Next level NPD siblings

[FugitiveDaughter]

There really is no support group for those of us with next level NPD siblings... And with 'next level' I mean siblings that are not satisfied with just being your garden variety Ns but they have to push themselves to be some level small time celebrities and such. It's one thing to deal with the usual behaviour they do but when it involves publicity stills shoved in your face, craving for adulation for some new launch with their face on it, invites to events where you'd get to watch them on stage and receiving praising speeches from their adoring circle of acquaintances... I would love to be genuinely proud and happy for the success of a sibling when it would be for something genuine they did, something that doesn't take advantage of others and when the focus was on the meaningful work they did, not just them and the fake persona they've created. Only recently I realized why I've been mostly cut off from the lives of N sibling's children; I am a threat to the narrative they have built. They won't risk me exposing that the image they portray is false and the story isn't true.

It's very difficult. Especially since now my relatives think I'm an envious sibling not supporting my own sibling when they are successful when in reality I just cannot stand how fake it all is and without substance. Meanwhile I am painfully aware that in the over 40 years I've lived, all I ever wanted was to be friends with my sibling and get to know them and they never cared one bit to even spend time with me.

[bloomie]

FugitiveDaughter - getting at peace with being misunderstood as we pull back from a sibling's behaviors that are too painful for us is a journey. There are always going to be those who buy in to the facade and carefully fabricated and maintained narrative. Even those who have a front row seat to the two sides of a narcissist will continue to support and act the adoring audience.

Self doubt can certainly creep in and it can be discouraging. There is great irony in the years of wanting a loving relationship with a sibling who is not interested and being seen as jealous of them because we are no longer able to play along.

Is there a way to distance yourself from seeing the hullabaloo surrounding the next big thing in your siblings life?

[FugitiveDaughter]

Thank you bloomie for a very insightful reply. You're absolutely right. I am happy to say that even though some in my immediate family sadly have NPD (I fear for some of the younger ones with NPD parents and even NPD grandparent), there are still some relatives who show me what normal relationships with family can be like. I am regularly in contact with a few more distant ones who I am happy to say are kindred spirits. I feel some of my relatives might be clueing in on what is going on with my sibling and I hope to reconnect with them if they want to do so. Our relationship was severed mostly because the person who was the link between us died.

I still struggle with wanting to have some sort of a relationship with my sibling and knowing it's not the smart thing to do. There's always that little kid inside me who wants to just say "please love me, all I ever wanted was to know you and have the kind of relationship siblings have in the movies". But I know that is the last thing I should be doing. I admit I tried to contact my sibling a couple of weeks ago because I couldn't be there for an important occasion (I live abroad now) that they had invited me to. Even though we're in speaking terms through the family Whatsapp group  they are not speaking to me directly. I asked if they would have time for a call and the question was never answered. There's the triangulation at work, a group set up by my Nmom and now my sibling unknowingly only communicates with me through that group so mom always knows what we're saying... 

There actually is a way to distance myself luckily. I moved out of the country and my sibling still hasn't become a global celeb  (may that never happen) so all this circus is only going on in the country I grew up in. I probably need to travel there during the summer and I dread it. My sibling has tied their big giant family occasion neatly to their own personal mememe product launch shindig and I'm expected to attend. I might need to find something else to attend as the thought of watching that extreme supply giving event might turn into a drinking game...  Ok so probably not but I would struggle with not rolling my eyes and hiding my snark. It is honestly getting worse with each new launch; now it has gotten to the point where thanks to plastic surgery and freebies from designers, their face is everywhere (which used to not be the case) and we are expected to applaud each of these "see where I am" things... My mother of course sees nothing wrong with all this, she is basking in the glory of being the mother who made it all possible...  But yes, distancing myself is luckily still possible.

[NarcKiddo]

I recognise these patterns. You are better off out of it. Yes, it hurts, for sure. But my experience of Ns is that they will only engage with you on their terms and if you don't dance to their tune they are not interested. Faced with such a shindig I would probably find myself indisposed with diarrhoea on the day.

Wishing you all the best.

[marymackblack]

"FugitiveDaughter - getting at peace with being misunderstood as we pull back from a sibling's behaviors that are too painful for us is a journey. There are always going to be those who buy in to the facade and carefully fabricated and maintained narrative. Even those who have a front row seat to the two sides of a narcissist will continue to support and act the adoring audience. "

Thank you FD and Bloomie -  this is so helpful. Just the words "getting at peace with being misunderstood"  helps me breathe! Always appreciate your wisdom, Bloomie !

[moglow]

FD, try also to remind yourself - what others think about us is none of our business. That's all on them. We all know we can support others and celebrate their accomplishments without being all fake and oozy. There aren't conditions to it and we're not responsible for meeting their expectations of "enough." Their celebrity or lack of same is all about image, and we're about bigger things. Real relationships.

Just breathe. You don't have to take on any of that responsibility.