possibly a PD parent/possibly dementia

[RainbowGirl]

I grew up with incidents from my mother as briefly outlined in this thread here. 

The thread I wrote about earlier isn't the full list of incidents.  There was so many angry outbursts from her for years out from nowhere. 

She did mellow somewhat to me from 2014.

Then there were some incidents in 2019 and 2020.

1) In the autumn of 2019 she decided that she wanted to buy a new set of mugs for the kitchen/household. She screamed at me for a contribution fee.  Even though we had a lot of mugs and they were in good condition.  Also at the time one of brothers was at home but she never asked him for a cent.  Just me. Even though it was clearly going to be a purchase for her and for her shopping spree, she wanted me to fund it.  Even though some months before that she said she need a pan.  I was in town one day and I used my own incitive and I bought a pan. I never demanded money from her.  There was no give and take from her. She wanted money from me and that was it.

2). We needed a plumbing job done in the bathroom.  I decided I would wash my hands of it for as long as possible and see if she gets my brother who was also likely using drugs to help.  She ever did.  Months went by and he never helped.  It was up to me to source a plumber.  I found a plumber. I was given his name and number by a friend. I consulted with my mother and she gave me the go ahead.
When he was finished with the work and he was gone and a while later, she decided she wasn't happy with his work and she started screaming at me - DON'T PHONE HIM AGAIN - as if I rang him spontaneously without consulting with her and all she had to do was just talk to me and not shout at me and say - we won't get him again.

There were some more incidents of angry outbursts from her throught 2020 and 2021.  She wasn't happy with my brother and she was misdirecting her anger to me.  As if I was responsible for his drinking and drugs.  If anything it was her that was responsible.  She was allowing him to live at home for free without any responsibilities where as I was required to help with utilities/bills.

In the winter time of 2021, I noticed a spell of no conversation from my mother. She even went out the door one Sunday afternoon without taking to me. No 'goodbye, I'm going for a walk'. Nothing from her.   As the time I thought she wasn't happy with my brother and she was misdirecting her anger to me.  But also at the time I thought - is she going senile?

I began to piece this spell of no conversation together with the episodes of anger that made no sense from her over the past few years and I thought 'is she going senile.  I started chatting on online forums and I was asked not to use that word and the word I am looking for is dementia.  Dementia was explained to me.

I put it to the back of my mind but over the following few months I discovered more behaviours from her.  She was ignorant towards the energy crisis.  I discovered she was taking items of my underwear and they were appearing amongst her laundry as if they were hers.  Even though we are different sizes. 

There's no doubt in my mind there's something happening with my mother but I am completely on my own right now with this.  I chatted to her GP and GPs are looking for memory loss. There's other behaviours from her now. She is obsessed with cleaning around the home to the degree she has two rooms turned upside down with no rhyme or reason and two rooms unable to be used unused.

Here I am thinking.
Over the past two years I observed behaviours that's not quite right and I am leaning in towards the possibilty of a dementia.
But what if I am wrong.
How much of this is just her?
She had years of a bad attitude towards me anyways.

[Cat of the Canals]

It's not necessarily either/or. She can have always had a PD (if she's been abusive toward you for all or most of your life, I'd certainly suspect a PD) and also now be in the early stages of dementia.

It's common in the early days of coming Out of the FOG to be fixated on a particular diagnosis, but that isn't always helpful. One of our longtime members has often used the following metaphor: if you're walking down the sidewalk and a truck suddenly swerves toward you, you don't stop to consider whether the driver is homicidal or drunk or has simply fallen asleep at the wheel. You jump out of the way to save yourself. The same goes for abusive behavior. Abuse is abuse no matter the underlying cause, and the most important thing is protecting yourself.

If you are currently living with your mother, I'd start considering moving out. Most of us have found we gain quite a bit of clarity about our parents once we have some distance from them.

[treesgrowslowly]

Yep, what Cat said is what I have found to be helpful as well.

You have already seen the behaviours - the angry outbursts. And you've seen her walk out the door without acknowledging you or saying the normal "I'm going for a walk, see you later" that a healthy, present person will be able to do.

As adults we have to decide how much contact we want with people who have these behaviours. Even if they are our parents. Maybe especially if they are our parents.

Angry outbursts are associated with a whole host of different diagnoses. They could be a sign of someone in a bad mood or they could be a sign that the person is developing dementia. There are a lot of different conditions that include angry outbursts as one of the symptoms. 

However, because she's an adult, she would have to seek help for her chronic anger. It is not your job to manage it, or try to attend to it over and over.

Whether she has developed dementia or not, you have to decide on the distance between you and her. As Cat said, if you can move out, that would give you a lot more autonomy which would allow you to decide how often you'll be around her anger and other behaviors.

Trees

[Lalitha]

Hi rainbowgirl, I replied on your other thread then saw this. Cat is so right with the truck analogy. Regardless of the cause, protect yourself.
If her behaviour regularly upset you as a child/young adult, and still continues today then that's not acceptable. I'm a mother and goodness knows I get stuff wrong. But I talk it over with my kids, I apologize if needed. I get stuff right a lot of the time.
My FOO were unkind a lot of the time. They were also 'nice' some of the time, which can be confusing. For a long time I denied the truth of who my FOO are. It's a survival mechanism as I've learnt from kind people on this board. I don't know if this resonates with you or whether your mother has dementia or not. But look at her behaviour and how it makes you feel mentally and physically. It really doesn't matter to put a label on it - most narcissists are undiagnosed because most would not agree to therapy to work through it. I've chosen to refer to my M as NPD-M because it fits and my therapist advised me it is probable. But I will never know for sure and that doesn't matter. All I know is her behaviour was abusive, violated my boundaries (actually I wasn't allowed boundaries) and had a lasting impact on me, so I took steps to remove myself. Keep posting on here, it will help you work through it.