Need Advice on Narc Mom Currently in Hospital with Nsis as the Caretaker

[LoverofPeace]

Hello Out of the FOG Forum,

It's been awhile for me, so firstly hoping well to everyone, including having gotten through the holidays and New Year as peacefully as possible.

As the title suggests, I am currently in a bit of a dilemma about it because I have been very low contact and live states away from them. But the N sis texted the other day about the mom being in the hospital; something I knew was inevitable due to her being a senior in her upper 80's and past health problems. She used to live 15 minutes away from me, so I was the one running to the hospital and responding to her and my grandmother's (lived in her own home about 30 minutes away; recently deceased) health, home, and holiday issues. I finally said enough after years of this with the N sis getting violent with me on one visit. This wasn't even about them, it was something ridiculous about a friend of mine that the N sis was trying to start drama over nothing. It was so reckless, it opened my eyes all the way, as I knew something wasn't right with these three, and made me question my future interactions within this family dynamic that had shrunk over the years mostly due to many of the more positive members unfortunately passing on. I miss them because they didn't pose a threat to me like especially this N sis does.

Fast-forward to after my declaring that I had to tend to my own life; the N sis moved this grandmother and mom where she lives. The grandmom stayed in a home for a short time until her passing. For the sake of peace and feeling safer, I wasn't speaking to them at that time until her passing where the N sis got in contact with me and family members about the funeral arrangements. I prayed on it, got advice from forums like this, and ended up going and decided to make low contact with them during holidays and birthdays. But this time, I would only send messages and call the mom out of respect.

With the low contact in place, it mostly worked peacefully and I wouldn't respond whenever a few fishing lines were thrown my way. And I told myself I would only be in person one more time: in the event something happened to mom, like grandmother (as long as others are around, the N sis tends to portray to be a nice person).

It's just two things I am thinking about: 1) As I feel more comfortable and used to talking to my mom whenever I am in touch, for the fisrt time she hasn't responded to my text/call to check on how she's doing; so I am not sure how ill she is, because I heard it has to do with swelling. Still, I understand if she can't talk. 2) However, I can't bring myself to get in touch with the N sis to find out more, as I never know how she'll react; she can be as unpredictable verbally as physically abusive.

She did say she would let us know how the mom is doing in her text, and I did leave the mom my 'get well' message. However, that was two days ago.

Should I just wait to hear back (my preferred way), or does it seem cold to not reach out again, being this is my mom?

One more thing: I'm currently not working and looking to get myself back there, including independently, which is taking all my time. But mostly, I am worried about finances with sending her get-well flowers, etc, flying down there and if I did fly down, the cost of a hotel: I am not trying to stay at the N sis', even with having a big house.
Phew! I know it's a lot. But if anyone can relate and answer on any of this, I'd love to know your wise viewpoints.

I looked at this thing with mom as my last go-round to do out of respect and focusing on the better parts of the past, though overall I feel I wasn't really appreciated and didn't always feel safe or at peace=too many reckless events.

So, heaven forbid she is not long for this world. I always wanted to pay my love and and respect that would help with closure and peace.
But this not being normal dynamics, I could use clarity on this issue; it can be hard just reaching out with a simple text to the N sis.

Thanks for any advice! 🙏🏼

[Srcyu]

Hi, I've read your post and then come back and read it again just to make sure that I've taken in your story.
My main concern is that your N sis may not get in touch again until it's too late for you to get over there. Is it possible to contact the hospital your mother is in?
They may be willing to give out brief details or to pass on a message to her.

I think the hard truth is that you are going to have to reach out to your sister.
Don't worry about seeming cold or whatever. This matters a lot because you really can't afford to make the trip more than once right now.

If you need to see the mom for closure then you need all the information that's available. It's a sad time for you especially when you're not completely sure of what's going on. You need to speak to your N sis.

[bloomie]

LoverofPeace - I am sorry your mom is not well. With a high conflict sibling as a gatekeeper of information it can be really hard to get to the truth of what your mom's current state of health is.

I am unsure if your mom is in a facility or living with your sister, but it sounds like she has a phone you left a message on? Why not try her again? Or call the facility/hospital directly and get an update or talk with her?

I'm currently not working and looking to get myself back there, including independently, which is taking all my time. But mostly, I am worried about finances with sending her get-well flowers, etc, flying down there and if I did fly down, the cost of a hotel: I am not trying to stay at the N sis', even with having a big house.
Phew! I know it's a lot. But if anyone can relate and answer on any of this, I'd love to know your wise viewpoints.

I looked at this thing with mom as my last go-round to do out of respect and focusing on the better parts of the past, though overall I feel I wasn't really appreciated and didn't always feel safe or at peace=too many reckless events.

There are a lot of ways to show care and respect when you can't afford to actually visit in person. You are already doing that by calling and leaving a kind message. Sending notes and cards are also a way to brighten someone's day. You don't have to explain or justify why you are not visiting in person to anyone. Living at a distance like this makes physically seeing someone very difficult and not always feasible, but it doesn't mean we don't care.

Bypassing your sibling and going to another family member who is more trustworthy to get an update is another way to go.

My thoughts are to keep trying to find ways to connect with your mom and know that your efforts are enough. You are doing what you can and that is enough!

[LoverofPeace]

Hi Srcyu and Bloomie,

Thanks so much for your great advice.

Ever since my initial message, we've all been in touch via text and fortunately, the Mom came through well.

I do still think about anything down this next part with her convalenscing and physical therapy: would I be in the wrong to not mention going there in person? No, I don't have it and wouldn't want to if I did. But at least I wouldn't have to also worry about my finances. On the other hand, they haven't mentioned my coming to help, either (and I haven't said anything about my current status-not trying to tell them my business these days).

And yes, the Mom lives with her. A good thing is my nephew is there, too. And he's the level-headed one. But he deserves his own free time.

It's a shame, because if I didn't have to think about staying safe, I  would want to find a way to go back and forth. She never had to worry like I do, when it was in reverse.

I thank God, because he's the One who always guards me in this crazy N world! 😳

Thanks🙏🏼❣️

[LoverofPeace]

Hello Srcyu and Bloomie,

I hope this message finds you doing well.

I know it's months later, but I was reading these messages and while reflecting on the recent past, I thought I'd let you know that my Mom ended up passing on. 💔

It was weird with her surgery being declared 'successful' one minute, but then she declined fast the next, having had a heart attack. The sad part is she was texting up to the last moments of her life.

I was in denial when she texted a sad face after having texted a happy one not too long before that. But her 86 year-old heart couldn't take it all.

So, I ended up having to go there anyway, of course. The blessing is the service went well, even though the Nsis tried to start something a couple of times. Actually, I don't know if it was from the stress of everything or her being her 'normal' self. But I did my best to stay cool. Still, when her son (37 years-old) raised his voice at me, I shut it down with a stern, 'Don't yell at me' reply. I feel since he heard her being rude to me, he could too. He never did that before. I said to myself that I'd chalk it up to my mother's passing for now.

Speaking of now, fast-forward to today and the Nsis wants to get together to go meet at a restaurant with me and another nephew (this one is more careful at being respectful)  when she comes into town this weekend. I was going to decline, but there's pictures and little trinkets I want to get from her. I also said I couldn't take the larger items, given my small place but suggested she donate it to someone less fortunate to put it to good use. Unfortunately, she's having a hard time looking at it in her house. I can only suggest what's practical to do.

After that, to keep it peaceful I am staying away from any other issues with her as much as possible.

I don't know how people who aren't even related in any way, shape, or form would think twice about getting tangled with these folks.

I will always love and respect my Mom, but I  deserve my peace, too. And I'm still having to navigate this Nsis thing at almost 60 y.o. to get it!

Thank you ladies. You deserved to know the outcome.

Peace and Blessings 🙏🏼

[bloomie]

LoverofPeace - what a difficult and unexpected outcome. My heart goes out to you! It's hard to lose a beloved mom. 

I am cheering you on and impressed with your composure and healthy boundary setting with both your sister and her son. Wise to chalk it up to stress, stay focused on what you can and cannot be part of at this point and agree to what is best and right for you and pass on the rest.

[LoverofPeace]

Hello Bloomie,


Thank you for your sympathy concerning my Mom and encouraging words about this Nsis. I'm able to stay more composed these days because of God's guidance to forums like these and meditating a lot with the Insight Timer app, not to mention other positive tools, i.e., exercising. 

I still can't help but to wish that after the Ngrandmom and Nmom, that the ordeal is finally over. The sickening part is it's not with this Nsis trying to hone in now. It's already been a rollercoaster with her again, as in years ago growing up with her craziness. If it weren't for my mindset, it would be worse these days, but even with my strong mind, it's still become a danger. It even has when the Nmom first passed. She really raged at me like it was all my fault (as they're known to do) and by the grace of God (literally), it was over the phone with us many miles apart in different states. I don't know what it would've been if it were in person or even nearby. And because I know her and how narcs will do, I'm sad to say it feels like it's the perfect opportunity for a lot of supply, given the situation. I'm not saying she doesn't love or miss my Mom, but, in a warped way, it also feels like supply for her. In the meantime, I had to help her plan the funeral (of course), then to be there for the service, going through grieving, and now dealing with the aftermath concerning Mom's things. Plus, she's going to want to keep being in touch/getting together for Mother's Day, Mom's birthday, etc. And even though I know and I am strong enough to say 'No' (in a sort of roundabout way, because you have to do it in a certain way so you can have peace) I have to wonder when do I finally feel 100% free of this crazed phenomenon of the narc?   

That's why I wonder why a person would choose to get into it at all with one they're not even related to. I can see back in the day when we didn't know that this was a thing (even though we knew something wasn't right). But with all the information and tools at our fingertips now, why oh why connect yourself to one at all? Because I don't even want to put up with a close family member and have tried to 100% remove myself for awhile. Before that I had to physically fight and had to cut off close ties with lovely family members; all just to keep the toxic ones off me. And yet, these major events end up pulling me in even if I try to keep NC  , but at least stay on the fringe. Yet, it can still affect the best of us. I appreciate all the advice and lessons I've had, but it still feels like with family members there's those questions that can't be answered and inevitable times that make it so impossible. 

God bless!