Stood Up for My NC Sister Today

[LoverofPeace]

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone. I know it may not be an easy one for all of us. There's those who are spending it with family that includes the Narcs in their lives who are giving them hell. Then there's those like myself, who simply called to wish those Narcs a happy one, whatever that means these days. But we can't help but to be the sympathetic people we are, even if the Narcs don't see it that way. And then there's my heroes who don't engage at all. I'm actually wondering who is the strongest among these groups, but I think they all take a certain type of strength.

That brings me to my sister, who has been MIA from my immediate FOO for over a good 10 years now. With me, it's been like 8 years; she was communicating with mostly me for a while, but stopped when I started judging her too harshly for not staying in touch with my grandmother. My mother, the obvious Narc, I understood more of her not contacting. She'd been scapegoated by my mom for sooo many years; since she was a teenager from what I could tell--I'm the youngest; we're apart by 4 years. That's not a lot, but the bottom line is we both grew up in the fog of our Narc mom and were both physically and mentally hurt by her, but no one as much as her. She was the #1 scapegoat in the house. And she married out of the house at the young age of 21; I realized in time it was because of my mother.

Fast-forward to today, and me and my sister are both way grown (in our 50's), but it's crazy how the Narc mom haunts our lives. She had to go all the way no contact and only sends the occasional flowers on her birthday, which is Christmas day. And I have been a flying monkey type who was still in the fog years after she went no contact, always angry that my sister left the scene with me 'having' to take care of things with keeping my grandmother and mother happy. I hate to say this, because I don't think like this on a regular basis, but this grandmother is on my late father's side (another Narc), and was his stepmother. So, she isn't even my blood grandmother but always considered by everyone (aunts, uncles, cousins alike) as family; my late grandfather's true soulmate and there for everyone in my generation since birth. So, this is my grandmother. Period. But the reason I am bringing this up is  because I still don't understand why though I embraced her unconditionally, I realized over time that while she was 'good' to me, she always sided with my Narc mom and another sister who is a malignant Narc. I became aware that it's because she might be that covert narc that I read about here and other sites; as the covert narc acts sweet and like a victim, but will embrace the narc who takes care of all of the confrontations and such for them. As a person who probably had their 'fleas' (the term meaning how we tend to copy the narcs bad habits from being around them), I took up for the grandmother at the time with the sister who went NC; and made this peaceful sister feel a certain way.

But today, I spoke to a cousin who just lost her mom and she was saying how she feels good about taking care of her parents, not putting them in a home, that a nun once told her those who don't take care of their parents are going to hell and she never forgot that (oh boy, here we go with feeling the guilt tripping). Then she brought up my sister who went NC. She went in on saying how she is praying this sister comes to her senses about being NC and such. As we did not grow up seeing each other every day, I stopped her and said that my sister is good people and to not always think what you are seeing with your eyes and hearing with your ears what is going on. That we are individuals before anything, and my sister is doing what she needs to do, with the best she can. I didn't want to tell her directly what has went on on this side of the family, because I didn't want to start anything, especially with that malignant narc sister. She's the one that attacked me last year and I had to fight for doing so. So basically, now I am the one who went mostly NC with only a very occasional hello to the grandmother and mother. Because that was the last straw for me too.
And while I consider my cousin to be a sweetheart and she was brought up in a more unified, harmonious household with loving parents, the judgements from her and other family is what I dreaded hearing. But with forums like this one, it has made me stronger; when once upon-a-time I would feel dread.

Bless you all who are going through it. These circumstances we find ourselves in are not easy. I wish I could be with my family and just help and build with them. But you know what? I was trying to do that for years until I realized how badly their sickness was affecting me. And once you make a decision to save yourself, it keeps going with the judgements of others. I used to be one of them by judging my sister, but now I am in her shoes. And though I don't agree with everything she does and says, I hope to be able to tell her one day that I get it, I love her, and she doesn't have to feel alone about it.

Just needed to at least write this out. Please let me know how you're feeling about family and their judgements, too.
Happy Thanksgiving. All thanks goes to our Highest who always gets us through. Remember that He wants us to be HAPPY because we deserve to be!

Thanks for reading.  (I may be feeling upside down, but I will try to keep on smiling).

[PeanutButter]

 Everyone is different. Everyone greives differently. Everyone speaks their own love language. Everyone deals with emotions in their own unique way.
Even when raised in the same home a few years apart I will not expect that my way (of dealing) is the way my sibling should be.
Personality differences mean there will be different effects to even the same abuse.
No matter how much two people have in common and/or love each other, they will not agree about everything.
These are lessons that i think acon/acoa need to learn imo
Ime Love is not conditional! So any conditions I try to put on someone or someone tries to put on me is not act of love. It is the opposite of love.
Ime Disagreement is NOT a lack of love! You dont have to agree with me for me to love you. I can still love you if i dont agree with you?
Ime There is no one right way!
When I let go of judgement of myself and others I break the generational curse in my foo.

[Starboard Song]

 

We are NC with my in-laws, and have worked mightily to minimize collateral damage.
But our act of NC put others in the hot seat, and we know it. We've had people stand up for us, like my BIL. And we've had others not know enough of the details to do so. We wish them well, and do not hold their judgments of us against them: NC does sound monstrous to others.

From those of us on that side of the line, thank you!
You didn't only protect your sister. You also educated another person in the art of humility and patience. You made the world a few points better. Bless you.

[LoverofPeace]

Hello Starboard Song,

That means a lot to me, thank you so much. 

I have been going through a range of emotions; from anger, to sadness, to fond memories of the good my sister really is. Like me, she is just damaged, as in traumatized by the Narc upbringing that has been very harsh at times. And she took the brunt of it until she got out from under it.

I was very cautious not to 'bash' my mother to others for years; but had began telling more like it is to those who keep talking blindly about things they don't have a clue about.

Don't get me wrong, I do love my mother. But I hate to say that I've hated her as well; as recently as the other day, in fact.

But I am trying to heal and part of that is wanting to make it right with that sister. Don't know if she would want to speak after so many years of her having peace and can't say I blame her. At least I can say hello to her angel of a son and he'd answer. That's a blessing.
The Narc family members tried talking down on him one time, too. They must have thought talking negatively about him as the new 'punching bag' would have to do after his mom left the scene, but I shut it down, asking them if they were crazy 'cause he's a total sweetheart. Never told him, never will.

Now I get to be the scapegoat with no one to back me up. Oh, joy.   

But your words helps me so much in feeling I did some good.

Thank you again!