Scapegoated by 'friend' for war overseas(???!!)

[JollyJazz]

 

Hi All,

I just wanted to reach out for some help and advice.

A few months ago I had an issue with a 'friend', or should I say ex-friend because I don't really want to hang out anymore...

Anyway, this friend has generally been quite nice, almost too much so, in a 'nice guy' male friend that maybe wants more. Anyway I just have been friends with him and didn't see him that often.

Anyhow, last December I went to visit the friend group that he's part of, and he had gotten into a major conflict with an ex-roommate of his. I ended up talking to him and trying to talk things through and he started ranting at me an interrogating me about my opinions on a certain war in the news at the moment.

Now, for the record, I am against war, and am against violence etc. I'm also not really an expert on the conflict but from this person's perspective one would think my opinions were very uncontroversial.

Anyway, I was surprised by how 'aggro' this person was, and I just felt like they were taking their anger at their room mate, society etc. out on me.

I am generally regarded as a very kind and nice person etc. and I just wonder if this is making me a target for certain personality types.

This really gets to me because I have been scapegoated by my family of origin, and so I wonder if perhaps there are signals that we give off etc.

I had another experience with this ex-friend that made me cut the cord completely, where he also lashes out at me at a gathering of other friends.

I know for a fact I haven't done anything but been nice to this person and the political stuff is extra bizarre.

For the record I wasn't the one bringing up the political stuff and this person seems unhealthily obsessed with the whole issue...

He is under stress at the moment, but I'm disinclined to stay friends with someone who thinks it's okay to treat me like an emotional punching bag.

Anyway, I was wondering if anyone out there can relate and whether anyone has some tips on how to have better 'self defence' against scapegoating.

[JollyJazz]

P. S. A little more context: I did try and steer the conversation away from the overseas war topic (which person mentioned). A couple of months ago the person also had some other reason/excuse for being super rude, I'm not sure what it was, but it just seemed like that, an excuse...

[Lookin 2 B Free]

JollyJazz, Sorry to hear your "friends" are vomiting their frustration and anger at you.  I don't get that treatment much anymore but I used to.

I think tolerant and kind good listeners are sometimes sitting ducks for people who want to be verbally inappropriate, whether it's ranting or compulsive talking, or TMI stuff.  My take is they want to be allowed to do their verbal acting out without having someone cut them off, so they find people who won't.

If more subtle things don't work, like what you did or gently letting them know you don't want to have those kinds of conversations, I've found I have to do the very uncomfortable blunt boundary setting.  I remember dining out with 2 people who knew I didn't like political ranting but would do it anyway.  I said at the beginning of the meal that if the discussion turned that direction I was going to excuse myself from the table.  And I followed through.  After walking around about 5 minutes, I came back and we had a nice rest of the meal sans any ranting.

I also have a good friend, a man, who wanted to discuss politics with me.  He was trying to be appropriate, but he'd always end up getting worked up.  I just told him I didn't want to try anymore, that I didn't want to leave our get togethers feeling worse for having spent time with him.  He's a person who wants to be respectful and did not want to be putting me off, so he apologized and stopped.

I wish you luck with it.  It seems with some people only blunt boundary setting has an impact.

[JollyJazz]

Hi Looking2BFree,

Thanks for your thoughts and suggestions 

I should clarify, I have done the very blunt boundary setting, this person's behavior was so bad the second time (when I unexpectedly saw him at a mutual friend's house) that I have decided to end the friendship.

It was the scapegoating that really sealed the deal for me!

[Rebel13]

Hi Jolly Jazz, your post reminded me of a similar experience I had back in the early 2000s I think? I had gotten back in touch with a high school acquaintance and soon after, a different war broke out. This person and I had very different lifestyles and political views but she could not deal with the disagreement and the situation devolved quickly. That relationship also didn't survive the conflict.

I agree with Lookin 2 B Free, that some people pick up signals from those of us who've been trained to be agreeable and take on negativity from others. I can't count the number of "friendships" I've given up on because the other person was so self absorbed and used me as a verbal punching bag or a mirror reflecting them at twice their actual size. I think and hope I'm at a place in my life now where I can spot those people coming and shut them down using Lookin's "blunt boundary setting" but it sure took a while and a lot of effort to get there.  I wish you good luck with that as you go on in your life!

[JollyJazz]

some people pick up signals from those of us who've been trained to be agreeable and take on negativity from others.

Yes, this exactly! I'm just feeling glad that I shut it down by ending this 'friendship'. Totally toxic!

Thank you for sharing your experience Rebel13, and so eloquently put!

[Catothecat]

I think this is a fairly common habit with narcs and NPDs--to somehow blame you for their negative feelings or experiences.  And they do it because they've learned you'll take it.  If you care about the person, or value them as a friend, naturally you'll try to help them over their negativity, or at least lend a sympathetic ear.  But then they push that boundary and you become the space for dumping their feelings.  Or like Rebel said--a mirror they're looking into.  In any event, it's never about you or having any type of genuine dialogue.  You're just being pulled into a situation you didn't create.  And narcs and NPDs don't seem to know how to respond when you refuse to occupy your assigned role.  Too often it takes some type of "walking away" for them to stop. 

When I was married to my NPDh, this type of behavior went on until we divorced.  At that time, I couldn't understand what was going on.  If he was angry or upset over something I had nothing to do with, he would still drag me into it so I would be forced to deal with it.  One of our last such "discussions" happened after he had a disagreement with an old friend, and suddenly I was being lectured on my attitude and comments towards this old friend...who I hadn't seen in months and certainly hadn't witnessed or been involved in their disagreement!  But my exh was putting his words into my mouth and then I became the "bad person" so he could focus on me (he couldn't focus on the friend because the friend likely wasn't having it).  Since back then I didn't have the tools to deal with situations like that, I remained passive and let it go.

Now I do what the others have advised and what you seem to have done--I just let the other person know, one way or another, I'm not interested in having the discussion.  If they persist, I literally or figuratively walk away. But walk away I do.  And I've found there's no downside to doing so.

[JollyJazz]

Great points! Thank you.

Yes, and I think the wonderful thing is both walking away, and feeling absolutely no guilt about doing so! 

[Rebel13]

the wonderful thing is both walking away, and feeling absolutely no guilt about doing so! 

Oh my gosh isn't this so true!?!?!?! Lately I have been realizing, and repeating to myself, that there is no prize in life. There's no award for being the good daughter or the self-sacrificing friend or even having a tiny waist or a spotless house. Those anxieties and aspirations were implanted in me by people who were advantaged by my behaving in those ways, and in reality, in my life now, most people don't care about how I rank on any of those scales! I get to please myself and do what makes sense to me. Some people might believe there is judgment of us somewhere, sometime, but I have learned for sure it isn't on this plane!

[JollyJazz]

Gosh, that's a good way to see it!!!

Yes I think also we are programmed to try and be 'pleasers'to achieve things in order to hopefully get a shred of love or acceptance, when we walk away we really liberate ourselves!