Hiding the secrets

[Dinah-sore]

Hi quick question, I was reading yesterday that if you try to hide or keep secret bad things your husband does to the kids (like how he lost his temper and pushed my daughter after exploding on me), if it ever comes to light, that I could be in trouble for enabling it.

So I told my mom today, and that I was scared and maybe I should tell my therapist so I know it is out in the open, and I tried to get help, and get advice from her, to protect ME and the kids.

My mom flipped out and told me that if I tell anyone who is a mandated reporter what happened that I WILL lose custody of the kids because the government will get involved and that they will take my husbands side and take the kids from both of us, and that my DH will tell them all the bad things I have done, and that I have self harmed and that I will lose my kids.

I think she might be catastrophizing. I am not sure if I spelled that right? LOL. I don't think they do that. I think they come in and try to help. I mean we had a kid in the youth group getting punched by her dad and called CPS and she wasn't even removed from the home, and her dad had to get help.

But my mom was flipping out and yelling at me that I need to keep silent or else I will lose everything.

And I told her that websites say I could actually get more in trouble for not doing anything. She said that is a lie and I can never tell anyone.

I was like "mom, DH has nothing to tell CPS about me that would put me in danger. I don't break the law and I don't hurt my family." And she said the cutting could ruin it for me, or because I am in therapy he can tell them that I am crazy or because I had suicidal ideation a few times (because of the stress of life) that I will lose the kids.

I don't know what to do. I asked him to separate, he said no, and legally I can't force him to. I asked him to get into therapy he said no, but now he is seeing a counselor/pastor. I am working on myself in therapy, but I don't rage on my family like that. I am considering calling a friend who is a family lawyer, to talk about options, but if I do that I need to handle this right too. Because this will be part of that. So I am just so confused.

I don't want to get in trouble, but most importantly I want to protect my kids.

I don't want to make choices based on cowardice, but in wisdom. I want to do what is best and be brave and stand for what is right and true. I also don't want to hurt him, but he may not change unless he has to face someone who calls him on his crap.

And also, as a footnote, why would I want to stay in a relationship with a man who when he is questioned about abusing his family, would further hurt his family by throwing his suffering wife under the bus. He should be so appreciative of the work I have done this last year and a half taking care of his sick children, not demanding it should have done it without as much visible suffering.

If he threw me under the bus, it would be a shock, but also a sign that he is even worse than I could imagine.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Please stop listening to your mother. I'm sorry to put it so blunt, but I believe she taught you to accept abuse in the first place. She is not looking out for you or the children here. You are seeking help and she heaps on shame and fear.

[all4peace]

These are important and vital questions you're asking. It isn't simple, and people can behave in unpredictable ways when they feel threatened (your husband, your mother).

I think it's important to acknowledge who are mandatory reporters (like a therapist) and who is not (your family friend attorney). While I would imagine many CPS agencies and providers are working to help families and not to break them up, factually you won't have control over who looks at your case if it's reported. I find it highly unlikely that a family would be broken up over a shoving incident, but I also cannot possibly promise that.

I think it may be useful for you to get really clear within yourself what your needs are. Are you looking for support? For your husband to change? For him to be scared into reforming? For help from someone outside your family? I would advocate for you spending time and energy literally writing out what you want and don't want, need and don't need, and what you can control and can't control. Then see which choices give you the most of what you do want and the least of what you don't want.

I haven't been on the forum as much as I used to, so maybe I missed other post that would answer this question, but is leaving with your kids something you're willing to consider?

I'm sorry you're facing these incredibly difficult choices and challenges. It must be really painful and difficult.

[square]

CPS is looking to ensure the safety of children. When one parent is physically abusing children and the other reports it, they are looking to keep the kids with the non abusive parent, not punish that parent for seeking help.

I know a family where CPS is involved, and that concept came up.

If your H tells them about cutting and SI, my instinct is they will either ignore it or want to see evidence you are in therapy, which you are, so case closed.

CPS doesn't want to take kids away from both parents.

Also, your H doesn't have to agree to seperate. You can decide alone.

Forcing him out of the house is the tricky thing. You need a lawyer for this.

[Boat Babe]

If a non abusive parent reports that their child is being abused, and that non abusive parent cooperates reasonably with the relevant authorities there really should not be any problem. (I am in the UK)

I think your mother is talking out of her backside to be honest. That is just awful advice.

I hope that you are getting support for cutting (historical or present day.) It's a coping mechanism for emotional pain, as you know. Sounds like you need some good people in your corner.  Sending hugs.

[Latchkey]

Hi Dinah-sore,

Others have given good advice here. Unfortunately, even with a mandated reporter the line from abusive parenting to having any kind of action taken is usually long. My situation, over 10 years ago now, was that there was a lot of emphasis on if the kids were in immediate danger.  What really saved us was a good attorney not CPS.
Talking with your T is important and also with an attorney. I am not sure where you are at in terms of things but making calls and preparations if you need to leave is a good idea.
This is a link to create a safety plan
https://www.thehotline.org/plan-for-safety/create-a-safety-plan/


Put Children First

[notrightinthehead]

Dinah,  break the silence! Do not listen to your mother. Remember how horribly she treated you when your best friend died. Break the silence as keeping the secret would make you an enabler in the horrible abuse you are subjected to.

[Joga]

Dinah-sore, please don't be afraid to confide in your therapist! You need the support, and you need her help to formulate a plan to get away from your H.

I'm in a similar situation minus the physical abuse. I came clean to my therapist last week about all the emotional/verbal abuse. I'm hoping she doesn't call CPS, but if she does, I will deal with it. I needed the support and to know I'm not crazy. My mom said I should sugarcoat what I told her because I don't need the extra stress of a CPS investigation, but I feel it's important to be totally honest for my own healing. I can't fully heal if I continue to cover up the abuse.

Please, do it for yourself and children!

[BeautifulCrazy]

One of the things I would do over, given the chance, is share the truth about what was going on in my home with as many people as possible.
I would have talked to my family doctor, emergency room doctors, police, CPS, the domestic violence shelter, counselling centers, people at church, people in the schools.... anywhere I could. If I could go back in time, I would have sought advice and help from anywhere and everywhere so that when I finally left, I would not have been working from the defensive position of trying to convince anyone that I was NOT the crazy one making up horrible stories and that I had not abducted the children. Mostly I mean professionals and community organizations, but I would have brought a few friends and family into my circle of trust too, instead of blindsiding them with how insane things really were when things finally fell completely apart. They would have been able to support me so much better.
It would have been easier for me too, not having so many additional burdens of trying to figure out important next steps from within an already chaotic situation (in a dv shelter) while also under relentless attack by my husband.

[Boat Babe]