Hello Everyone!

[beautyblessmyeyes]

A friend who happens to be a psychologist recommended this site/forum to me and I've been voraciously reading everything. Thank you so much to the regular commenters who are helping me feel less alone and more sane!

I am the daughter of a narcissist, but I don't think I was able to verbalize that until 2 years after my dad died; it took another two years after that to be able to characterize my childhood as abusive. Even typing that makes me feel guilty and makes me want to defend my mother (who was lovely) and even my dad to a certain extent. But the past few years of therapy have helped me uncover the psychological damage my father's narcissism did to me on a fundamental level. I am actively working on un-telling the lies I've been believing about myself for over 40 years.

Currently, I am on the brink of ending a nearly 30-year friendship with someone I would have unreservedly called my best friend even a few short weeks ago. But I am recognizing patterns in her behavior, and in my responses to it, that too closely mirror my relationship with my father (splitting, DARVO, emotional vampirism) and I know that despite how much I care about her, it's not healthy for me to maintain a friendship with her anymore. I suspect she is more likely undiagnosed BPD than NPD, but she is triggering many of the same feelings as my dad did in me.

I appreciate hearing everyone's stories and the opportunity to share more of mine. Knowing that there are others struggling to navigate relationships with people with PD has been a huge help while I work through my own thoughts and determine my own next steps.

[bloomie]

beautyblessmyeyes - hello there! Welcome to Out of the FOG.

I am thankful you found this supportive community to be a part of as you process and work through very tough realizations about primary relationships with your father and this dear long time friend. I am so sorry at the same time for the pain and angst all of this can bring.

You describe a feeling of disloyalty when you speak your truth about the family system you grew up in and how that has impacted you that I understand very well. It has only been through being able to acknowledge my experiences and conclusions, in black letters on a white page, with a trusted mentor and T, in this community, that I have been validated and supported enough in order to have the strength to grow forward in a healthy way and hold my experiences as real, damaging, and to begin to see myself as I truly am - the good and the not so good,  not as others saw me through what I now realize was their distorted, self serving, and disordered lens.

My hope for you is that you find in sharing with this community of fellow travelers encouragement, tools, strategies, insights, and kind support.

Settle in and take a good look into all the forum resources available and when you are ready join the conversations taking place on the boards.

[guitarman]

Welcome. You are not alone.

I have an undiagnosed BPD/NPD sister. I now call her my abuser and I am her target of abuse. I have redefined our relationship as abusive after many years of thinking that she had serious mental health issues that she had no control over. I felt that I should always allow all her abusive behaviour to continue as she couldn't help herself. Now I know differently.

There is no excuse for abuse. Abuse is never acceptable.

I didn't even realise that it was abuse. I dared not to criticise her or mention her behaviour in case she ever carried out her threats to harm herself. That is how she controlled me.

Abusers are all about power and control.

You may like to follow the author and counsellor Kris Godinez. She specialises in Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome and shows how targets of abuse can cope better.

Her YouTube channel is called "We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez".

Once we educate ourselves about NPD and abusive relationships we may then identify other relationships that are abusive. We then can start setting boundaries and maybe not have those people in our lives any more.