Working on me

[Jpmom3575]

Going through this forum, the toolbox, and reading. I came here because I'm struggling. Not like my normal fall down, get back up, shake it off, stuff the emotions and pretend it didn't happen struggle. But really struggling.

I am overwhelmed. Sad. Stressed. Anxious. Sick. Spending moments..for the first time EVER in my 47 years..of feeling like the only way out of this pain is to end it all. Struggling and I'm afraid. Truly afraid because I genuinely have never felt this hopeless.

So, at the recommendation of a poster on this forum, I began learning about codependency. I am currently working through the 12 steps (ok. I'm on step 1, but moving). I realize I was the perfect, overachieving codependent. Groomed very well to be a magnet for every narcissistic, psychopathic, manipulative user within 1000 miles. So there's that.

Understanding is great, but the feelings.... I'm afraid of the sheer strength of them. It's like being swept out to sea on a life raft, in a hurricane. I am currently trying to get an appointment with a therapist, I just need to get this out some.

And the tsunami of realizing that I subjected my kids to a house of horrors for their entire lives with my terribly narcissistic (my crisis counselor actually told me he seemed psychopathic) husband because I was so enmeshed and thought I could control things this way. I was terrified he would carry out the threats he made about making our kids disappear if I left him, but honestly I think if I wasn't so enmeshed and so busy thinking I was in control, I would have been able to get past that anyway.

So how do I detach from my daughter's manipulations and control over me when dear God I owe her (and her siblings) their lives back?!

So yeah, that's where I am now. I'm writing through this but I'm struggling with these thoughts and feelings and the freaking memories.

Thank you for letting me vent!!

[1footouttadefog]

Coming to terms with it all is very painful. 

For me it was a complicated grieving process.  There are many stages of grief and with these many complex emotions and the stages don't always process neatly and can be several at once and like an emotional wach a mole game. 

Just remember you were someone baby once and you deserve forgiveness also.  Be kind to yourself and believe that the pain will subside eventually.  Believe that there is still a best possible life ahead of you even if the path there is hard and challenging. 

Practice holistic self care.  Nourish every aspect of yourself even if tiny bits at a time. 

Rebuild your days with things that bring normality even if in tiny steps.  Do what matters even if you don't feel like it.  IE pay bills, clean the bathroom and kitchen and walk the dog. 

Take small times out to be normal even if you don't entirely feel it.  Take a bath, read a magazine, drink a cup of tea, get lunch at a bistro or cafe. 

Listen to music and look at art, take time for spiritual matters, chat with friends and co workers about normal stuff. 

Get Enough Sleep!  Avoid emotionallyy charged entertainment that does not leave you feeling better.  Don't spend time around people where in the interactions cause you to doubt yourself and ruminate etc. ( Likely narcs)

When you have some energy and bandwidth you can process the people in your life and figure out which relationships need adjusted to make them healthier and some adjustments will require low or no contact. 

As you heal, your relationship with your kids will improve.  I know I was hard to be around when I was processing.

For me Anger was the worst, and I hated being that person.  It was so counter to who I am normally.  I felt really ripped off and like decades had been stolen from me.  The lies, deception and that I had bought in to it all was alot to swallow.  Sorting the what was mine and what was not helped. 

[notrightinthehead]

It's hard. I went for long vigorous walks every day. Or cycled. Built up a sweat. I made regular tasks I had to do every day. 20 minutes mindfulness meditation every morning. Googled accept difficult feelings and mindfulness and tried what came up. I printed out 20 ways to love oneself and read it over and over. There is a book "When dad hurts mom" by Bancroft I found helpful. I worked on behaving in a healthy manner with my kids.
It's hard. But it's harder to remain where you are now. Trust the process of growth and healing. We are here for you. We listen. We understand.

[Jpmom3575]

Thank you both so much! I am working the steps daily. I am journaling. I am doing my best to acknowledge when I feel bad it's just residual toxicity. I heard a saying that the difference between helping and enabling is to ask yourself "is this something they are capable of doing themselves?" If the answer is yes, they just won't or I just always do it...then you are enabling not helping. And actually by enabling you are hurting that person and stunting their growth. With my children that has helped me, because I would never want to hurt them. I am having to remind myself every single time, my knee jerk reaction is just to take over and fix things (or TRY to).
With the husband...yeah that's another story. That dynamic needs deeper healing than codependency healing, but I am trying to be patient with myself. I am just so frustrated, and shocked, to dig into this and realize things that remained well camouflaged for so long.
I am grateful for this support! And blessed to have found other people who are on this journey with me or further along.