Coping with No Contact after 30+ Years of PD Parent and Sibling

[Ambivalent Graffiti]

Hello!

I've always known that my older sister had some sort of mental illness. She was incredibly violent, anti-social, and generally lacked sympathy for other people. Most of her violent outbursts were directed towards me until I moved out when I was 16 because my mother not only wouldn't admit that my sister was hurting me (even when it happened in front of her), but actually blamed me for it. For a long time, I have just described my sister as a sociopath, but after reading through this page I think it's more likely that she has Antisocial Personality Disorder.

I went mostly no contact with my sister shortly after moving out. Every few years, I would make some attempt to at least be civil because my mother would guilt me into it, and it always ended with some completely insane scenario where I was gaslit or threatened or where my sister would construct an elaborate fantasy in which I had wronged her. I had a very distant, and honestly very resentful, relationship with my mother because of her unwillingness to confront my sister about this behavior even when I could produce irrefutable evidence of what she had done. The two of them were very close, and for a long time I would say that my mother was my sister's only friend.

There was a very traumatic event in the last two years that I think is too long and complicated for an introductory post, but the TL;DR is that my sister finally started exerting this behavior on my mother; while my mother was recovering from a traumatic brain injury, my sister manipulated her into signing over the deed to her house. She abused her for almost a year before my mother called me to tell me what had happened and that my sister was evicting her. I spent all of my savings and a year of my life trying to take my sister to court, but between COVID and the myriad failings of our justice system, it felt like no one really cared enough to help. After a year of my sister ignoring court orders with no punishment or repercussion from the court, my mother decided she wanted to drop the case.

I have now also gone no contact with my mother. There were many instances and reasons that caused me to do that, but it ultimately came down to her refusal to hold my sister accountable for any of her actions and her persistently lying to me about the situation. The last two years have also made me realize that she has her own mental health disorder that I just ran away from. She checks every box (in BOLD) for Avoidant Personality Disorder.

I went no contact in January of this year, and have had a wide range of emotions about it. It's been difficult because my mother was actually abused by my sister and has now had everything (literally everything) stolen from her. I feel very bad that she likely struggles to get by on her disability payments and has a very small to nonexistent support system. However, as much guilt and anxiety as I feel from this situation, it is nothing compared to the guilt and anxiety that I felt when she was a part of my life. When I went no contact, I wrote her a letter saying that if she wanted to have a relationship with me then she had to 1) see a therapist regularly and 2) continue the court case to hold my sister accountable. It has been 8 months and she has not responded to that letter. She only texts me occasionally to say "How are you? I love you" with a lot of emojis.

I struggle very much with whether or not I am making the right choice or if I am just avoiding a situation that I can't emotionally handle. But I also cannot emotionally handle having her in my life. I feel very isolated from other people in my life who have strong family networks, and I completely avoid talking about my family at all because I don't want to explain this situation and am also afraid that if I don't explain it then they will judge me for just cutting my family out of my life.

I fell like I've written a very long introduction thread, so this is probably a good place to wrap it up! Overall, I am hoping that joining the community will help me feel like I made the right choice to go no contact with my family and help me deal with some of the very complex feelings that have come to the surface in the past few years. I have been working with a therapist, but he suggested that I try this so that I don't feel so alone in what I'm going through.

Thank you for reading! I'm looking forward to learning from this community.

[notrightinthehead]

Welcome! You have come to a good place. I am sorry, you had to find us and glad you did.

I believe you did the right thing by going no contact with your mother for now. It is time to put your energy where you can achieve something. You have tried to help your mother and gotten no joy from it. Now you try to help yourself.  Actions have consequences. Your mother is an adult and she now will bear the consequences of her actions.

Do you have support for yourself? Therapy? CoDA group? A circle of friends? The problem with suffering abuse and neglect in childhood is that it leaves us vulnerable for difficult people later in life and makes us a little bit difficult ourselves. Sometimes we avoid people. Sometimes we react too much or too little. Coming Out of the FOG is only the first step on our healing journey.  I am glad you join us.  Read around on the board and get as much information as you can. Top 100 Traits and Toolbox are a good place to start. See you around on the boards!

[guitarman]

Welcome. You are not alone.

I have an undiagnosed BPD/NPD sister.

I can relate to your post as my elderly mother was under safeguarding to protect her from my sister.

You may like to look into safeguarding as your mother is vulnerable.

As she has had a brain injury she maybe even more affected than before that happened.

Keep calm. Stay strong. Stay safe. Keep posting.