Not knowing what you want in life because it was never your choice

[blistering]

Hi,

I don't think all of this is due to my Nmom but probably much of it. Basically, as a child, I can't remember ever thinking about my future. I had no dream jobs, no plans, no ideas what I would do with my life. All I wanted was to grow up and be free.

After school was finished I had absolutely no idea what to do or study. Well to be honest, I had a few vague ideas but immediately discarded them as unrealistic. Finally I studied what my mother suggested. I remained mostly under her control even as a young adult.

Now I'm 25 and no contact with her. I am unhappy with my job which I have been in for almost 3 years now. The career I picked isn't the right fit for me and I know I have to change but still find it really hard to determine what I DO want to do.

In the last years, I have already done some 'identity-building'. My  mother formed my ideas about myself to a large degree. After I started living on my own, it was a difficult process to find out who I actually am and what I like or dislike. I found out the hard way multiple times. Even when I felt like I knew what I want to do, there was this voice in my head going 'mother wouldn't like that' and so I forgot about it.

It's slowly getting better, but I still feel stuck in my life. For the last 3 years, I feel like very little has happened in my life. I go to my unfulfilling job every day. I have hobbies and friends but I often get the strong feeling that I'm wasting my life. That I'm not really being me.

Sometimes I know what I really, really want and am just not allowing myself to go after it. Even now, I still instinctively imagine my mother's reaction to any possible choice, or how she would criticize it.

Do/did you struggle with this too?

[Call Me Cordelia]

Yup. I did struggle with this. I had to be the "perfect" child and was never good enough. When I was in college was when I finally started asking myself what I really wanted. And really for me it was a spiritual journey. I put God in charge of my life, and God didn't answer to my parents. So that helped me make some very "rebellious" decisions as a young adult. Not rebellious so much as adult, but it was interpreted as all kinds of awful by the uPDs. And I'm still discovering and understanding more and more that God cares more about my dreams and deepest desires than I do. But it wasn't and isn't a complete turnaround. It's a process.

You say sometimes you know exactly what you want. What is that, if you don't mind sharing?  If there is something that lights a fire of joy in your heart, I encourage you to listen to that! Let yourself dream a while, without automatically it shutting down. It does take practice.

[blistering]

You know what, I tried to type what I really want, and just kept erasing and re-writing because I don't know how to put it into words, really. What I can say is that I dream of living in a scandinavian country (possibly Denmark or Iceland, my favorites), spending a lot of time in nature, and possibly having a nature-related job or something creative like writing.

Eh, that sounds vague and unrealistic, doesn't it? I'll have to try to specify it more.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Sounds great! Why would that be unrealistic? Lots of people live in Iceland. Have you been able to visit there? Also a lot of those things you can definitely pursue while you figure out your Big Dream. Taking hikes and camping on the weekends, possibly. Great time to think.  Doing things you love merely because you love it. You're going to be great.

[blistering]

Yes, I've been to Iceland before. It's so beautiful. I love scandinavia in general and how there's a lot of nature still and not so many people.

I don't know, I guess it's not really that unrealistic. It would be a huge difference from my life now. I guess it's just scary to imagine!

[Penny Lane]

You don't have to quit your job and move to Iceland tomorrow to make your dreams happen eventually. Can you make some baby steps? Like, researching jobs in nature closer to you? Not necessarily in your area but at least your country? Figure out what's feasible in the short term and make some baby steps toward your long term goals? Start writing on the side or freelancing? Find a path to move from your current career into areas you can be happier? I'd start by figuring out what skills you have that are transferable (and I'm sure you have some). What's one change you could make tomorrow that would make your life better, even if it's just in a small way?

I see it as, your childhood dream was to grow up and be free. You've done that! Now you have a chance to make new goals, aim higher for yourself.

Also remember, the decisions you make at 25 don't bind your life forever. You could upend your whole life to try something new, and then do it again at 35 (or 30! or even 26!)

I also think journaling might help you articulate your goals. Every so often I take stock of my life and write down all my goals. Usually I just keep the piece of paper somewhere but it's amazing to look back a few years later and see how much I've accomplished, having my goals in the back of my mind and tangibly on paper.

[blistering]

Yeah, you're right - baby steps! At the moment I just don't quite know how those would look like. I also do some researching. And I already write, just not for money right now though I'm gonna enter a contest soon. And I'm learning Icelandic, even just because I like the language

Sadly I have a tendency to just stick my head into the sand and give up whenever I feel like actually have to work on changing something. I don't do so well with change.

[athene1399]

Blistering,

It's hard when you've had someone in your head most of your life saying "You can't do that, you're not good enough." I wanted to be a cop after high school because I wanted to help people. My mom told me I was too weak and wouldn't let me. So I did something else that wasn't well thought out. I just didn't know what else to do. Never got a job in my field. Been working some going nowhere job that I hate. It's made me feel so empty sometimes. I still want to help people. Did a lot of research on possible jobs, what the pay would be, how likely it is to get a position. Took a bunch of personality tests that give career ideas. And now I'm in grad school to be a counselor. I love it so much. So look around. I'll bet what you want is more feasible than you think. Plus you are already learning the language. That is awesome!!!

I also always wanted to be free. i wanted to move out at 18 and my parents wouldn't let me. Then again at 19 and again at 25. I was eventually allowed to leave at 26/27.  I guess I could have just left without their permission,but felt I could not do that for some reason. So I understand what you mean by not knowing what to do without someone telling you and only wanting to be free of that.

Maybe you stick your head in the sand because you are afraid it won't work and you mom will be proved right. I was so afraid to go back to school for that reason. But you'll never know until you try! Plus there's a different between being impulsive because you hate your life and carefully planning out changes when you are unhappy. At first I impulsively made changes I didn't think through and they didn't work. Mainly I didn't know what else to do so just did something. This time around I planned and researched. So baby steps and research are great ideas! Maybe get experience in a nature job near you so you have experience and know if you like it. Then start looking for the same type of job in Iceland. Change doesn't happen overnight. It's okay if it takes time to find your dreams.

[SomethingElse]

Hey Blistering...

Your ideas sound wonderful, because they are an extension of yourself.
You.
I didnt move to a scandinavian country, but I did move out west for a while to experience nature AND freedom.
It was very nice and freeing and I learned a lot about myself.
You never know what will happen until you try something out. That is how life is. And once you do, you discover all the possibilities that life or the universe has to offer YOU, and not your PD relationships.
Life is tough for everyone, but it doesnt have to be for you.

[JollyJazz]

Hi Blistering,

Yes I have struggled with this too! I got so little of what I wanted growing up, I learned to shut off what I wanted. My main urge, like you, was to escape.
One things that helped me was to looking on pinterest - just starting to dream and identify things I want. The next step is to just take one step after another to plan and identify the things YOU want. Feeling stuck and like you are in the wrong place is a good sign you want something else.

One book you might be interested in is called 'steering by starlight' by Martha Beck. I love this book and it contains a whole lot of practical exercises for identifying what you want in life.

It sounds like you've got some good ideas there. Working in a nature role in Scandanavia doesn't sound too out there at all. I was just in Iceland and I read that they often need extra helpers around the tourist season. Have a google for visas and job opportunities. Other people get jobs in Iceland, there is a way and you can do if that's what you wish

Especially at 25, you have the world at your feet Working overseas can be a great experience. Scandanavian countries tend to pay quite well as well I hear. Best wishes