I've been replaced. :(

foobarred · January 11, 2023, 07:29:52 PM

My caretaker came to me the other day, and said that she tried to give uPDMom a Christmas present at the nursing home, only to find that she wasn't there. When she asked where my mother had gone, the nursing home mentioned (Wealthy Suburb), and gave her a note with the name and contact information for my mothers new power of attorney.

So I called the nursing home, identified myself as the next of kin, and was told that yes, my mother had moved; yes, she now has a new power of attorney; and no, they can't give me any further information. If I want to know where my mother is, I'll have to contact her POA.

The contact info belonged to an old friend of my parents, who lives in (Wealthy Suburb), whom she hadn't seen in over 15 years. So I emailed him, asking for Mom's new contact info. He hasn't mailed me back.

If she were a normal human being I'd be very concerned, but this is a PD we're talking about here. Under all that waify helplessness is a near-demonic level of intelligence. I am certain she knew exactly what she was doing when she signed that POA and moved without telling me.

So. Many. Emotions. I literally do not know where my mother is right now, and have no way to contact her. I'm her only child, and yet apparently I'm replaceable. I busted my @ss (and spent a lot of money) to help her move into that nursing home *that she picked* - trying to arrange a nice safe place with people who would care for her and her favorite things around her because I knew it would be the last thing I would ever do for her. And she threw all that away - broke her lease after just 6 months. I begged for years for her to give me POA, because she insisted I handle her finances, and she always refused on the grounds that I would "steal all her money". And here I am, still struggling with grief and C-PTSD and all that good stuff, while she took exactly 6 months to forget all about me and dig herself in with a new host. God only knows what she told him.

I feel rejected and devalued all over again, and it hurts.

Sneezy · January 11, 2023, 08:53:00 PM

foobarred - Does your mom have the mental capacity to make her own decisions and change her POA? Or is there a chance that the new POA is taking advantage of your mom? If you think your mom is being taken advantage of, then you might want to find a lawyer who can fight this for you and possibly help you get POA back and/or obtain guardianship over your mom.

On the other hand, if your mom is capable of making her own decisions, then I would say that you have done everything possible, and more, and it is time to drop the rope for good. Please try not to take this as a sign of your value, rather, see it as a sign of your mother's disorder. It's not you, it's her - really! You have gone above and beyond to try to help your mom. But at some point, enough is enough. Take care of yourself and remember that you have done everything humanly possible and now it's time to focus on yourself.

moglow · January 12, 2023, 11:20:37 AM

Foobarred, I'm gobsmacked as well. Her moving and you being given no information sends an unmistakable message: She's accepted the no contact. There's no mixed message there that I can see. I know no contact is what you chose and need for your own well being, but damn.

Let's try and look at this from another angle if we can - you've not been replaced. She made a very calculated decision here. As you said:

QuoteUnder all that waify helplessness is a near-demonic level of intelligence. I am certain she knew exactly what she was doing when she signed that POA and moved without telling me.

This isn't a statement about YOU. She's showing who she is and what she wants, and all anyone can truly do is work towards acceptance of that. I don't think this is a new thing with her at all, this is likely who she's been all her life. It's a hell of a position to be in as her child, but I'm not sure the PDs we speak of here sees those relationships anything near what we think they should be. If they were we wouldn't be here.

I wish I had words of comfort for you. We're here with you.

foobarred · January 13, 2023, 03:49:31 AM

Sneezy, Mom is very with it. She has some short term memory loss consistent with age (of the "where are my keys" variety), but her judgement is very astute. So, no, I don't think she's being taken advantage of here. If anything, the boot's on the other foot - that POA has taken a viper to his bosom. I'd feel kind of bad for the guy, except I never liked him much.

Moglow, I guess I hoped the NC would not be a permanent thing. Somehow as long as I knew where she was and how to contact her, it felt like the possibility of reconciliation existed. Now that's right out.

In a way, it validates my childhood. I was always fawning, b/c I feared being abandoned if I didn't measure up. Later I berated myself for being so spineless - "They wouldn't *really* have abandoned you, you should have stood up to them." And now I know - child me was damned smart. They straight up *would have* abandoned me, if I hadn't catered so assiduously to their needs. Kind of a shock to realize how fragile that family tie really was.

So grateful I can come here and talk to y'all. Nobody else gets it.

Call Me Cordelia · January 13, 2023, 06:05:47 AM

QuoteIn a way, it validates my childhood. I was always fawning, b/c I feared being abandoned if I didn't measure up. Later I berated myself for being so spineless - "They wouldn't *really* have abandoned you, you should have stood up to them." And now I know - child me was damned smart. They straight up *would have* abandoned me, if I hadn't catered so assiduously to their needs. Kind of a shock to realize how fragile that family tie really was.

Ho boy that hits home for me too. You *were* abandoned emotionally, long before you ever grew up enough to set a boundary.

Sneezy · January 13, 2023, 11:26:53 AM

Quote from: foobarred on January 13, 2023, 03:49:31 AM
Sneezy, Mom is very with it. She has some short term memory loss consistent with age (of the "where are my keys" variety), but her judgement is very astute. So, no, I don't think she's being taken advantage of here. If anything, the boot's on the other foot - that POA has taken a viper to his bosom. I'd feel kind of bad for the guy, except I never liked him much.

Well, in that case, there is just nothing more you can do, except be kind to yourself. I often feel bad for the people my mom uses and takes advantage of, but there is nothing I can do about it. I'm not sure what drives some of the people who fall for mom's manipulation and gas-lighting, and I just have to be good with this bit of mystery.

Take the time you need to grieve this final loss of contact, take care of yourself - hugs!

NarcKiddo · January 13, 2023, 12:45:50 PM

Hugs. They really know how to hit where it hurts, don't they?

foobarred · January 14, 2023, 04:30:54 PM

Yep. Mom always knew where to stick in the knife.

Is this like a narcissistic discard? I never could make up my mind whether she was borderline or a covert narc.

Spring Butterfly · January 20, 2023, 09:05:17 AM

It sure does hurt to be cast aside with all we put up with for so long. PD people need a supplier, like a drug. They will find a way. It hurt me to wrap my head around being discarded. It was like - was it really never love, just control? What was my entire past about? Was I really just a source of supply groomed from birth?

Give it time to settle. What helped me was valuing my time that was now available away from the daily drama and chaos. Living my life fully, learning new things. exploring who I was without the constant voices controlling my every minute. I created my "normal" that never was and created myself as I should have always been.

I hope you can find a way to embrace this new part of your journey.

The book by Karyl McBride helped me so much - Will I Ever Be Good Enough?
https://outofthefog.website/books-mother-daughter

It outlined a healing path and I discovered this book quite a way into my path. It was validating and really brought focus to creating my full life.
https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=29251.msg568720#msg568720

Yael924 · January 28, 2023, 03:49:25 PM

You are finally free, if you allow yourself to be.

Drop the rope, and take all that loving energy you showered onto your undeserving mother and turn it toward yourself. You've been given a gift.

Sending you positive thoughts.

moglow · January 28, 2023, 04:43:40 PM

QuoteYou are finally free, if you allow yourself to be. Drop the rope, and take all that loving energy you showered onto your undeserving mother and turn it toward yourself. You've been given a gift.

Love this - YES!!

xredshoesx · January 28, 2023, 09:08:33 PM

my mother's first replacement was my stepsister when i was in 6th grade. after that, it was a succession of her friend's kids who were usually 11-13 years old. she switched friends/ replacements a lot. the one that hurt the most was when she was working in a salon and brought the owner's kid up to the gas station where i worked to get cigarettes. he was wearing this artsy turquoise ring of hers that i had coveted when i was little. i think it was shortly after that where i decided i was going to put a plan in motion to be free of her so i wouldn't keep feeling that discard pain over and over and over.

i am so sorry foobarred. be kind to yourself as you unravel this mess. my worst fear for you is that after this radio silence on her side and being told to find her through the 3rd party it comes back on you to 'fix' her problems again if the relationship with the POA person goes south.

SunnyMeadow · February 04, 2023, 08:56:35 AM

What a shock foobarred, I'd be floored by her actions too. No wonder you're hurt. It's kind of the ultimate kick in the teeth. But after those feelings ease up a bit, I hope you will see you now have freedom. Quite, calm and no drama freedom!

This would be it for me. If my mother did this, it would be the very end of me ever doing anything for her again. She'd be blocked out of my life. She probably feels she hit the jackpot with this new POA. Wait until he gets his fill of her, he'll be racing to find your contact info. No sir, you keep her.

I'm sorry you're going through this.