So I had this bad interaction with a friend online & I'm upset about it and don't really know where else to talk about it. :(
And something about the way the interaction went & how angry this person got felt weird & out of scale with what happened. And it really upset me & I felt I had to walk away from the interaction, but that means losing a friend. :( Or at least someone I thought of as a friend... And that hurts, particularly now in this time of social isolation.
I know lots of people are extra sensitive during this time & I think that's part of the problem. I think I'm feeling extra sensitive. I think she's feeling extra emotional...
What happened was I sent my friend a link about something I thought was important. She said, no I'm going to a protest. I said ok & mentioned the link I sent would only take a few minutes maybe on transit & then I wished her well, told her I hoped the protest went well & peacefully, encouraged her do what she was inspired to do.
I thought that would be the end of it. But later she sent me several of long angry messages telling me how offended she was & accusing me of horrible things that weren't true...
She wanted me to admit I was wrong to send her the link & encourage her to fill it out. I thought carefully about it & I didn't think I was in the wrong. So I tried my best to explain that I was sorry I offended her, didn't mean to & I also tried to explain why I sent the link, why I thought it was the right thing to do.
She sent a brief reply saying she wasn't happy with my response, but she had better things to do. Then the next day she sent me more long angry messages, accusing me of more horrible things...
I *think* it was mostly misplaced anger? I don't know. There was something about the interaction that reminded me of some negative interactions I've had before, where the person was not able or willing to have a calm, reasonable conversation and work things out.
It was a really unpleasant interaction and I felt like there was nothing I could do, but to say I was sorry & goodbye.
I don't know what kind of support I'm looking for, maybe help figuring out what kind of interaction this is? I've run across this issue before, not often, but occasionally...
Welcome! Sounds like something has gone terribly awry with your friend. When I find myself in such a run away situation, I try to check if the accusations hold any truth. If there is no valuable feedback I try to forget about it. You might want to read up on medium chill on the toolbox.
I'm sorry about this troubling interaction. Sorry to say that when I am not in a good place mentally that I am easily, quickly triggered, out of proportion to the perceived offense. Could this be it? Do you know your friend enough to know if to ask? No right answer - just something that came to my mind. :Hug:
Hi welcome. I am so sorry this break down has happend with a valued friend. You seem to have a good head on your shoulders and have tried to clarify and work through a conflict with this friend as best as you know how.
It's possible that time may bring some insights and clarity as this is a really taxing and stressful time for everyone. It's hard to know what your friend may have been triggered by or why they would respond this way, but to heap unfair accusation upon you sounds a lot like someone who is at the very least not in a reasonable place.
It might be helpful to look through the Personality Disorders drop down menu at the info there and at the toolbox above and gain some strategies.
It is hard to lose a friend or to have a fracture develop between us and someone we really care about.
Hello.
I am sorry this happened to you. It sounds like exactly what someone would do when they don't want to deal with something emotional. They project all their anger towards another person.
Someone like that has some growing up to so before she can manage a friendship better. Being sent a link clearly upset her and instead of dealing with it she tried to fog you. Not great for your friendship at all.
We don't have to only have friends with our same political views but we do need to have friends who can manage the differences in those views without resorting to fog behaviours. Her behaviour was fear, obligation and guilt based.
Trees
Hi BuddingRose,
I'm sorry to hear you've experienced this upsetting interaction. If I may ask, was your link related to the thing she was protesting (I'm assuming she was protesting racism and/or police violence)?
Might not be relevant, but it might also explain some things. As a white person, I've needed some time to understand my priviliges and why it's important to speak up.
Kind regards
As we progress in this thread, let's be careful to raise good questions like TurkeyGirl's, but to also realize this is not a great place to try to resolve them. These are among the hardest questions faced by society. What this forum excels at is the challenging interpersonal issues that arise from the personality disorder of others.
In this case, BuddingRose, I think you are not seeing a personality disorder, but only the kind of raw emotion that can be stirred up in any healthy person in extreme circumstances. If your friend is protesting at this moment, you are dealing with some of the most raw and most fundamental of such emotions. And TurkeyGirl is correct, that the link you shared may indeed have stepped on a landmine that you did not see or intend to touch.
It is not disordered, in such a situation, for interpersonal reactions to seem outsized to one or both parties. The inability to de-escalate, or to process all words exchanged, is common in such moments. That intense reaction needn't reflect on your friend, or you, or your relationship as a whole.
I encourage you to practice de-escalation tactics for now, give your friend plenty of space and non-verbal support (a heart emoji can go a long way), and try again later. Trying again needn't include agreement about that link or those protests.
I hope and believe that mutual peace and respect can be restored in time. Not only between you and your friend, but all of us humans, trying to find our way.
Actually ime it doesnt have to be about priveleges on either side of your issue with your friend.
In fact she may be disordered.
I understand that you were not trying to say 'no your experience shouldn't be that" but was trying to say 'i see your view will you look at mine.?".imo
But she couldnt do that. Looking at and admitting other descriminations exist may in her mind discount/cancle out the discriminations she is protesting. Ime Which is how disordered people in my life think. If you have pain, yours dont matter because theirs is greater!
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Our forum excels at providing support and guidance to those who struggle with the particular interpersonal issues that arise from personality disorders of others. Discussions that are inherently political, or highly emotional in ways not directly related to personality disorders, present a challenge. It is difficult to moderate such discussions in a way that gives everyone their say while preserving the focus of the website.