on another level. 

[tob-ler-one]

She tossed my art projects that won awards, and my Atari, which would be worth a lot now, but I would have liked to have HAD it.

*waves in Atari*

I miss mine.

[JustKat]

One was a christmas ornament. it was my favorite from a young age. My GM gave it to me when I was one and it was one and it was always a special moment for me to place it on the tree, at the bottom, as I did as a kid. Nm got rid of that ornament.

Wow, this is interesting. Both my seal and your ornament were gifts from our grandmothers. I wonder if that was the real reason for those items being taken from us. My Nmother HATED her own mother, especially since my GM was wise to her abuse and looked out for me. I can't help but think if these items had been given to us by someone of little importance to her (like a school friend) that she wouldn't have taken them.

My NM also stole other items given to me by my GM. When she cleaned out her storage locker she sent me a box of old childhood photos that were all faded and moldy. There were a few other items in there, like Girl Scout merit badges and pins. At the bottom of the box was a locket that was engraved to me from my grandmother when I was just a toddler. I had never seen it before. NM must have taken it and thrown it in that box, forgetting it was there. I was around 50 at the time and was seeing this locket for the first time. My grandmother had already passed away so I couldn't tell her about it. I wonder if she was ever hurt by not seeing me wear it. She would have had no idea that I never received it. I also wonder how many things NM stole from me that I'll never know about.

[No.]

That's a good point, Jk. I always thought it was because it was of special importance to me, but given it was from GM, she probably really loathed that ornament.

I know right toby? She didn't even ASK if I wanted my own atari before throwing it out. She always thought games, and instruments, and books were "stupid." 

[tob-ler-one]

I'm honestly sorry for you that she did that. I suppose I was lucky that my parents knew I valued entertainment like that. It got me through difficult times especially when I was a teenager.

[Apparentlywicked]

I suspect ocpd with my Df. Not a hoarder in the sense of boxes etc but that he had to have at least 6 bags of sugar, tea bags and so on. He would become cross if someone went shopping and didn't get sugar. I saw he had 5 bags already so didn't get the sugar. He was angry. 

Another thing we've noticed is his need to keep things in boxes. Even when they're used regularly. He still keeps his lawnmower in the original box that's falling apart. But you know you can't bin it because he would literally lose his mind and make you feel like a lunatic for binning it.

[whensday]

My mom is very OCPD, undiagnosed officially but my therapist & I have discussed at great length.  It's funny, she referred to what my mom does as "bougie hoarding," in that she uses possessions as a status symbol.  She's not a hoarder in the traditional sense, she's far too obsessed about order, cleanliness and the image of perfection.  She'd always have fancy home decor, and even if a thing wasn't actually worth anything at all, if it was broken or damaged in any way, watch out... I grew up in fear of having friends over because if they messed anything up I'd get yelled at.  She has always been SO protective of her material possessions. "Do you know how much I spent on that?!" "You have no idea what this will be worth someday" "You won't make enough money in your lifetime to replace this!" "This is what I get for trying to make this place look nice"

I never knew her collection of santa figurines that stayed out all year was weird...until in high school, pretty much any friend I had over told me they creeped them out LOL.  For OCPD apparently the hoarding can come through as collections.  Interestingly enough, my mom's sister is what you'd typically think of as a hoarder - more evidence for me that the PD behaviors probably came from my grandparents and beyond..

Oh! And the kitchen gadgets!!!  So many items that do ONE specific thing!  Again, I was an adult before I realized there are simple ways to do things, that don't require a specialty gadget