Sucker-punched again; Merry Christmas!

[Danie]

I am so mad at myself for trusting. I got so sucker-punched again, by my sister, that I feel immobilized. She is 1 year older than me. Our parents were young and my dad left when I was 7, my mother was a single parent for 6 more (horrible) years then threw in the towel. My older sister was always given special treatment by our mother. It's pretty enmeshed and unhealthy - I think my mother really just wants a best friend and even more so, someone to take care of her.

Well now our mom is in assisted living. She is not adjusting at all. She's 85 and doesn't have memory issues, but I suspect and am almost sure she is an undiagnosed Schizophrenic. Four years ago her primary doctor said he thought so.
Over the last 4 years I have given so much of myself trying to help my mother. First in her home, then a nursing home and now assisted living where she's been for 8 months. It's been very hard because she was an abusive, neglectful mother. That is almost do-able but when my older sister gets in the mix I cannot manage any of it anymore. She is so cold and nasty and pulls sucker punches that are so confusing and life-altering for me.
My biggest mistake was 1 year ago when I was helping my mom (my sister wasn't) and she came onto the scene and took over EVERYTHING and my mom let her. I think my mom likes not having to think for herself. Well, I foolishly tried to work with my sister helping my mom. I actually thought we were "working together" 

My sister has taken over her house, her bills, her medical care, her shopping etc. I am grateful for what she does and have told her many, many times.
She tries to tell me how to feel, how to act and what to say.
I've tried to state my boundaries with her, but she doesn't know what a boundary is. My sister set up a medical portal for our mom and put me on it without asking or telling me. I was surprised because I told her I didn't want to be on it because it's too hard with our mom's mental health issues and her behavior.
Well, I waited a few months and when I felt like I could handle it I signed up and just "read" the posts by a large medical team and my sister. All of the posts by her doctor are suggesting medication for anxiety, which is severe.
I finally wrote 1 post about how I visited my mom and she was asking for edema socks with grippers on the bottom. My mom had some new edema socks stashed away (I bought them) and wouldn't wear them, instead she was wearing holy ones with no grippers. She said she was afraid she was going to fall. The one and only post I wrote in 8 months was a follow-up and a glimpse of what the conversations had been - her anxiety. I explained how she was saving the new socks, wearing the old ones yet afraid she was going to fall. When I asked my mom why she was saving them she has anxiety that she will be without. It was not unkind or mean at all. It was just first-hand evidence of what she was living and my plea for some kind of help for her.
Well my sister had me removed from the portal without telling, asking or explaining it. It was definitely a punitive and abusive move. Then shortly thereafter when I visited my mom she was totally against me and violated another boundary I had in place which is gossiping about my sisters. I told her so any times I wouldn't do that. She asked why our other sister "has such a bad marriage". I fell for it and said maybe because we had an unstable childhood. I think she deliberately set me up for a fight. My mom got really pissed so I tried to change the subject and then told her I needed to leave. I had already decided it was way too toxic to go there alone and get cornered by my mom while she drilled me about "her issues". I always tried to keep the visits short and the topics light.
Next she made up a big story and told my sister and husband "she made me cry and stormed out of here and slammed the door" which is all not true.
I'm sure my sister and mom have now allied and ganged up on me.
This is just like my youth! Mentally ill mother/enmeshed sister ganging up on me instead of dealing with their own issues. I'm mad at myself I stepped in it again and I should have known better. I think I was fooled because it's all a new circumstance ( assisted living) and I thought maybe I would have a shred of connection with my mother in her dying years. This older sibling has harassed and framed me my entire life and now I don't know what to do. I'm right back to any little move I make will be re-written as me trying to start trouble and on top of that my sister will take ALL of the inheritance that is half mine.

[moglow]

Hey Danie - This whole situation is just sad that your sister has taken over. But ya know, at the same time it's not. She wants to handle it? Do that. You keep on doing what you want to for your mother. Sis tries to tell you what to do/say or not? Aw hell no. You don't have to respond and you don't have to follow her instructions either. You're an adult, not some extension of either of them. Keep visits and conversations short and light and don't apologize for it.

You can't stop either saying/asking whatever it is they choose. What you *can* do is respect your own boundary: Dont engage in gossip no matter how tempting. Don't ask questions or even respond. Gray rock the hell out of that and refuse to delve into any of it with things like: Hmmmm. That's unfortunate. I don't know, you'd have to ask her. I'd rather not talk about them anymore [and immediate change of subject to something pleasant and positive].

Look out for yourself and your own health. They can do the same for themselves, that's how it works.

[Danie]

Exactly! I need a good lapse of time before I even put a toe in the water. I was thrown off by the new situation and seeing my mother so powerless. I've been telling her, over the last couple years, that my older sister is a bully and to please try to protect me. I know it has different meaning to her, (probably doesn't believe it) but at least I get to say it. It's clear to me now it fell on deaf ears because now they have teamed-up (my point of view) against me again. I have to go back a couple of years and put my armor back up!

[moglow]

They're playing out a lifetime of behaviors because that's what they know and what they continue to choose, same as the rest of us. I'd imagine they object to you changing the status quo, and on some level that's understandable. They don't know how to do otherwise and sounds like so far they're unwilling to try.

They're comfortable where they are. Fine, they can do that - change is hard. Doesn't mean you have to roll over in it for them. I'm not saying this to be harsh or unfeeling, but you know whose job it is to protect adult you? Yours. Let them be who they are while you keep on growing away from all their nonsense.

An old friend used to say, expectations are disappointment under construction. And (from me) acceptance really is your friend. The more you pull away and refuse to take on their stuff, the better you'll feel. Don't give them ammunition about your personal life or let them know what hurts you. A firm pointed look or icy silence can speak volumes, that and repeating back what they say asking what they meant by it.

[Danie]

I'm working through my PTSD right now. It hit me hard! Those 2 have done this to me my whole life and never ever anything kind or loving to me at all. I had a nervous breakdown at 15 because of them and was hospitalized for 6 weeks.

I know it's up to me to take care of myself and normally I do really well. Just because she lives in a different place now doesn't mean she has changed. The fact that 1. My mom doesn't use a computer says my sister set up and took me off the medical portal. 2. She went to my moms and they collaborated to sucker-punch me. 3. They agreed to lie to me and say "only one family member could be on it" (my sister). I called the company and it is a lie. 4. It was an intentional shaming and confusing and hurtful move.

Now my mother is trying to call me! Dear God-I'm not answering.

[moglow]

Nope. She needs help, she can call your sister who has access to her health related info. Whatever they do or talked about is not your stuff and won't be yours to unravel. 

Do what you can to depersonalize it and see it for the blessing it really is. Huge weight removed from you when you think about it. 

[Danie]