She got me good today

[foobarred]

So our apartment complex is having a patio sale, and I'd planned on selling some of my stuff.  So uDPD mom suddenly decides she has to sell a bunch of stuff, too, even though she has never, ever expressed any intention of getting rid of it before and has refused all my attempts to do so in the past.  She is a hoarder extraordinaire and never gets rid of anything.

So I spent this morning going through her stuff, and there near the top of the pile was a little stuffed bear I'd sent her and uN dad during my first week of medical school.  It had a little tshirt on it that said, "someone at X college of Medicine loves you"

That about tore out my heart.  It was so emblematic of our relationship - my never-ending attempts to secure affection and admiration, and their never- ending refusal to give both.  They INSISTED I become a doctor, raged when I suggested something else. Threatened to throw me out on the street and make me pay for my own education.   "We're doing this because we love you" they'd say.  Years later, after Ndad died, mom told me it was only because they "wanted someone to care for them in their old age"  That hospital bed in the middle of the living room that WomanInterrupted is always joking about?  I DID that for him.  I was his only doctor, on call 24/7, because he'd pissed off his primary, his oncologist, and his thoracic surgeon with his bullsh*t and they'd all signed off.

And she wants to sell it.  At a garage sale.

It's like they KNOW that you're trying to pull away.  I feel like I've been bleeding out all day.

[Andeza]

Not to be outdone, she has to sell a bunch of stuff too. For appearance's sake, because everybody else is cleaning up and clearing out and she doesn't want to be the one that doesn't. Still, odd for a hoarder.

I would have made the bear disappear... if you know what I mean. But that's me.

I'm sorry she's done this to you, and I'm really sorry they were able to control, essentially, your future happiness by yanking on the purse strings. To say they're doing something for you, only to turn around and say no, they really did it for themselves... Well, you're a better person than I am. I would have walked out and not looked back on that note.

Yes, they do know when you're trying to pull away. Their supply isn't being met because you start to "malfunction" and they can no longer perfectly predict how you'll react to something. They may wrap it up in the "What's wrong with you?" category, said with outrage. Or it may be the whole "Wow, you've changed..." dragging out the change as though all change is evil. How dare you change! She wants the hospital bed in your living room too...

Please protect yourself and your wellbeing. Please do something for yourself and do not feel obligated to see to your M's every need. Whether as simple as a bubble bath, or a day spent with a good book, or maybe you should take a vacation. You're a doctor, so I'm willing to bet you work insane hours, bust your butt, and in the words of Rodney Dangerfield, "can't get no respect." Please take the time to respect yourself, you do deserve it.

[WomanInterrupted]

Hi Foobarred - and welcome!   

I would have done what Andeza suggested and made the bear disappear, too. 

A hoarder selling stuff?  UnBPD Didi was also a hoarder and would try to offload her old clothes to me, and would get super-offended when I said no.  She'd donate them to the church - and she'd occasionally donate other things, too - in order to make room for more crap she didn't need! 

That bear  is symbolic of your entire relationship - I won a medal for singing, which Didi glommed onto and said was HERS, and I was told that when I moved out, it HAD to be left with her.   

When I dehoarded the place after she died, it was *gone* - and it didn't take up much room, at all!  I think that her way of saying, "Your accomplishment really meant nothing to me." 

Just like Medical School - which is a HUGE accomplishment    - was really just a means to an end, for your parents.

As a kid, I was told I could EITHER go to college OR get married.   They didn't have money for both.

My...how...1950's...of you, unBPD Didi and unNPD Ray.   

They *really* tried to discourage college, until I agreed not to be a nurse, like they'd wanted (women can't BE doctors in 1950's Land - and God help you if Ray ever saw a woman under the hood of a car!   ), but a Medical Assistant.

I didn't realize then they were setting me up to be their caregiver, all along.   

And that hospital bed in the living room was NO joke!   She expected that because it's what people of past generations used to do - I've heard many stories about it from not only my own FOO, but DH's, too.  Nursing homes weren't as common (or unheard of in Ye Olden Times of my great-grandparents), and there really wasn't such a thing as geriatric medicine - well, not as we know it.

My aunt lived with her adult DD, who was her caregiver toward the end of her life - but my aunt was a *kind* person, who'd give you the shirt off her back, even if she didn't have another.    My aunt and cousin had a great relationship - which I'd never had with Didi.

Didi thought she was OWED the same thing - but with a hospital bed *she didn't actually need* - because if my aunt got something, she MUST deserve something BETTER, to prove SHE is better! 

Did also knew I was pulling away before her attempt at going Full Metal Waif, but there really wasn't anything she could do about it except weaponize her words and spend more of her money on crap she didn't need, thinking it would take me *forever* to get rid of it all.

Nope - took me 6 months, once I gave her hoarder friend das boot and got rid of all the things she was interested in.   

She once said, "You'd tell me if you were mad at me."

Not a question - a statement of fact.   

I wasn't mad - I was DONE.  I told her I wasn't mad - I was just BUSY - because I knew she'd never accept the truth.   

Sometimes when you know they'll never accept the truth, it's best to walk away - and I think that might be the best thing you can do, Foobarred.  You do *not* want to go through what you went through with your father - but WORSE - because unBPD people - especially women, IME, can be *really* cunning and devious, and plan ways to stick it to you that you never saw coming.   

Sometimes it's little things - like that bear - that set off an avalanche of emotions.  You'd be wise to use that avalanche to protect yourself from your mom and her machinations.  If you want, you can start limiting contact, lowering contact, not visiting - or consider going NC and leaving her fate up to APS.   

It's entirely up to you - and it's NOT WRONG to walk away.   

And it's not wrong that a little bear that you thought was a kindness, being treated like unwanted rubbish, opened the floodgates.

Please treat yourself gently, and practice good self care while considering your next moves.   

[TriedTooHard]

Welcome.  I like your name - it pretty much sums it all up, doesn't it?

Congratulations on your accomplishments, its a pretty big deal to have achieved that.

You know the time has come for a true change when after a lifetime of putting up with all kinds of abuse, something like a garage sale, a simple sigh, a roll of the eye, interrupting you, or ignoring you, helps you to see it all. 

By the time we all get to this point, we know not to discuss it with the PD person, or anyone else who doesn't understand PDs.  We know what we have to do, and we know it might not always be easy to do it, but it sure is better than going back to the way things were.

Every step you make to pull away and gain your independence is a step in the right direction. 

I still have days when I feel lonely and wonder if I could have at least pulled it off by keeping certain people at arm's length and hiding my feelings.  Whenever that happens, I picture myself stopping whatever it is I'm doing to try and reach out to those FOO members that caused me so much grief.  I also picture myself trying to accomplish what I need to get done the next day, after yet another disappointing encounter with uPD FOO members.  I'd be in a bad mood, regain my fleas, and get back into the rut I used to be in.  I also remember all the times in the past when I declined invitations so I could cater to uPD FOO.  A lot of people say not to stress about the "what could have beens", but a little of that is a good deterrent for me.  I just can't do things with them the way I used to.  Not anymore.

[Lilyloo]

 

[Andeza]

As our best friend in the world is a marine, your name gives me a little smile every time I see it.

TriedTooHard said something interesting. We know not to discuss stuff with out PD peoples... It's true. I tried, just once or twice, to discuss with my uBPDM how she went overboard on the corporal punishment, and she gaslighted hardcore. It was amazing! She denies it was excessive. She denies it was abusive. She denies that her motivation was to keep me in line emotionally. I was not allowed to be angry at her.

But worst of all? She expected that to carry on into adulthood. I'm still, in her mind, not allowed to be angry at her and if she even thinks I am she turns into the most pathetic waif and starts the whole gambit of "kids don't come with instructions" "I was only doing what I thought was best" etc, etc, blah blah blah.

She's not a hoarder... but she's just a bit shy of it really. She kept my childhood toys, some of which I specifically wanted, for "when the grandkids come to play" So.... for once every other year or so? blegh

[Cat of the Canals]

Hugs to you. That realization that -- try as you might -- nothing you did was ever going to be enough? Yeah... it sucks. It hurts BAD.

(And I'm now having my own mini-realization... uPDmom strong-armed me into nursing school. Coincidentally, this was not long after uPDgrandmother died. It was a long illness that required private, in-home nursing care for a while. How did I not see that this was her way of ensuring she'd have her own private nurse, right in the family, trained to do her bidding.  )

[athene1399]

Welcome, Foobared. I am so sorry that you saw your token of love discarded like that. I could not imagine how painful that must feel for you.

[foobarred]

Thank you for all your replies - I'm printing them out and sticking them in my journal before the trauma amnesia eats everything.  And I confiscated Mr. Bear, as a visual reminder.  I put him on a shelf in front of uDPDmom's picture.   

I have a good therapist, but sometimes I think she was raised in too happy of a family.  Y'all *get* PDs. 

[Andeza]

Yay! I'm so happy you got Mr. Bear (I don't know why but that just made me genuinely ecstatic)