No Contact and Death

[sunshine702]

Sigh. So I lost my father in law on Tuesday.  There are three brothers in their family.  J is the oldest brother and is completely estranged NC from the parents and barely talks to the other two brothers.  When my father in law had his first heart attack 4 years ago my husband called him and begged him to get in contact with his mom.  Nothing.  Now the death.  And we have everyone asking "Does G know?" Yes we texted him.  "Is he coming? ". No we don't think so.  "Why? Sigh we don't know.  They really do not know at all.

You know I really don't see personally disorders with his parents.  I don't really know what happened either. I don't see abuse but I wasn't there then.

Sigh.  It has had me really thinking about NC with my mom.  Something That would be healthy for me and I dream about from time to time but then I do see the pain and confusion they are gaing through.  And it makes me so torn.    I worry about that finality. 

[Tribe16]

Sunshine,
I see this was posted months ago, but wanted to say I'm thinking about you today and hope you have been able to make peace with some of the concerns you had and offer belated condolences on the loss of your FIL. I can't quite pull the plug on contact with my NMom, but am VVVLC and it is better than being in contact regularly with her (not perfect by any means) and less stress than completely blocking her everywhere.

All the best to you.

[Nina]

@Sunshine702 I have just joined this forum and noticed your post from earlier in the year. Back then I was putting things in place to go NC with my mother, and now my mother has died just 2 weeks ago.

Going NC was hugely painful but necessary for me. And I'm also so pleased I was there at the end which turned out to be extremely healing. I was the only sib there, as it happens, when NMum passed away, and I'm glad I kept enough channels of communication open with mum and my sister for that to be possible.

I don't know what's going on in your husband's family or in yours, but NC is only ever a last resort. And, speaking from experience, I do think it's worth thinking through what will happen when our parents reach the end of their lives, and also I think this is something that would benefit from greater attention in general. I was really fortunate things worked out as they did, but it could have been very different.

Wishing you all the best.