Deeply sad

[Crash86]

Hello,

Excuse my English. It's difficult to talk about feelings not using your mother tongue.

I'm feeling very sad, usually I didn't allow myself to feel sadness for too long, I would try to supress it and end up with anger. But I'm tired and I'm going to therapy so I'm more relaxed and I'm letting myself feel any emotion.

I'm very sad because I see no magical solution for my relationships with my CovertNarcF and GC sister. The more I connect with my feelings and the more I stop overthinking and playing mental games, the clearer is to me that we will end up with no contact.

On one side, I feel relief, feelings don't lie and many times we spend too much time thinking instead of feeling. I definetely tend to overthink and it's nice to allow myself to feel no matter how sad or angry the emotions are.

But on the other side, it's clearer than ever that I don't want to know anything about them. I've been in VLC for many years with both of them and I always tried to find a "solution", maybe if I change this, maybe if I change that, maybe if I say this maybe if I say that, etc etc. And suddenly, just reconnecting with my emotions without judging them... there's nothing more, I don't want to know anything about them.

I don't even want to write a NC letter, I don't feel like. I just want to disappear from their lifes, better said, I want them to disappear from my life.

Anybody that has gone NC with or without letter, is this how you felt? Like not even worried about writing a letter, just focused on you and let silence speak no matter what?

My therapist is all about connecting with your emotions and not judging them because they're usually right.

I don't know, I guess I'm feeling deeply sad, almost like grieving and I don't have the strength to write a NC letter or anything.

I wrote a letter and went NC with my F many years ago, but it was more like anger, like a deep frustration, now it's just sadness.

Thank you for reading.

[SerenityCat]

Crash86 - I understand.

I myself did not write a letter. I had to focus on myself. For myself, if I had written a letter, I would have then still been caught up in the dysfunctional relationship. I would have still been anxious and worried about whether there was a response.

I grieved and sometimes still do, though things are much much better. Therapy helped, focusing on my own well being, along with creating a good life that works for me.

[MamaDryad]

You're not alone. Not that it helps much to know it, but I think it's very normal for the grief to rise to the surface once the anger fades. I think it may be part of why (even after most of the FOG has lifted) we sometimes feel the impulse to seek out or revisit interactions with them-- if we can keep the anger fresh, it doesn't hurt as much. Not the healthiest impulse, but an understandable one.

And you express yourself beautifully in English. A lot better than I could do in any other language!

[Hazy111]

Deep down its because  we hoped they have changed.