Year of boundaries

[Pepin]

One of the realizations I have come to recently is that I have amassed a lengthy personal litter trail of discards throughout my life.  I understand that it is natural for people to come and go.  But when I look more closely at those that I have discarded that I had a longish friendship with, it becomes clear that I had bad boundaries. 

This is very hard for me....because obviously upon starting a new friendship, I was excited, felt good and genuinely thought that the other person was someone that would fit nicely into my world.  And then later on, problems would arise and I would feel uncomfortable.

As a result, I've become extremely selective about anyone that I meet now.  I have a few close friends and sometimes I feel like they are even too much for me...thankfully they are part of larger friend groups.  I obviously am not part of a larger friend group.  I have met so many people in my area....and I feel like none of them really are anyone I would like to be friendlier with because we just don't have the same vibe.  I'd either get bored of them or they would get bored with me.

I want to really focus this year on boundaries.  I want to read as much as I can with examples, to really understand.  To date, I am still uncertain about my own personal boundaries....and it has been a challenge to be able to discern between gut feeling and fear.

What are some great books to read?  Online videos...anything.  I just want to drill the concept of boundaries into my head as much as I can to really solidify who I am.  For example, I love guides like Miss Manners or anything that has "rules" because those in a sense, are boundaries that are generally for the "good of all."  It's the gray area that I struggle with because I was raised in a dysfunctional home....and then entered into a dysfunctional in-law scenario.  My in-laws have behaved differently than what I was brought up with, but at the same time, not healthy.  I feel like I spend most of my time removing bad things rather than preventing them in the first place.  I am an introvert but extroverted at the times I need to be.  I tend to mull things over before making an informed decision and I need to be quicker at that, especially around PDs.   

There is much to correct and this is going to be the year to do it with healthy boundaries.

[Spring Butterfly]

Good for you and here to cheer you on - boundaries is one of my most favorite topics. There's some great resources in the Boundaries sticky on this Working on Us forum. Toward the end I gathered links and info from my research. One thing that helped me was tying boundaries into individuating and also coming up with my core values doing a mind map. They were some fun learning and still serve me today as I develop in my personal and work life.

[mdana]

I have read several books on boundaries -- mostly the one's written by Melody Beattie (although the titles don't say "boundaries"). The underlying issue in her books is co-dependence which results in boundary issues.

Here is a link:

https://melodybeattie.com/books/

Beyond that (a while back) I joined CODA (a community support group --co-dependents anonymous). I had a sponsor at one time and it helped me greatly!  They have meetings in every city, town, etc .... and some are online now I hear.  It's a self-help group comprised of volunteers and willing participants, so there is no "professional" person that leads/guides or oversees the group. They do have guidelines and follow the AA approach.

From what I have learned, the issue of boundaries has several root causes and it involves doing "self" work, that is -- working on your "sense of self", which once strengthened and defined -- leads to better boundaries. 

For me, working on boundary work has led me down a beautiful spiritual journey!!

All the best Pepin!

M

[Associate of Daniel]

A book series called "Boundries" by Townsend and Cloud is a good place to start.

All the best with your 2020 quest!

AOD