It's done, it's completed, she is now uNPDxw. We have no ties, not financial, no legal, we have children together but that's it.
I am the happiest I have been for years, I was already getting happier but this just is a different feeling. I can't explain, it's amazing, its FLIPPING AMAZING.
I never thought I would be able to leave her, but here I am, FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
A HUGE congratulations! I so very happy for you EM! Its been a long battle my comrade, and very trying, but you were victorious! Well done soldier!
SoT
Congratulations! You stayed the course despite many obstacles.
Congratulations! So glad to hear that you are free. Wishing all the best for you and your girls going forward.
:applause: :phoot: :drinks:
Congratulations, EM!!!
Please continue to let us know how you're doing, we need the inspiration, and you've become a friend!
So happy for you!
Congratulations. You rolled that rock up the hill. When you thought you couldn't do it anymore, you put your shoulder into it and did it anyway. My hat is off to you.
Yipee!!!!! Congratulations!! :fireworks: :fireworks:
:fireworks: :party: :phoot: :bighug: :cake:
EXCELLENT!!!
Thank you all for your kind words, I am still not really grasping that I am no longer married to her. Completely expected, as the ending of the marriage also ended the no contact order, she contacted me and tried to meet up and sort some practical things together. Now is the time to start being strong and not let my guard down, for her I don't think much change regarding her "owning" me. I will keep as low contact as possible, only keep straight to the point, and unless it is an emergency never reply to any emails the same day.
I will stay around and I will keep telling my story.
The world certainly feel different today.
"Practical things," such as? In truth your only connection to her now is your children, and apparently they're of an age they get to choose and initiate contact with her. Unless it's coordinating something in that regard (where/when you drop off or pick up), what's actually needed here?
Quote from: moglow on April 04, 2023, 12:16:03 PM
"Practical things," such as? In truth your only connection to her now is your children, and apparently they're of an age they get to choose and initiate contact with her. Unless it's coordinating something in that regard (where/when you drop off or pick up), what's actually needed here?
We still have the house to sell, but the only thing to coordinate is when she can collect her items. But to close down our joint bank accounts, the bank either need a letter signed by both of us or for us both to go down the bank together and close it, I am sure you can guess which was her suggestion ::)
Regarding the kids, there is no co parenting and there is no seeing the other parent so zero need for contact at the moment.
I can relate to this, escapingman. As I've mentioned before in this website, I approached the divorce and crafted a divorce agreement with the goal of minimizing the number of things my then spouse would have to do and maximizing the number of things I could do without his signature. In our case, this is because every piece of mail he had to open, document he had to sign, and contact he had to make with an organization or company was a burden for him. But even with my best efforts, there still are things that require him to act, and to this day (seven years since the divorce), I occasionally need to make contact with him to avoid negative ramifications for me or our children.
:fireworks: :fireworks: :fireworks:
:thewave:
:party:
Congrats!!!!
This is becoming quite amusing, lets see how long before her mask slips this time. We got sent lots of documents to read and fill in about the house sale, less than 24 hours has gone and she has tried to fill in them all and sent me an email to ASAP do everything missing and to answer all her questions. There is absolutely zero rush on this and can be done anytime within the next week or so. This is making me remember her stressed out OCD that everything needs to be done perfect and as soon as possible, she even made a comment on how I should fill in the tick boxes in the form ;D
Quote from: escapingman on April 05, 2023, 04:30:36 AM
This is becoming quite amusing, lets see how long before her mask slips this time. We got sent lots of documents to read and fill in about the house sale, less than 24 hours has gone and she has tried to fill in them all and sent me an email to ASAP do everything missing and to answer all her questions. There is absolutely zero rush on this and can be done anytime within the next week or so. This is making me remember her stressed out OCD that everything needs to be done perfect and as soon as possible, she even made a comment on how I should fill in the tick boxes in the form ;D
This is quite a change from weeks ago, when you were continuing to see no end of the road in her stalled state. I understand PD's can be full on/off, vs sensible steady progress, but for me, time is money 🤜🏼
I will gladly accept proactivity from my stbx and I will jump all over it, as long as it's done correctly. In my situation, turning unknowns to knowns is beneficial for me as I plan my future, but my stbx is in no hurry at this moment. Wishing you steady forward momentum and congrats again on all the positives at this time.
SoT
escapingman - something that is standing out to me is the spidey senses you have developed for potential manipulative behaviors as you finish strong in gaining your freedom. Your words ring with confidence and insight. I am imagining how all of the deep work you have done and skill set you have developed will serve you in every area of your life.
You can be so very proud of all you have accomplished and pushed through. Just so happy for you!!!
Quote from: SonofThunder on April 05, 2023, 06:24:42 AM
This is quite a change from weeks ago, when you were continuing to see no end of the road in her stalled state. I understand PD's can be full on/off, vs sensible steady progress, but for me, time is money 🤜🏼
I will gladly accept proactivity from my stbx and I will jump all over it, as long as it's done correctly. In my situation, turning unknowns to knowns is beneficial for me as I plan my future, but my stbx is in no hurry at this moment. Wishing you steady forward momentum and congrats again on all the positives at this time.
SoT
Something has happened, she tried to delay everything and dragged her heals on everything. Suddenly she want everything done in one day. The fun thing is that the way it all turned round is that I have all the control now, I am in the house, I am allowed to live in the house until sold, and there is no clause on how long that might be. If she start to panic so be it, that's her problem, not mine. But of course I am going along with everything and will do my bits, it's just that I have other things to do as well (work for example) and she will find out the hard way that I am not jumping when she asks me to anymore.
Quote from: user on April 05, 2023, 09:26:16 AM
EM, something that occurred to me...instead of "escapingman" you are now "escapedman"! 🎉
I really feel I escaped, but when finally moving in to my new house I think the reality will really hit. Can't wait and it shouldn't be too long now.
Quote from: bloomie on April 05, 2023, 08:16:16 AM
escapingman - something that is standing out to me is the spidey senses you have developed for potential manipulative behaviors as you finish strong in gaining your freedom. Your words ring with confidence and insight. I am imagining how all of the deep work you have done and skill set you have developed will serve you in every area of your life.
You can be so very proud of all you have accomplished and pushed through. Just so happy for you!!!
I think the biggest changes came when I decided I am not under any circumstance be a victim anymore. As the entire court process and involvement of the social worker made me be a victim it was a struggle, but as soon as the SW was out of our way I could grow. I have listened to tons of audiobooks and the biggest shift was to only listen to healing books and books about me, not uNPDxw. I still watch some youtube channels about narcs as need to remind myself, but I know what they are and that I can not change them. My biggest fear though is to meet uNPDxw face to face as I don't know how my body and brain will react.
No surprises here, I am still working on replying to and handle her first email yesterday. Now her third, second today arrived.
She must have been starving for contacting me.
Quote from: escapingman on April 05, 2023, 03:04:39 PM
No surprises here, I am still working on replying to and handle her first email yesterday. Now her third, second today arrived.
She must have been starving for contacting me.
I will be full toolbox mode with my uPDex and uNPDfather forever, regardless of any time or change of circumstance. I am confident you and I think alike on that subject, so continued encouragement as you still have business to take care of and minor children together.
SoT
Quote from: SonofThunder on April 06, 2023, 03:24:40 PM
I will be full toolbox mode with my uPDex and uNPDfather forever, regardless of any time or change of circumstance. I am confident you and I think alike on that subject, so continued encouragement as you still have business to take care of and minor children together.
SoT
I have set a rule to myself to never reply to anything from ex wife without sleeping on it, unless it is either urgent or very simple. I am very much using the toolbox with her now and I am as much MC as I can. She is asking me how I am and tries to get any emotional response from me, but I am keeping to facts and keep it all as short as possible. We are indeed in a high contact time with selling the house, dividing the content and having her entering the house for the first time in almost a year.
I am treating my FOO the same, the lowest possible contact without stopping it. It's hard, but it's the only way to keep me sane.
Quote from: escapingman on April 06, 2023, 04:14:25 PM
Quote from: SonofThunder on April 06, 2023, 03:24:40 PM
I will be full toolbox mode with my uPDex and uNPDfather forever, regardless of any time or change of circumstance. I am confident you and I think alike on that subject, so continued encouragement as you still have business to take care of and minor children together.
SoT
I have set a rule to myself to never reply to anything from ex wife without sleeping on it, unless it is either urgent or very simple. I am very much using the toolbox with her now and I am as much MC as I can. She is asking me how I am and tries to get any emotional response from me, but I am keeping to facts and keep it all as short as possible. We are indeed in a high contact time with selling the house, dividing the content and having her entering the house for the first time in almost a year.
I am treating my FOO the same, the lowest possible contact without stopping it. It's hard, but it's the only way to keep me sane.
Sounds like a perfect plan EM. Well done!
SoT
I am going to create new thread in the working on me forum later, but in shirt she has reappeared in my dreams after this heightened contact finalising everything. I hope this is temporary but not pleasant at all to wake up feeling like I am back in the relationship.
I used to have dreams like that..... and they were very odd dreams too.
So real.
I think it's just your subconscious trying to work out what's what. Being mindful, examining the tough feelings when you're in a good head space.... sitting with the wounded/frightened/freaked out parts of yourself, while examining the upsetting feelings is one way to process the trauma and move through and beyond it, IME.
First, I have to notice what I'm feeling THEN I ask permission from my upset part to give me some space...... I keep that part close to me, maybe sit next to it or hug it as I reassure it I'll stay with it and help it get past whatever is upsetting it.... validate it with gusto...... be very patient and break it into the smallest pieces for examination.
This is something I still do with my T, btw. I haven't quite moved wholly into a place where I do this with the BIGGER issues. I handle the smaller ones pretty well on a daily basis.
I wish I'd know to do this 20 years ago when I was freshly away from my abusive ASPD N.
Hi,
Iam just new here.
What was her suggestion?
I have difficulties to understand what you mean.
T
Quote from: escapingman on April 04, 2023, 12:35:06 PM
Quote from: moglow on April 04, 2023, 12:16:03 PM
"Practical things," such as? In truth your only connection to her now is your children, and apparently they're of an age they get to choose and initiate contact with her. Unless it's coordinating something in that regard (where/when you drop off or pick up), what's actually needed here?
We still have the house to sell, but the only thing to coordinate is when she can collect her items. But to close down our joint bank accounts, the bank either need a letter signed by both of us or for us both to go down the bank together and close it, I am sure you can guess which was her suggestion ::)
Regarding the kids, there is no co parenting and there is no seeing the other parent so zero need for contact at the moment.
Hi, Tirol. Welcome to Out of the FOG. Reading past posts can be very helpful to understanding how to deal with pwPDs. The toolbox is also central to what we practice here. And when you feel like sharing about your situation, you can get good support and feedback.
As far as what EM said, I guess he'd have to answer that if he sees these posts. My interpretation was that PDs usually like to pull you into more involvement where they can exert more manipulation and control, but I could be mistaken. Anyway, glad you're here and I hope you let us know how you're doing!
Hi Tirol and welcome.
Lookin 2 B Free is right, uNPDxw thought we should go to the bank together rather than signing a document. Anyway, shortly after me rejecting the idea of meeting up to go to the bank she found an online form she could fill in :laugh:
As Lookin said, PD's often go to great length to try to make us engage with them. The attempts she has done to get me involved since our divorce was finalised would be laughable if it wasn't so sad.