Boyfriend's ex wife

[hhaw]

Ya, the court doesn't care about BF's gf.

My experience with a GAL for the kids is.... super expensive, super irrelevant, never a drop of discernable, hardly noticed anything but the huge bill and they might have been doing stupid harmful stuff behind the scenes or helpful things.... I just don't know, bc we always had to slug it out in court with evidence.  GAL never provided anything helpful IN THE FILE, verbally or otherwise.  They're attorneys getting paid to do what, I don't know. 

Your BF's attorney should have some experience with high conflict cases, hopefully.  This helps to get attorney's expectations under control which, IME, limits the amount of resources squandered on settlement discussions, getting jerked around with court dates pushed back bc attorneys want to settle, not litigate generally.   All attorneys try to settle, pressure clients into settling, but an attorney who recognizes PDs are typically pathologically unable to settle ANYTHING will keep the settlement discussions breif (always agreeing up front any settlement will be handwritten at the conference, signed and filed/stamped AT that conference or THERE'S NO AGREEMENT AND COURT GOES FORWARD.  Agreeming, without signing handwritten agreement means the PD will dicker, complain, get more out of BF and his attorney then, when it's all agreed AGAIN, decide she really wants to go to trial) while preparing for trial..... keep preparing for trial.  Keep organizing evidence so it can be found easily when needed.  NEVER EVER EVER cancel or push back a court date,  bc the PD says she'll give you something she HAS to give you, or says she'll agree on something she hasn't reallhy agreed to until SHE SIGNS.

I think you BF has solid evidence he's the more stable parent.

I feel you should be left out of the court stuff.... in every way.... bc it's a confusing topic the PD will spin her way.  In all liklihood, provided your BF is calm, very quiet and non reactive to the PD's accusations....
the PD will shoot herself in the foot when she talks about you, how your relationship with her son is harming him, blah blah blah.  The Judge will SEE PD's history with men and assume PD is an bitter hypocrite, at best.  A harmful parental influence on her son, at worst.  Adults shouldn't drag their children into adult conflicts.  Judges CARE about this.

BF asks for the standard instructions.... adults should shield the child from adult conflicts.  No bad mouthing the other parent or saying negative things about the situation to the child.  This just puts the Judge on notice it's happening, IME.  Judges assume everyone is lying and saying bad things, btw... IME.  The only way to show the Judge you aren't doing that is to speak about the PD with unrelenting compassion at all times.  It feels so unfair, but this is a slog, not a sprint.  The PD will likely be her own undoing while you and BF calmly organize evidence so BG and attorney can present it calmly, without judgment or expectation. 

BY zero expectation I mean present their information then let the listeners come to their own conclusions without expectation for what they'll think or do.  TELLING someone what they must do often backfires, even when we're super right about everything and our children are being harmed by the PD..... we MUST STAY NEUTRAL and never ever ever get defensive.

Instead of getting defensive (like when opposing counsel asks an egregiously stupid question) I invite you, bf and his counsel to treat that question as OPPORTUNITY TO EDUCATE your audience.  I learned how to speak about very upsetting topics from an expert witness practicing what my attorney called "verbal jujitsu."  That expert spoke to opposing counsel as though opposing counsel was a small child.... slowly, very few words, overtly earnest and trying to HELP opposing counsel understand the situation.  If we pretend we're speaking to a small child or frightened animal we automatically check our tone and energy.... we simplify and project calm helpful energy.  This is the tone BF should use at any meeting, deposition, hearing or trial date, IME.  THIS is how we avoid being punished for advocating with anger, frustration, bitterness or snarky defensiveness.... those things will make important people HATE whoever speaks them.

LET IT BE THE BIOMOM who does that, bc she likely will once she feels things aren't going her way.  Been there.  Seen it.  Watched the Judge get tired as hell of it and move the trial along more quickly.

No mention  of girlfriends or anything specific. 

The PD will likely have her nose stuck to that gf pebble.  Let your BF SEE the entire field and every pebble.  He should avoid allowing the PD to put his nose on that gf pebble... with her nose.  With ds' nose.

The Judges see the entire field and all the pebbles.  They recognize PD cray cray when they see it. 

What's there to argue about?

The mom wants to see her son.  She should.  She does.  BF wants her to. 

She might need child support and it looks like BF doesn't mind paying it... has and would pay it.

Mom made an agreement she's no longer happy with..... crazy story btw... reflects poorly on her, IME.  The court officers won't miss it either. 

If Biomom has limited funds it's hoped she'll be unable to drag this out too long.  Sometimes they talk family members into bankrolling insane extended court dramas, so don't be surprised if she hires an attorney, winds him up, then plays the victim as long as she can.... typically till she's under the very bright light of a courtroom where evidence, calm demeanor and facts will be your BF's friend, not the PD's, IME.

I know this is more information than you need right now, but I'm going to be busy. Maybe too busy to check in regularly.  This information is here if BM doens't settle quickly and  no PD in my life has ever settled quickly.  Like I said.....
pathologically unable to settle anything,  IME.

The court is choked with people who can't settle.  Over 90% of cases are settled.  The systems about to break under the small percentage that go to court.  Every effort is made to force settlements, at every level, by everyone involved, IME. 

PDs are...... toxic, expensive, traumatizing and use they're own children as weapons against their ex, IME.

You can't stop the harm.  Your life is about mitigating harm when you're in your BF's position and you can't expect the court not to do more harm, bc that's the nature of the beastie, IME.

That's why I listed the things above...... to shorten the time, expense and trauma of DEALING with PDs in court. 

The PDs know what we want to hear... what attorneys want to hear.  They get us to put off court dates by making promises they'll never keep.   They refuse to produce documents and it seems no one cares while we produce EVERYTHING to a fault. 

Hold the PD's feet to the fire once this begins officially.  Set a good course and sail it, without waivering and agree UP FRONT WITH EVERY ONE that any settlement discussion will end in a handwritten settlement agreement signed by everyone involved at that meeting!  It must be filed and stamped, preferably by your attorney if there's any delay in filing it..... don't count on opposing counsel to do it, IME.   

Dot the i's and cross the t's...... no prisoners.  A trial is typically the quickest way out of these things, and your bf sounds reasonable so it's unlikely he'll ask for crazy stuff.......

wow... the recipe for curtailing the nightmare, but it's still a nightmare. 


Good luck,

[Penny Lane]

I'm sorry he's going to court. Court is the worst, there's no way around it.

My advice would be to go on the offensive ... what changes does HE want to see in the order? Can he prove what he needs to do?

If the judge wants to order the midpoint, you want the midpoint to be where things currently stand. Not halfway between the current situation and whatever insane thing the ex is asking for. You know?

Ask for decision making power if he doesn't already have it. Even smaller things (smaller that parenting time). Like, stronger no harassment and no disparagement clauses.

Psychologically, that sets her on her heels a bit. AND some good might come out of it.

If you can swing it, obviously. You don't want to ask for something so unrealistic that the judge gets mad.