Will the pain ever stop?

[southernmoon]

So this is my first post. I've been married to a narcissist for 2 years now. It started out wonderful, he was everything I wanted in a partner. Shortly after we got married, he left for 2 months because he was "confused". He came back and it just went downhill. He started being unfaithful, and then the criticism started. I never "understood" him, every problem was my fault, he would call me names, put me down, deny me affection unless he wanted to dole it out. It was always about him, my feelings were not important. If I tried to discuss them, he would say I'm making it all about me. The tiniest thing would set him off and he would berate me for hours. He worked off and on, never holding a job for more than a month or two. I consistently supported us, would come home, clean up his mess from the day, cook dinner, clean the kitchen, listen to him about his day, watch what he wanted, listen to the music he wanted, do everything to make him happy, but he never was. He would tell me I was selfish and never thought about him. Finally, about six months ago, he started getting physical. It started with a push here, or leaning in over me and yelling, then slapping me once, or grabbing me too hard. He finally said he wanted a divorce and he's joining the service. We had a bad fight last week, he held me down, slapped me multiple times, spit on my face, grabbed my hair and lightly smacked my head into the closet door. He started choking me till I couldn't breathe and said he hates me and wants to kill me.  He finally stopped and the next day we got the papers signed, and he left for basic on Sunday. Despite all of this, I'm still so sad and hurting. He consistently told me nobody will want me and I'm going to end up miserable and alone. I'm 41 and never lived alone before, this is the first time. I'm scared, hurting and confused. He was so cruel to me, yet I still miss him. I know I shouldn't, but right now I feel like I can hardly breathe without him. I'm doing NC, not by choice, but hoping it will be by choice before he gets out of basic. Will the pain ever stop?!

[notrightinthehead]

Welcome! A short answer - yes it will. It took me two years though. It also took me serious, painful work on myself.  Do you have a social support network? Trusted friends? A counsellor? Therapist? Do you attend any self-help groups like CoDA? Is there a women's shelter that can help you find support in your vicinity? After what you have been through, you need all the help you can get.
I am so glad, you are out of this dangerous relationship. During your healing journey you will look at yourself and the traits you have, that have kept you in this relationship.  Be kind to yourself now, treat yourself as a loving mother would.

[Lookin 2 B Free]

Southernmoon, my heart goes out to you.  You are not alone.  There are many of us who have been through our own versions of what you describe, and walked through those confusing feelings of longing to be with the one who abused us.  This is trauma bonding and, destructive as it is, it is a bond which is very hard to break.  It can be done, though. 

I'm not as far along as Not Right, (I'm 8 mos NC now), but I'm starting to feel much less despair, fear, and brokenheartedness, and gaining hope.  There are tools and resources here and people to reach out to, as you have.  I've tried all the suggestions NotRight made and been glad for every one of them.  I must say that it's taking months of NC to start seeing things more clearly.  When I tried to leave before and minimized contact, but didn't go NC, I could not see things as they were and ended up back with him.  I heard a DV counselor say that over time (without intensive treatment) the abuse gets worse, not better.  This has been my experience.  I hope you get lots of good support and stay safe!

[southernmoon]

Thank you both. I am starting with a therapist, and currently looking for CoDA meetings in my area. I have family thankfully, and a few friends I wasn't completely isolated from. I'm trying to do all I can, the pain is just unbearable at times. I'm taking it one day at a time, but talking to others that have faced the same does help. Hugs to you both! 😊

[GettingOOTF]

This sounds horrific. I'm really sorry.

I left an abusive marriage. The pain does go away but it takes time and work. I highly recommend reading Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. It helped me understand the seriousness of my abuse. Codependent No More helped with my healing.

Choking is the NUMBER ONE indicator of lethality in intimate partner violence. A man who puts his hands on a woman's throat is EIGHT TIMES more likely to kill her than a man who "only" beats her.

I lived alone for the first time at 42. You can absolutely do do this. Read all you can on domestic violence, codependency and building self worth. Crazy Love by Leslie Steiner is an excellent memoir by a woman who left a horrifically abusive marriage and rebuilt her life.

Hang in there. Keep moving forward. You can absolutely do this.

[clara]

Yes!  As the others have said, it's absolutely the truth. 

For me, not being around someone I was once involved with, including my NPDexh, made the difference.  As long as the person was in my life in some way, the feelings wouldn't entirely go away.  I had to put physical distance between myself and that person, including not seeing them, talking to them, anything that kept any type of connection going. It takes effort but the day will finally come when you realize you're not thinking about them all of the time, not reflecting on the past and your life together.  You've evicted them from your head space, and the feeling is incredibly good because it frees up that space for someone more worthwhile.   

[Liftedfog]

The pain will go away as long as you remain away from him.  Block him. Cease all contact because at any point in time he may come back and start the abuse again. They don't change. They are not capable of changing. Stick to your support system and every day completely not in contact with him you will get stronger. I promise.

[Free2Bme]

southernmoon,

What you write is very similar to my experience with my updhx.  However, I chose to hang on to the relationship and fantasize about him changing and ultimately having a loving, reciprocal relationship. 

This is what happened to me when I chose to stay~ 
For 20 years. -
My thrities...gone... forties....gone.  All of the investing in the relationship with him, endless hours spent crying, lost opportunities, loss of self....all an exercise in futility. 
Reality: he did not want a loving relationship with me (not a reflection upon my worthiness).  He wanted to control and abuse.  I was powerless to make him something that he was not motivated to be.   

I can be thankful that I now live free from fear, pain,  dread & self doubt.  I felt as you did for a time, it passes.  Your brain is being hijacked by emotion, confusion, stress hormones.  My mind would trick me in all kinds of ways.  Trust solid reason, not your feelings right now. 
He has shown you who he is, BELIEVE HIM! 
Go forward knowing it will be better as long as you are not with the abuser in ANY capacity.  Total NC is fundamental to healing, and support from counselors and safe people.

Could you imagine being in the same place of pain and confusion when you are 51?  If not, then think of what you need to do to prevent that from happening.  Time is something we can never regain, but your sanity, happiness, peace, and love of life can be recovered. 

I would suggest that you journal and then reflect on what you have written.  Imagine a friend or loved one was telling you these things.  How would you respond?  What counsel would you offer?

I apologize if this sounds harsh and unfeeling, I truly don't intend to.  My heart goes out to you, this is really tough.   But, I wish someone would have been direct with me when I was going through it, but people on the outside often see what they want to see, or what the abuser projects. 

This song is meaningful to me~

"Honestly"
Annie Lennox

The beauty that you gave
Has turned upon itself
And all the things you said
Evaporated
Evaporated ...
Was I blind
Deaf and dumb
To the words slipped from your tongue?

Honestly ... honestly ... honestly
Alone in my bed
The things that you said
Go round in my head ... still
It seems to be true
That nothin' I do
Can influence you ...

I tried and tried again
(Don't you know I tried and tried again
to make you listen to me
But everything I said it always seemed to go right through you)
To make you notice me
(I turned myself into a person that I didn't like
But please believe me when I say I know it wasn't right)
But talking to myself
(I never thought that things would
get to be so complicated
I never thought that you and me would end up o frustrated)
Won't catch your attention I see ...
(You'd think that something had to come from all those good intentions
But in the end I needed something more than intervention)

Was I mad?
Was I ... mad?
Foolish me
Foolish ... me
To succumb so easily
To suc...cumb
Easi...ly
So easily
So easily

Honestly... honestly... honestly...
(Alone in my bed
The things that you said
Go round in my head ... still
It seems to be true
That nothin' I do
Can influence you... still)

Fools like me get so easily taken
And fools like me can be so mistaken

Honestly... Honestly... Honestly

The promise that you gave
(Don't you know the promise that you
gave just turned it's back upon me
I stopped believing but you couldn't take the whole thing from me)
Has turned it's back
(I never thought I'd have to pay the price to set you free)
And all you represented
Was just my projection you see...
(You know I never thought I'd ever
live a day without you
And that's the reason why
it makes me sad to think about you
and you know I never thought
I'd make it if you wasn't there
And now I'm tryin' to eject myself
from this despair)

People come
People go...
Never say I "told you so"
Honestly

Everything I know you said
Goin' round inside my head

Never thought I'd see the day
Always got a price to pay

Nothin' that I ever do
Ever seems to get to you

*sorry for the lengthy post