Escape to survive

[Truthseeker1]

Well, I did it! All it took was to be told one more time on a workday that I was not allowed to sleep on a separate floor, in a separate room in my own house, because she was mad at me for reading a book about narcissism. I often wondered what would happen if she found that book that I so carefully hid in the secret pocket in the back of my backpack. Now I no longer have to wonder. The first step was easy to predict. She brings me the book and accuses me of everything I have written in the book. Next, tearing out the pages, and throwing them in the burn barrel with a smirk on her face. As she was doing it I was not surprised or even emotional. It was all just so predictable. I just told myself that's the only copy I had but that's not the only copy Amazon has. She had ignored my request to stop verbally assaulting me. Once again gone through my private things and began another gaslight campaign.  I was a little taken aback by my lack of suprise and lack of emotion as I calmly got in my car and drove away. I made a few phone calls from the safety of my car and processed my living nightmare with my friends. I entually got tired and wanted nothing more than to go back and go to sleep, so that I could get up early in the morning early and go to work. I began to dialog with her by text. She of course was angry and wanted nothing to do with me but she did not flat out deny me access to the house. When I got there however, she would have none of it. I went to another  level in another bedroom and went to bed.  It wasn't two min before she was at the locked door demanding I leave "her" house. Even though my name is on the deed and I have paid for 100% of the house and its contents. She still had the gall to tell me I was not welcome in her house, and that I had to leave. I told her gently that I was going to sleep upstairs and she would not see me until the following evening. I would be gone when she woke up. She vehemently told me no I would not be staying in "her" house. I took out my phone to look up the law for her. She thought I was going to record her, so she immediately slapped it out of my hand.  Unfortunately, she had slapped the last bit of patience out of my hand as well. That's when the yelling started both ways, she can always outdo me in that department so I let her have the verbal victory and I ran downstairs to grab just the basics so that I can sleep in a hotel and go to work in the morning. While I was grabbing my clothes, she was grabbing my passport and my wallet , she even grabbed the spare key to my car I could hear her coming my way, so I grabbed my things and escaped as quickly as I could while she was still verbally badgering me on the way out the door. As I drove I contemplated the ridiculousness of it all. I called by friend to process. He offered me a place to stay the night and an empathetic ear. He had escaped a narcissistic marriage a few years earlier and was able to offer an understanding ear. The following day I began to call what is left of my support people. Over the years as people have begun to see the craziness of our life, she would begin to attack their character until I finally believed her and wrote them off.  I was however allowed to have some church and life group friends  as long as I played like the relationship was wonderful. So I began to share my reality with my friends. They have been so loving and kind that I have been blown away. I thought they would never understand but some had been in similar situations in their past. Others may not have understood the dynamic well but they did all remain so kind, loving, accepting and supportive that I have been able to remain away for 6 days.  I feel like a miracle will be necessary for me to ever go back. I feel like I finally understand what the dynamic has done to me as an individual. I had lost my individuality I had become an extension of her. I am starting to remember who I am. My life has been crazy for over 30 years sharing the craziness with my friends and receiving their support has allowed me to see it more. Clearly I no longer feel completely victimized by it I setting boundaries and sticking to them. I see that I may be able to find myself again, I don't know what tomorrow brings but I know who holds tomorrow. And I have finally escaped the Tierny.

[square]

Damn.

Wow.

You handled that like an expert. My hat is off to you.

I am so sorry you had to go through that and everything else. But proud of how you managed it.

Prepare yourself for the hoovering. Whatever temptation you have, she will not change.

Wonderful to hear you have support.

[Truthseeker1]

Thank you square,
She has baited me repeatedly but by Gods grace I see it for what it is.
I don't think I could have done it without the support. They have all listened to me and validated for me the craziness of it all. With out me asking each one has commented " I am sorry you are going through this and I can assure you this is not normal". Just those few words have given me tremendous strength to stand in integrity and with a firm but appropriate boundary.

[Truthseeker1]

The Hoover is running but I am like a burr in the carpet! I feel the suction but I am not being sucked in.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

I do agree with the wording in the title of your post "Escape to survive". I feel in my bones that escaping from an intimate relationship with narcissist dynamics is an act of survival and self-rescue. We rescue our mind, spirit, heart, soul and sometimes our physical wellbeing. 

I too think you handled the situation skillfully. 

You mention finally understanding what the dynamic has done to you. That clarity can be powerful. Feeling like you lost your identity and were an extension of someone else I believe is real. That can take a high toll. Losing what makes you "you" to me sort of feels like extinguishing our sacred being.

To see it and no longer feel victimized by it I believe is a huge step in a healthy direction. Not knowing what tomorrow brings, but knowing you hold tomorrow I think is a great place to be.

[escapingman]

WOW Truthseeker, what an insight. Your ending and how you got out is so similar to how I finally got out of my marriage to uNPDxw. I too left the house with just a bag with my work stuff and my car keys and passport. I remember her screaming at me inches away from my face whilst sitting on the stairs getting my shoes on. I then picked my DD up from school, tried to pick up DD2 as well but she was and still is in the FOG, and then went to a hotel. I never looked back.

Well done and good luck!