Nobody's daughter

[EtherOrchid]

My father left me and my NPD mom the week I was born. He knew something was wrong with her and her family. But he chose to save himself by moving several states away. I only saw him a few times growing up. Every time he'd visit, he would find a reason to get mad at me. One time, I yelled his ear while we were on a roller coaster (forgetting that he'd recently had surgery on his eardrum). Another time, I skinned my knee and asked to be carried (forgetting about his bad back). When I was a senior in high school, he suggested I might come live with him after graduation.  The offer was rescinded in a nasty letter telling me to join the army because I am "unstructured and undisciplined."

In my 20s, I made the mistake of going to visit him. He told me to pack a nice outfit. I thought we were going out to dinner. Instead, I was treated to seeing him and his band perform at a crappy dive bar. The next day he was furious because I didn't seem like I was having fun, and for refusing to flirt with his drunk friends.  We were no contact for years after that.  When I got into grad school, I stupidly thought he was proud of me finally. But when I failed to get six figure job after graduation, it became clear I was branded the worthless black sheep of the family.  No gift or graduation party. No help moving either.  Maybe if I was lucky, he'd send money for my birthday. But I had to play by his rules. Every phone call had to end with my saying "I love you."

Over the past few years, I thought things were better. He even admitted what he did was wrong. Even if the courts wouldn't have given him full custody, there was no reason for him to move so far away. But the pattern never changed.  He was still saying upsetting things to start a fight and make me look toxic.  For three months, I got zero sleep because my upstairs neighbor was cursing into his phone or stomping and slamming doors until 4:30 am.  I made the mistake of sharing this with my father. At first he seemed sympathetic, making jokes about how our family used to have mob ties and isn't a shame I can't have my neighbor whacked.  (Please note, I don't find this funny at all. I just wanted him evicted for violating his lease.)  Then I called with good news. My apartment company was letting me transfer to another unit. Instead of being happy for me, he gets all serious, saying, "Promise me something, when all of this is over, you won't dwell on this. You will just let this go." This might sound like perfectly normal advice, except it's not. A normal person would say, "I think once this is over, you should forget about the jerk upstairs." But my father cannot give advice on a take or leave it basis. You must promise to do things his way, because his way is the only way. When I asked why my anger has a time limit, he just sputtered, "Anger isn't good for you. It's toxic. It's bad for your health. " I argued that it isn't helpful to classify emotions as good or bad. All emotions are valid and need to be processed.  He wouldn't even consider my viewpoint. He just repeatedly told me that I was wrong and demanded I agree with him.

All these years, I thought the worst thing he did was abandon me. Now I realize the real damage came from all these psychological games he'd play to justify keeping me at arm's length.  Maybe I don't have the American dream of the six figure job, husband, kids and house in the suburbs. But I've worked at the same company for five years and was promoted twice. I've always had tons of hobbies; painting, knitting, embroidery, jewelry making.  Yet,  he talks to me like I'm calling from prison. I refuse to spend anymore time looking at myself through his eyes, or play the role of disappointing daughter.  I've decided to go NC. He's never really wanted a relationship with me anyway. All I am doing by keeping communication going, is giving him the means to lash out at me.

[serenitycalm]

Nobody's daughter , we are here with you. As I read your eloquent post I imagine myself with you, listening, nodding my head in understanding and agreement.

You are wise. In the face of all this ongoing abuse, you have insight and wisdom.

You do not deserve abuse.

I would need to do NC also in your circumstances. I myself am nobody's daughter and I had to go NC with my father.

Bravo for your choice to remove yourself from abuse.

[daughter]

Your father failed as your parent. His failure is not your fault, nor is it your responsibility to further assuage his probable guilt for being a failure as your parent. You were an innocent child, and now you are a truly "self-made self-parented" responsible woman.

Don't let yourself get dragooned into feeling now responsible for him, whether for his mixed emotions regarding his failures as pseudo-parent, or for his current needs as aging distant relative.  Sometimes these estranged absentee fathers will resurface, expecting elder-care from their accommodatingly dutiful daughters still seeking some relationship with those "ghost" dads.

Best wishes to you.

[EtherOrchid]

Thanks for the replies SerenityCalm and Daughter. 

After I hit post I remembered something else.  When I was fourteen I told him, "Grandpa was more of a father to me than you are." He accused me of saying mean things to hurt him. But it was true. My maternal grandfather was the total opposite of my dad.  He delighted in everything I did as a child. If I drew a picture, danced, sang a song, it was wonderful to him.  His love was unconditional. And despite being in his 60s, he carried me home when I skinned my knee without hesitation or complaint.  I think the ghost dads hope their daughters grow up without any kind of father figure in their life. That way they are completely ignorant of how badly they are being treated. And he really has no right to criticize my self-parenting skills. These are not skills anyone should possess in the first place.