Keeping relationship with would-be FM

[Call Me Cordelia]

Is it possible? Has anyone managed to do it? With NC with my parents it proved absolutely impossible to stay in touch with anybody connected with them. Now I'm NC with the in-laws, DH is VLC.

An aunt of DH reached out for the first time in a year or so last night. The circumstances look fishy, gotta say. Recent fail by MIL to get me back in line, upcoming visit of MiL and FIL to this aunt and uncle, tells us no news from them, but asks for photos twice. Photos are a loaded subject for me. It's also a little odd that she writes specifically to me, but cc's my DH and directly addresses him in the email too.

On the other hand, it's not that unusual for this aunt to be distant and then ask for photos. And in fairness we haven't reached out to them either.

I think this time I do not want to ghost and test the waters a bit. Address the elephant in the room, which I'm sure she's heard about. Take the opportunity to try boundaries and see what happens. No being go between, you can't share anything about us with them and vice versa, no I'm not telling you the gory details as to why. Respect it or no photos for you either. Stated more nicely, of course.

One thing I'm not feeling confident about is sharing my pregnancy news. Normally we would have shared with the whole family by now but have been waiting for them to reach out. (Matching effort idea. Normally I reach out first.) Can't take it back. But on the other hand I'm pretty far along and can I really conceal a child forever? Withholding it would feel unnatural here. And maybe dishonest? Not sure. It would be a good test, if she can keep that one under her hat that says a lot. And if it gets back to MIL we'll know exactly how and what is she realistically going to do about it? Whine some more about how she's missing out on her grandchildren and try to drum up more sympathy. Show up and collect her restraining order award. But is it right to use a child like that? The other possibility is if the aunts (they're kind of enmeshed with each other) are going to react badly, pregnancy news might be used for guilt trip fuel. Maybe just keep it for the next time if this first response goes well? But that's kind of paranoid. Tricky. I'm leaning toward not sharing. Even that caution is going to test the relationship some more.

[ICantThinkOfAName]

I made the decision a long time ago that I had to assume that no matter what I shared,it would be shared with them. It has never failed. So I only share safe things and I do not have a relationship beyond just superficial with any one in my extended family. My uBPDm just has victimized herself at the hands of me. I have even gotten some messages alluding to the fact that I need to be set straight from people I haven't spoken to in years. People that do not know a thing about me other than what she says.  I would say not to make your aunt responsible to keep it quiet as you know she has contact as those PDs are really good at getting info. It puts your aunt in an awkward position to keep secrets and your mom will smell it and be angry with her. That's just my opinion and I don't know your aunt so maybe it might work, but I think she would have to be leaning towards your side and willing to keep your info safe. Good luck!  I'm sorry your are even in this position.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Thanks for your response. The thing is, I want no triangulation. If we have a relationship, great, but no passing of information back to the PDs. It's a safety thing. Even if she doesn't understand the why, that's our decision. We have a distant relationship anyway so no skin off my nose if she wants to fight it or if it's too hard to keep our relationship completely apart from her relationship with her brother and SIL (my FIL and MIL.) Heck she doesn't even have to think we're right. Just respect our privacy.

I'm not asking her to keep secrets so much as not get caught in the middle. Or is that the same thing? I mean yeah it's awkward no denying it. That's exactly why I don't want to pass on any details of the conflict whatsoever. Not her circus not her monkeys. I am asking for her to say to them or at least acknowledge the sentiment, "I'm sorry, but if Cordelia and your son aren't comfortable sharing that information with you it's certainly not my place to do so." Is that so wacky? MIL and FIL probably will be angry. Guess it's up to aunt and uncle if they can deal with that.

[Starboard Song]

I think it is entirely possible to maintain deep, loving relationships with would-be FMs.

The Flying Monkey moniker is a bit dangerous. I wish we would use it only to mean those people who are so fully enthralled with the PD that they truly do their bidding. By calling them a FM, we are calling them an evil-doer.

But that's not how I hear it used. Anyone who asks, "but don't you ever think you'll want to see her?" or "but she's still your mother!" Anyone who quotes scripture about forgiveness. Anyone who says maybe it was a misunderstanding, or it can't be that bad. All these people we call FMs.

But not understanding isn't evil doing, nor is goading someone towards what is normally our better angels. Nor is encouraging forgiveness or attempting to mediate a dispute. In the absence of PDs and abuse, all those sentiments and efforts are an important part of the glue that holds all our wacky, stressed-out families together.

If we let a PD and enabler pair rob us of all their siblings, and cousins, and neighbors, we are isolating ourselves, and letting the disorder sow ever more damage.

We no longer share information with those who might forward it inappropriately. We have trimmed the conversations we are willing to engage with. But otherwise, we've found that all the little bits of nascent FM behavior we were able to nip in the bud, and we kept the relationship on track with zero risks. They do create a little stress, but we aren't entitled, because of our brush with a PD, to have a stress-free life.

I'd encourage you to work hard to make this relationship safe and maintain it. It may get a little thinner, but there is real value to even a thinner family connection. If it goes full FM on you, and it could, that is a different story.

[mimzy]

I have had 1 dear friend of the family reach out to me and ask why I have gone no contact. I kept my answer brief and over email. I explained (Jade, I know.... but, in this case, it was my way of setting boundaries.) that my folks are incapable of taking responsibility for their mistakes. Nor are they interested in modifying their behavior when DH and I give them feedback about how it has been having a negative impact on us. This seemed to satisfy the family friend and she has yet to bring it up since. I also had a second friend of the family - longtime friend of my folks who I've kept in contact with sporadically over the years - reach out last year with a passive aggressive and rather transparent email about how he is aching for grandchildren that his millennial children will unlikely provide him with and "grandchildren are so important to grandparents." Like I said, it was transparent and so, so passive aggressive. It was obvious that my folks told him about me going no contact. I responded to his email by offering pleasantries and hope that his children might have a change of heart. Then I asked if this email was coming from him having spoken to my parents recently about something that happened between us. If he had said yes I would have recommended he read the book "Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers. Will I ever be good enough?" But he denied it and I haven't heard from him since.

Being 6 months pregnant with our second child, their second grandchild, DH and I were also faced with the dilemma of do we tell them or not? My therapist suggest we let them find out on their own, that opening a door to communication with them was asking for trouble, i.e. we would still be engaging in a tug of war with them. So we posted the news on our social media accounts and are allowing other folks to spread the word.

Good luck with everything. It's indeed very tricky and you never know when the FMs will strike. But I'm of the firm belief that explaining how they have behaved badly to inquiries is a good way to shut them up - at least it's worked so far.

[Call Me Cordelia]

By way of an update, I've received no response after a couple of weeks. Oh well.