Recent posts
#81
Dealing with PD Elderly Family Members / Re: My mom's house got struck ...
Last post by moglow - May 01, 2024, 06:02:13 PMJust a thought on the giddy ... It may well be not one of those people has "called to check on her" but IF they called it was to ask pertinent questions or confirm details. With mine, she'll full out lie when nothing of the sort actually took place. Md simpers and flirts even with her doctors, any man in the vicinity is subjected to her wiles as if she's a preteen with a high school football star. Yeah, I think she's hard histrionic with that alphabet soup of PD she's cooked up.
At any rate, yes, we gotta exercise those boundaries and let them be who they are. Guilt, I have none. Not anymore. No good deed goes unpunished with mine.
At any rate, yes, we gotta exercise those boundaries and let them be who they are. Guilt, I have none. Not anymore. No good deed goes unpunished with mine.
#82
Dealing with PD Parents / Re: PD parents don't want to h...
Last post by TimetoHeal - May 01, 2024, 05:35:05 PMIt seems like Narc parents are one extreme or the other with money! My mom yields her purse strings with all the power of the Queen in her kingdom! For years, she actually kept me financially dependent on her so she had a huge say in what I did with my life. When I finally wised up and built up my career and financial independence, she hated it! She talks bad about my chosen career all the time!
Now she uses extravagant gifts (which I usually refuse, unless it is for Christmas and reasonable) to appear very generous. My friends, who of course don't get it, always talk about how generous she is. I know how it goes though, and the strings that are attached. I hear her talk about other whom she has given gifts to, asked for a "favor", and said, "It's the LEAST he can do after what I've done for him".
Now she uses extravagant gifts (which I usually refuse, unless it is for Christmas and reasonable) to appear very generous. My friends, who of course don't get it, always talk about how generous she is. I know how it goes though, and the strings that are attached. I hear her talk about other whom she has given gifts to, asked for a "favor", and said, "It's the LEAST he can do after what I've done for him".
#83
Dealing with PD Elderly Family Members / Re: This is a new one! LOL!
Last post by TimetoHeal - May 01, 2024, 05:21:01 PMYour teenager sounds very wise, Saint!
#84
Dealing with PD Elderly Family Members / Re: My mom's house got struck ...
Last post by TimetoHeal - May 01, 2024, 05:16:54 PMThanks, Mo!
Yeah, you do get it! When you said, "She doesn't want me there, and I don't want to be there", BINGO!! My mom actually texted my brother and I yesterday when it happened, but then said, "Don't call me or come over, because there's nothing you can do".
I should have listened to her. Out of OBLIGATION and GUILT, I stopped by to see the damage, but there was barely even room for me there with all the workers and her minions doing her bidding. She didn't need or want me. I went and got her lunch, and she must have conveniently forgot that, because later that evening she said, "I haven't eaten all day". 
Why, oh, why, do we bother?
And what you said about her giving up at such a young age...also BINGO! My mom gave up when my dad died when they were only 60. That's been 17 years now. She could have done so much with that time. Been active in her grandchildren's lives, volunteered, gone back to school, anything. But no, she tried dating and remarrying early on, and when that didn't work out, she gave up and is just waiting to die. It's pathetic really. And now I"M close to 60 and can't imagine just sitting at home doing nothing!
She seemed almost giddy today when I texted to check on her. Her neighbor bought her a brand new TV. The plumber somehow has her number and called to check on her.
The poor insurance man is in "constant contact" I'm sure she's eating up all this male attention! I can only imagine what they all are thinking of me and my brother, but you know what, who gives a rip? LOL. My brother tried calling her and saying he would be glad to help with her internet and online bed shopping since she won't leave the house to look for beds in person, and she blew him off. She'd rather the insurance man do it, I guess. 
I'm done.
Yeah, you do get it! When you said, "She doesn't want me there, and I don't want to be there", BINGO!! My mom actually texted my brother and I yesterday when it happened, but then said, "Don't call me or come over, because there's nothing you can do".
I should have listened to her. Out of OBLIGATION and GUILT, I stopped by to see the damage, but there was barely even room for me there with all the workers and her minions doing her bidding. She didn't need or want me. I went and got her lunch, and she must have conveniently forgot that, because later that evening she said, "I haven't eaten all day". Why, oh, why, do we bother?And what you said about her giving up at such a young age...also BINGO! My mom gave up when my dad died when they were only 60. That's been 17 years now. She could have done so much with that time. Been active in her grandchildren's lives, volunteered, gone back to school, anything. But no, she tried dating and remarrying early on, and when that didn't work out, she gave up and is just waiting to die. It's pathetic really. And now I"M close to 60 and can't imagine just sitting at home doing nothing!
She seemed almost giddy today when I texted to check on her. Her neighbor bought her a brand new TV. The plumber somehow has her number and called to check on her.
The poor insurance man is in "constant contact" I'm sure she's eating up all this male attention! I can only imagine what they all are thinking of me and my brother, but you know what, who gives a rip? LOL. My brother tried calling her and saying he would be glad to help with her internet and online bed shopping since she won't leave the house to look for beds in person, and she blew him off. She'd rather the insurance man do it, I guess. I'm done.
#85
Going No Contact with a PD Parent / Re: I see them tomorrow, wish ...
Last post by moglow - May 01, 2024, 03:13:54 PMThat makes me ache for y'all. It's not about the farking money! That they threw "it's not a problem" in there - it IS but clearly not in any way they grasp. So money isn't a problem for them but they refuse to see how this affects *the children*. Still all about punishing you. 😑
Have mercy. I don't like them at all and I don't even know them. I'd want to go full witness protection just to be so far away they never find us.
Deep breaths! And hug your family closer
Have mercy. I don't like them at all and I don't even know them. I'd want to go full witness protection just to be so far away they never find us.
Deep breaths! And hug your family closer
#86
Chosen Relationships / Re: I can't figure out if my w...
Last post by sunshine702 - May 01, 2024, 03:01:56 PMBoundaries as punishing. Yes there is a real dance between being flooded and things escalating and taking some time separate (a walk a drive another bedroom) and silent treatment and never resolving / dealing at the first bump of conflict. I think respect underlies the former not the latter.
#87
Chosen Relationships / Re: I can't figure out if my w...
Last post by square - May 01, 2024, 01:51:20 PMQuote from: Rebel13 on May 01, 2024, 12:48:44 PMOh, I so agree with you, square, on the boundary setting! For years I felt like Venetir, that it was "only fair" to let people know about my boundaries and the consequences of violating them. But, those discussions always, always devolved into JADE for me. It feels so much better to just do the thing -- for example, if my mother started trying to guilt me about something over the phone, I would just say, Oh, I'm out of time for today, talk to you next time. Some people can make the connection, "Oh, when I do X, I stop getting attention" and modify their behavior. Some people don't. But either way, I am out of the unpleasant situation without having to explain *why*, which usually only gives a difficult person the opportunity to explain why my reasons suck or aren't valid or whatever. Trying to explain always ended up making the situation into a much bigger deal than it needed to be.
Very true, you can get sucked into JADEing and then lose the game they are so good at playing.
Also, frankly, it feels controlling and threatening even for healthy people. I know I wouldn't really care for it if my husband said "next time you X, I'm leaving the house" or whatever. Even if the point was fair, the dynamic is not good. But if he just implemented it, it would hit different. It would feel more natural, like "oh, he's upset" rather than "he's punishing me."
Very important for us to remember boundaries are for us, period. And not a tool to control others. There is a lot we can do to protect ourselves (limiting information we share, insisting on meeting at a restaurant in seperate cars, hiring chores done instead of trying to make someone do them, etc.) without controlling others.
#88
Chosen Relationships / Re: I can't figure out if my w...
Last post by Rebel13 - May 01, 2024, 12:59:36 PMQuote from: Venetir on April 30, 2024, 01:39:55 AMI'm afraid to leave because I have a disability and have difficulty living on my own. I'm financially self sufficient, at least!
I thought about this after I read your initial post, and I wanted to come back and say, I'm glad money concerns are not limiting your options. I think it's very natural when you have a reason to feel extra vulnerable -- like having a disability -- to have a lot of fear about changing the status quo. But I also think, if you want to, and when the time is right for you, you would be able to figure out other options for getting the assistance you need to live alone. You've reiterated your commitment to staying through the end of the year, and you have other things to work on now. But maybe you can comfort yourself about the living alone concern, even while it is on the back burner, by telling yourself there are ways around things, and you don't know how your life might change or what opportunities might present themselves in the future. That's what I do, anyway! I hope it helps.
#89
Friends, Neighbors, Acquaintances and Coworkers / Re: Mental health at work at a...
Last post by Rebel13 - May 01, 2024, 12:53:20 PMQuote from: miffyxo on May 01, 2024, 01:42:09 AMJust the trying is making me feel a little more positive. 🤞
This always helped me too! When I met other people and talked about a different position, it broadened my horizons and gave me hope. I'm so glad you're doing that and congratulations on your interview! I hope it goes really well. Deep breaths! You will do great.
#90
Chosen Relationships / Re: I can't figure out if my w...
Last post by Rebel13 - May 01, 2024, 12:48:44 PMOh, I so agree with you, square, on the boundary setting! For years I felt like Venetir, that it was "only fair" to let people know about my boundaries and the consequences of violating them. But, those discussions always, always devolved into JADE for me. It feels so much better to just do the thing -- for example, if my mother started trying to guilt me about something over the phone, I would just say, Oh, I'm out of time for today, talk to you next time. Some people can make the connection, "Oh, when I do X, I stop getting attention" and modify their behavior. Some people don't. But either way, I am out of the unpleasant situation without having to explain *why*, which usually only gives a difficult person the opportunity to explain why my reasons suck or aren't valid or whatever. Trying to explain always ended up making the situation into a much bigger deal than it needed to be.